Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Part 2 –Mr. Outlook Express Calendar

to recap, this is what Chuck's dealing with:

Madam Boodwah and Chuck,

Why is it that men who turn out to not be that into you express a desire to do things together months down the track. Do they just change their minds then not want to be with you? Or do they think that the only way to have their way with a lass is feign some desire to commit? It's all too confusing.

Doll Face

Dear Doll Face,

Chuck is a little disappointed with you young lady. Surely by now, having been a loyal reader of Reality Bytes, you have figured out that the vast majority of blokes have no idea what they’re doing 10 minutes from now, let along months down the track. Can you please stop and think about every guy you know. How many can you think of that have gone out of their way to plan out stages or events in a relationship? Men are exceptional at plotting financial scams, calculating ways to avenge misdoings and organizing boys trips away. As far as men planning ahead, that’s it.

If, on the off chance that you have chanced into Mr Outlook Express Calendar, Chuck has 4 possible explanations for this behaviour:

Explanation 1

Upon meeting, you came across as so virtuous and pious that he immediately believed his chances of putting his cock in you was nil until marriage or commitment ceremony. As a result, he felt he had to concoct some form of ruse in order to get you thinking long term and thus loosen your poon strings. The forward planning gets you thinking that this guy has you pegged as a long-term option and therefore you feel more comfortable giving up the coochie.

To avoid this in the future you should cease carrying a pocket bible and doing the sign of the cross every time you sneeze.

Explanation 2

He has multiple pieces of schmoo on the go at once. Chuck fears that we’re getting into advanced male behaviour here and the 1000 word limit will not do it any justice. Let Chuck try and keep it concise. If Mr Outlook Express Calendar is juggling a couple of ladies at once like a modern day lothario, he will need an elaborate planning system to keep the various parties as far away from each other as possible (with limited information available to Chuck on this character, it’s difficult to judge his adeptness at being a pimp). A true Hugh Hefner type would carefully structure his week so as to suitably entertain the ladies and provide enough attention to keep them interested but at the same time, provide windows of opportunity for the other members of his harem. By planning out months in advance, he can keep his women on a string and his stress to a minimum.

Should this arise in the future, a sure fire test would be to show up at his house unannounced and see if you can catch him nut deep in something else. The downside to this strategy is that you may come off looking like a crazed stalker or worse yet catch him whacking off on the couch to Australian Idol.

Explanation 3

You were unlike every other Reality Bytes reader and chopped him up very early in your dating history. Not only did you carve him, you did it better than dad carves the turkey at Christmas time. In fact, your lovely lady bits were so top shelf that he felt the need to book in return engagements over the subsequent months. As the sex went on, he stopped to realize that there is more to relationships than just pure physical intimacy and he decided to end things…..RIGHTO!

On the other hand….. another way to look at this scenario is that he hadn’t put one away for such a long time that the sudden plunge into your woman-hood made him giddy and he locked you up for repeat engagements. Everyone knows a guy who hasn’t shot a load into a woman (of the unpaid variety) and the minute he gets the chance he is so in love and ready to marry. It’s the power of pussy and it’s force is STRONG. Quite simply, he went against the best advice of Chuck Long’s father:

“Son, never marry the first woman you fuck”

Explanation 4

The most boring and unfortunately the most likely reason. You have both wandered into a new relationship with excitement and expectations. By the sounds of things, Mr Outlook Express Calendar has become particularly joyous and has leapt into showing his interest by scheduling you in as often as possible. Regrettably men are stupid and don’t realize that by not controlling their excitement, they can often ruin the entire experience (see premature ejaculation). There is an incredibly strong possibility that this guy freaked himself out. A month into things he would stare at his schedule and notice your name locked in all over it. He would then gasp for air, grab his chest and claim that he is being suffocated. Or, even more likely, he has rushed without taking the time to get to know you and made a rash decision on your compatibility based on a series of crammed in dates that did not allow the proper development of a relationship

Either way, the lesson here is that in a relationship, a guy should never be in control of anything more powerful than an automobile. In the early stages commit to nothing and follow the old business adage:

“Decreasing supply increases demand”

Words to live by.

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