Tuesday, September 29, 2009

1800 – DIAL – A – BILF*…. or NILF*

Dear Madame Boodwah

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! I’m a 25 year old woman who recently moved back to my parents place due to a career opportunity in my home city. Sadly my boyfriend is still overseas and it’s been 2 months since I have seen him so we thought we’d give phone sex a go.

Early one evening I went into my parent’s room and grabbed their portable phone. Later that night I called him while they were asleep. Inbetween a couple of yeah babys and mmmm’s I told him how I was imagining him sliding his big hot throbbing member into my horny wxx pxxxx. As I was telling him where I was touching myself my finger accidently slipped to the intercom button and before I had a chance to fix the problem my boyfriend is gasping ‘YEAH BABY! I WANT TO COME ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!!’

In a panic I hung up the phone. Only to next hear heavy footsteps coming up the hallway. My heart was racing as I heard my dad open the glass liquor cabinet an then turned on the TV. As I write you this email now all blood has run from my face and I’m feeling faint. How do I face them in the morning? What should I do? I’m completely panicked and embarrassed.

Snow White

Dear Snow White

If this were a conversation taking place in the Boodwah household this would have been considered normal – for Nana Boodwah anyway.

See at the age of 16 I accidently discovered Nana Boodwah was a phone sex worker. One Sunday afternoon while Nana Boodwah was cooking up a storm in the kitchen I was going through her collection of Woman’s Day Magazines when I came across a 1800-DIAL-A-NILF Phone Sex Manual with the handwritten inscription ‘This manual belongs to Nana Boodwah’.

As I was started flick through it with eyes wide open Nana Boodwah caught me as she was about to ask me if I wanted some sausages. We kind of looked at each other very surprised both wishing that this moment had never happened. ‘No. Thankyou. It’s okay’ I said sheepishly. Nana B gave a quick response of ‘Okay, darling’ and turned to walk quickly back to the kitchen.

When it came time to sit at the dinner table Nana Boodwah and I couldn’t look at each other. After lunch when everyone else went outside she sat down with me to explain that she had been lonely since Grandpa Boodwah had died and she had to earn some extra money since she couldn’t find where Grandpa B had hid all their cash as he didn’t believe in banks. Unfortunately fortune telling wasn’t generating enough income to support her champagne and cruise ship lifestyle and as you’ve probably realised by now Boodwah’s don’t do things in halves.

So yes phone sex and families are a place you don’t want to go. To say your parents are more than likely mortified is probably an understatement. What options do you have? Well to they’re pretty grim to say the least but let’s explore.

Option 1

I know you haven’t had much sleep but you have to get up early before your parents do and go to work. I am sure they don’t want to deal with this as much as you do.

Option 2

If they confront you about it (well your mother on behalf of your father) agree with her how disgusting it was to hear a phone sex line cross over into your phone call and that it happens all the time when you dial internationally. Trust me, your mother will be looking for any excuse to not believe her daughters a dirty tramp.

Option 3

It’s important not to ruin your Golden Child image so do what you did as a child and blame it on another sibling. Say ‘yes Sibling X told me about it this morning. I was so shocked but don’t worry you don’t have to confront her as I had words with her about it this morning.’

In the meantime I would stick to acting as though it never happened and to keep these explanations in mind if ever confronted. You’re a 25 year old woman you can do what you like but maybe stay away from the phone sex option until your boyfriend comes back but on another note have you ever considered taking this up professionally? Nana B tells me it's quite lucrative. Keep me posted on how you go.

*BILF – Boyfriend I’d like to f*ck

*NILF – Nana I’d like to f*ck

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