Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sympathy from the Devil


Hi, its me Adam again. I appreciated your comments on my last problem ( and was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my latest adventure.

Not so long ago I went away with the lads for a boy’s weekend. I like to think of it as an opportunity to get away and have fun with some of my closest friends. Once a year this joyous occasion rolls around, and a one bedroom shack for a shave under a dozen adult males is something to see.

Anyway, we hit the local pub and I spot a group of 3 females. I signal my fellow team member and inform him of the current bombing target. We choose our respective ladies. One thing leads to another we find ourselves on the beach. I said 3, the third went back to the girls' house for the night. Just as I think I'm about to pack one away, yet again one thing leads to another and my target, through tears, tells me she has a boyfriend. Now in true wingman fashion I hang around to stay with my buddy.

After a while I decide its time for departure and inform my so-called target of this and offer to walk her home. I look around for my buddy and he's gone. “oh well, he'll be fine”, i think. So i walk her back, steal a block of chocolate from her pantry then proceed to walk to my cabin eating her chocolate. When I arrive back at the cabin, to my surprise, it's my buddy and his piece of tail for the night. They are sitting outside and they aren't alone. There is some straggler-come-passer-by. For some reason this passer-by feels the need to make everyone feel like shit with her poor tone of voice and subject matter. To take some of the focus off her bad mood, I tell the story of my night where some girl decides to wait until the 11th hour to confess she's fresh in a relationship.

Somehow the conversation changes from my gripping tale of heartbreak to her carrying on how my buddy is the biggest dick she'd ever met, and that's putting it lightly. I might add, she did not say it once, she carried on for a while.

In true wing-man fashion, I pull this girl away and offer her a night walk. My plan is to drop this bitch the first chance I get so I can get back to having some fun with the other lads. We head around the corner and the next thing you know, she grapples my pelvis, knocks me to the ground and has her way with me. We were about a minute into it when she kindly lets me know that she feels sorry for me, knowing that i didn't get any earlier from the other girl.

Eventually it was over and we went our separate ways.

How should I feel about this Chuck?


Dear Adam,

Well well well, Chuck can see how your cage may be a little rattled right there big dog. On one hand you played the ultimate wingman role. On the other, you were pretty much sexually assaulted. Confusing for a young buck. Do you celebrate being the ultimate mate or press charges?

Immediately Chuck needs to acknowledge you taking on the role of purveyor of teen angst, we've needed a dose of young adult drama here for quite some time. Please do not get carried away with this position and start sending in emails outlining tales of vampires and emo chicks or your Reality Bytes privileges will be revoked.

Your situation is a little perplexing Chuck will admit and there are a couple of ways we need to look at this puppy. Let's start with a positive:

Guys the world over will be calling their best mates upon reading this tale and saying “I need a motherfucking Adam!” You have shown absolute dedication to the cause, enduring multiple setbacks and annoyance of the highest order to ensure that your boy got a shot off. Adam, Chuck doesn't say this stuff lightly, but you're the kind of guy Chuck would take into war!

A big Reality Bytes well done for playing the role of wingman to perfection young soldier. For Reality Bytes regulars, you will remember Chuck's educational piece on wingmen ( Adam has followed the playbook on this. Let's break the first part of the evening down:

he scoops up the friend while losing the spare wheel. tick

he distracts the friend while his buddy gets busy – tick

he puts up with the friend’s emotional breakdown and blubbering – tick

he pulls the gentleman card by offering to take the emotional train wreck home – tick

he steals a bar of chocolate for his efforts – tick

The only way you could have played that better was if you talked sooky pants into dumping her boyfriend via text message whilst on the beach and then ran a break-up length through her. Chuck's not going to quibble over this, solid 9 out of 10 performance.

Ok, we had better check out a negative:

Chuck’s assuming that the misery guts passer-by was a friend of your buddy's object of desire. God help her if she wasn't. You would have been well within your rights to boot her off the premises. Chuck is a little disappointed for you that you had to strap it on again and play the role of Goose one more time. Negative score to your buddy who vanished from the beach and still wasn't able to fire a missile. Maybe that's why the straggler was calling him a dick, because he had it on a platter and he couldn't close the deal.

Anyway, there was an element of emasculation about the whole accosting you received from this woman. She was a total dog by the sounds of things and she ended up with all the control despite the fact that you ended up nut deep.

We wouldn't have had an issue here at all if she had just ridden your boney pony and been done with it. It was the “I felt sorry for you” line that chaffs Chuck’s balls. She wasn't saying that because she was being empathetic. She was being a real pig of a thing and basically telling you that she was doing YOU a favour. In instances like this young man, you are well within your rights to perform a hate fucking. Urban dictionary defines hate fuck as:

“The act of fucking a person that you despise. Such an act is typically characterised by name calling, roughness, and immediate departure after the act.”

The worst hate fucking that Chuck has ever heard of was this – a young gentleman learned that his girlfriend (whom he was totally smitten with) had cheated on him. He bottled up the rage and embarrassment and plotted revenge. Not too long afterwards, they too found themselves on a beach. One thing led to another and they were passionately making love. The young gentleman thoughtfully deposited his man syrup on her stomach (coitus interruptus) as they had no birth control available. As she was reclining blissfully, the young gentleman stood up and proceeded to kick sand on her, creating the worst imaginable quick dry cement. The young gentleman revealed that he knew her dark secret, gathered his belongings and walked off never to see her again.

Ok, so that is fairly disturbing, but that's our new benchmark for depravity. Lets keep moving before you are tempted to read the above story again.

Getting back to a positive, Chuck is again nodding in approval at your determination to help your boy out. The cranky straggler had no business being spoken to, let alone being asked for a midnight stroll. You really are a trooper Adam. Yes, you were unfortunately fiddled with by this creature but when it all comes down to it, you dumped your beans as all good wingmen should.

So how should you feel about this whole situation?

You should feel pretty damn good. You put one away, you have a boatload of good karma up your sleeve and you were able to perform while being emasculated -strong like bull young brave.

One upside of all this is the fact that you will forever be remembered as the man who set the bar for wingmen. The biggest win for you however is that should you ever find yourself strapped for cash you could sell your story to “A Current Affair” or “Woman’s Day” and watch it rain money. Good luck ever getting laid again however.

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