Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dredging the bottom of the barrel

Dear Chuck Long,

I recently met a guy online.

This is pretty much what happened last night.

Very bad - I only stayed an hour and it is an hour of my life I will never get back.

He wanted to talk about how his ex-wife screwed him over, how he just gone through bankruptcy and that he is going to have to take a 2nd job when his Dad gets him a new car so he can pay him back.

When we ordered drinks he actually asked for a separate bill and even the waitress balked at that one.

He then said that he wanted to be open and that he was seeing 2 other people over the next couple of weeks. I told him in that case I am seeing 5 other people by this time next week.

I told him that dating was just like a recruitment process.

I then said I had to leave and went to go back to my car at MLC. He then for some reason got in the lift with me - followed more like it. Thank god there was someone else in the lift.

Then sent a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me and that he could not wait to see me again. (vomit).

I sent him a thanks but no thanks today and he replied "I wish you well. I thought you were quite interesting. I will be meeting with more girls over the next week. On this occasion my application has been unsuccessful. I imagine you have a lot of applicants."



Dear Beth,

Was that an email for advice / help or did you just need to vent your spleen?

Are you sure you met up with the right guy? Perhaps you just bumped into a schizophrenic homeless dude that just happened to bear a slight resemblance to your date?

Did you notice if he was wearing a tracking device?

Wow, it sounds like you stumbled into an arsehole's anonymous meeting on this one. It feels like we are having a clearance sale on imbeciles this month at Reality Bytes. When you logged onto RSVP, did you choose to climb inside the barrel so that you could physically scrape the bottom of it or were you able to lean in and dredge?

He sounds like the sort of bloke who needs to be barred from the gene pool. It's as simple as that

Good for you for only hanging in there for an hour. A minute more and your IQ would have had to be lowered by law. Many ladies would have been polite and put in the requisite 3 hours. Mind you, if you had hung around any longer you may have been driven to smash a martini glass over his face. No judge would have convicted you once you told them the tale of woe you just experienced.

Look, you obviously found yourself a real keeper here. Chuck insists that from now on you do a little bit more work over email. It appears that you may have just taken off at the starters gun rather than doing some pre match work. Try and flesh out whether he is an A.1 Cork Stroker before you agree to actually meet him in the flesh to save yourself the aggravation.

Let Chuck give you some basic principles to work with when doing the primary on-line investigation:

  1. If you're under thirty, dodge the previously married guys. They couldn't make it work the first time and you have time on your side so why bother seeing if they have fixed the creaking hinge?

  2. Any mention of a previous girlfriend within the first week of making contact indicates that he is still hung up or does not understand that you don't give a flying fuck about the poor chick who previously dated this pole smoker.

  3. Once again, if you are under 30 avoid any bloke with kids. What you want is his full undivided attention. What you don't want to be doing is eating chinese takeaway at his place, baby sitting his snotty nose 2 year old who has a knack for interrupting while you're getting felt up.

  4. If he mentions meeting his parents during your initial email correspondence you need to be concerned. If he is internet dating and living with his parents imagine awesome nights playing X Box or Playstation 3 in his bedroom. Pass.

  5. Discussion around his net worth and assets indicates that he probably spends more time in the bathroom than you and more than likely masturbates into a sock.

  6. Unless you are a drug user yourself (or love Twisties and Tim Tams), any mention of drugs and drug use is a warning sign. Remember, he is meant to be impressing you. How many first dates have you been on where you have sparked a doobie in the first 30 minutes?

  7. Talk of other dates with multiple women highlights a desperate need to impress how popular and in demand he is. In reality it indicates that he can't snag repeat business because he is more than likely to be a tool bag.

Ok, so now you have some key performance indicators (KPI's) when screening these bozos, lets get back to your evening.

Damn! You needed Chuck's KPI's in your purse before you met up with this loser. He broke 3 of Chucks principles in the first hour.

  • Ex wife screwed him over: she did her time by allowing him to put his dick in her for however long he did. Any financial or material benefit she got out of the marriage is small consolation.

  • Bankruptcy: are socks that expensive?

  • Dad buying him a car – probably in the hope that he will close the garage door with a length of hose pipe while he is in it.

Splitting the bill on the first drink is poor form and the waitress probably should have belted him over the head with the tray.

Beth, I'm afraid Chuck needs to deduct a point from your overall score when you retorted that you were seeing 5 other people in the coming week. You lowered your colours and you're better than that. What you should have said is “are you having trouble making one of these dates stick?” That immediately tells him that you are all over his game whilst indicating your obvious disdain for him. Chuck can appreciate that not everyone has the ability to carve someone to pieces at will, but lets work on it for next time ok?

You really do need to question the cognitive capacity of a bloke who couldn't get a read on an hour long date. His follow up text message saying that he couldn't wait to see you again is either the act of a man with his head so far up his own arse that he couldn't see that your skin was peeling off being around him or a last ditch attempt to hold onto any skerrick of fluff that has even bothered to meet up with him. Chuck is leaning toward the former.

Chuck is proud of you for actually sending a text saying that you weren't interested in vomiting in your own mouth for another hour in his company. This has the affect of emasculating him, puncturing his ego and keeping him away from you all at the same time. Too many woman would have had a bad time and just dodged his calls and emails. You left no doubt in his mind that you were aborting this union.

His text response was what Chuck refers to as “the weak sauce”. It was a desperate move by a clearly desperate man. As much as most would want to send another zinger back at him, it is best to let that one go straight through to the keeper indicating that it had no effect whatsoever and that you have already moved on.

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