Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Lovely Lady Lumps

By Chuck Long


Congratulations on your entertaining blog. I could use some advice on tackling a small problem that is currently vexing me. I like to think of myself as a relatively good looking young chap who has recently recovered from a nasty break-up. Anyway my problem is thus - last night a female friend came over to watch a movie and made a move on me. This usually wouldn't present any problem, however her body shape is closer to watermelon than hourglass. She doesn't order 1 small cheeseburger meal for lunch; she orders 2 large quarter pounder meals. In short, she's fat. And she's a lovely chick, good fun and we've been play flirting for a while. I like to think she'd be a bundle of fun in the sack but sadly the bundle would look more Queen Latifah than Naomi Campbell. So I faked a 'sudden' stomachache, ran for the toilet, and when I plucked up the courage to emerge from my hiding place suggested she depart as I was in no fit state to continue. Now I'm not completely shallow and personality does count for a lot, hell I've shelled a few prawns in my time without a paper bag in sight. However the sheer mountain of mass that constitutes her backside presents some unique logistical challenges for my only just average sized manhood. Do I man up and try to tame the beast? Tell her I'm keen to bone but she needs to spend a couple of months on those diet-shakes first? Pretend it never happened and buy her a gym membership for her birthday? Hit me with your advice. I'm keen on having her but only about 1/3 of her. 


Chubby Chaser

Dear Chubby,

This doesn’t sound like a “small” problem that’s vexing you my friend. What a pickle.

Wouldn’t it just be the ducks nuts if you could say to a woman:

“Look, here are the facts - I think that you are a fantastic person and we get on like a pig in shit. Unfortunately I don’t find you the least bit attractive physically because you are about a 100 bills over your fighting weight.”

Now before all you Reality Bytes readers start mailing steaming turds to the inbox and screaming “you should love a person for who they are!” stop and think about the principals of attraction. It’s tough to get the jackhammer cranking when the hydraulic fluid won’t flow. There are no two ways about it. This post isn’t about a person’s weight; it’s about the laws of attraction people! Love isn’t always blind.

There are a couple of ways you can play this game and fortunately for you, you’ve come to the master of angles, rebound, force and pressure.

Option 1 – Taming the beast

You mentioned your concerns about the logistics of tapping the heavy lady keg with your only just average manhood. Chuck’s research suggests that the best course of action would be the old rear entry manoeuvre but if you plan on going back for seconds, eventually you are going to have to hit it face to face to make it a slightly more personal interaction (either that or indicate rather sheepishly that you have a bad case of gingivitis and your breath prevents it). In this instance, you‘ll need to lift the FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area), use a foot on the dresser for maximal leverage and get right up in there in order to give it every last inch you have.

Chuck sees it from your point of view bro. You’re on the rebound from a nasty break up and your friend here is presenting a vessel for you to loosen a load or several. The likely scenario is that you will pound a few brews, allow the attract-o-metre to rise and drop the hammer on your pal. Now unless you decide to become an alcoholic, you will eventually have to nail it when you are in a sober state and that’s going to be a real test for the capillaries in your penis to get the blood flow going.

Your friend may of course turn out to be the greatest shag of your life which will allow for some repeat business, but eventually you are going to find yourself walking down the street checking out dime pieces (10 out of 10’s) and asking yourself what the fuck you are doing.

Worse yet, you’ll be in the sack with your friend and you’ll have a bad case of the flopsies. You can play that off as a “I’ve been really tired lately” for only so long before she realises that you cannot get the blood running for her. It won’t end well and you’ve torched a friendship.

Option 2 – tell her to shed a hundy and then you’ll bone.

Ok, so she is a little stung but she is into you and starts smashing diet shakes like they are going out of fashion. She gets herself a personal trainer, refuses to touch a glass of wine for fear of additional calories and trades the quarter pounders for celery sticks and unsalted nuts. All of a sudden she’s running 10 miles a day, shedding beef and dropping dress sizes. She’s splurging some of her hard earned on nice haircuts, slinkier sexier clothing and freak nasty underwear that shows off her tight new chassis.

You run into her from time to time and you start to feel that old fashion funny feeling in your loins. You know that in another month you’ll be tagging that package like the Australian postal service.

Then a strange thing happens….

Women are like elephants; they never forget a slight. Your fickle nature at the start of her 6-month fitness journey has stuck in her craw. All of a sudden, this one time fatty is now PRIME TIME. And guess what, you’re now punching out of your weight class. That’s right, your girl has put the hard yards in and blown past you. She realises that she can scoop up any dude- better looking, more cashed up and with a bigger dick than you.

After all this, you’ll just be remembered as the rude prick who blew her off 6 months prior as opposed to the tasty piece of sausage who gave her the kick in the ass that she needed to get in shape. Sucks to be you.

Option 3 – Pretend it never happened

Funnily enough, this is the option that guys tend to excel at. You find yourself in an awkward mess with a woman that you are friends with and instead of trying to work out a solution then and there that may involve relating your feelings or being empathetic to another’s, you take the road most often travelled and say or do nothing.

Yeah, at the time it allows you to avoid any form of confrontation, but it breeds the very real possibility that you’ll be in this spot within the next month and you can only pretend to have a tummy ache so many times before she is on to you big boy.

Your only hope with this option is that your girl takes the cue and realises that you aren’t interested. Unfortunately when someone is interested in someone else, all rational thought goes out the window and she would truly believe that her first move coincidentally occurred at the same time as you started shitting through the eye of a needle.

Option 4 – Tell her you’re gay

That’ll keep her away from you but prove to be extremely awkward when:

a) She sees you with another chick 3 months later

b) She starts trying to set you up with some of her gay co-workers

Option 5 – Plant the seed that you are interested.

Ok, this is the tough one Chubby Chaser, but Chuck senses you have the ticker to pull it off.

You clearly like this lass as a person, but it’s her rig that you have issues with, so you need to lay your sac on the line and tell her this. Tough convo to have and Chuck suggests that you get her onto at least a second glass of red before you roll it out. However, different to Option 2, you commit to help her out.

No matter which way you look at it, it’s a tough discussion to have. Things could go to water real quick if she pulls the old “I’m happy the way I am” line on you. You have to be prepared to cut bait and find another fishing hole if this is the case. When you’re in a relationship with a person, you are often expected to tell a partner if they’re getting a little sloppy around the edges. It’s the honesty that we all sign up for. So why not put your cards on the table right now? No matter what option you choose, you run the risk of blowing up the friendship so why not be truthful?

Now, if you follow this plan, you are going to be nailing some tight poontang in 6 months time, but you need to ask yourself, are you ready to make such a commitment? Chuck’s talking about living and breathing a healthy lifestyle with this woman while at the same time eschewing boning her or anyone else until she hits the goals that she and you have set.

You dig deep and suggest that you will help her on her journey. You will push, encourage and cajole her in her effort to get in better shape. Now, the tough part for you here is that as she starts her journey from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly (cue schmaltzy music) you cannot let the blood rush to your loins and nail it. You need to see it through or her resolve may waver. Her physical fitness yields a prize for both you and her.

The upside to all this effort is:

a) You are able to examine her mental toughness and resolve which is a key determinant for ongoing and long-term commitment to a woman.

b) You can see if you find her sexy when she is sweaty.

c) As she starts to shed the pounds, you can stoke the fire by helping her buy smaller and tighter fitting gym gear.

d) You are spending more time with her in a non-relationship setting, allowing you to determine if she is actually girlfriend material.

e) If she proves not to be girlfriend material, you will be in an environment where you can check out and hit on other fit women

f) If she ends up transforming into the second coming of Angelina Jolie, you have been along for the ride and despite your shortcomings, she is less likely to trade you in for a more impressive model.

If all else fails, catch her on video and send it in to the Biggest Loser. Everyone wins in this scenario and hopefully she comes out on top and ends up 250k richer!

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