Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Fox Hunting....Tally Ho!

Everyone's favourite source of the truth, Wikipedia defines Fox Hunting as `an activity involving the tracking, chase, and sometimes killing of a fox, by trained foxhounds or other scent hounds, and a group of followers led by a master of foxhounds, who follow the hounds on foot or on horseback. “What the fuck does this have to do with anything you usually ramble on about?” Chuck hears the ladies querying. Well....

Chuck is forever being asked by his legion of female followers who turn to him on a daily basis for guidance and direction “what are the pro's and cons of dating a much older man?”

So the above definition has a hell of a lot to do with what Chuck usually rambles on about, because today, Chuck is playing the role of Master of Foxhounds as we hunt for foxes– silver foxes to be precise. Put on your Roxburgh hunt coat and breeches and liberally apply Vaseline to your inner thighs because you could end up in the saddle for a while.

It is important to define the silver fox as a man over the age of 45, with greying hair and sex appeal plus. When we talk about silver foxes, most of the ladies out there will get dreamily moist thinking about George Clooney, Jim Clark or John Della Bosca. Chuck hates to burst your bubble but these chaps are few and far between and the chances of pulling some sausage like that is around 5%.

Do not fret however, they are out there and they are relatively easy to snag since most of them despite their good looks, sex appeal and wealth tend to be ego maniacs who will pounce at any opportunity to plough through some younger poontang. Remember, all men want to hold onto the mantel of top dog. Anything that allows them to feel like they still have it is an easy sell. Why the hell do you see sloppy old dudes walking around in speedos, getting their hair streaked or wearing tight t-shirts? It's because some highly skilled sales assistant has drooled about how hot and young they look causing the credit card to be thrown ninja style across the counter.

Men are weak when you pray on their vanity. Never forget that.

Since Chuck is an absolute man of virtue, it is important to lay a few ground rules first and foremost when stalking your silver fox prey:

Number 1- you can't go after a married silver fox. It's just poor form and you need to stop and think how you will feel when you have completely lost your looks at 45-50 and some young piece of schmoo flounces along and bamboozles your husband of 20 years with a perky rack, legs that go on forever and a nubile vulva. You'd be fairly disappointed Chuck would imagine. Remember, what goes around comes around.

Number 2 -despite the fact that it is probably the easiest hunt you'll ever go on, you cannot fish from the company pier. Yes, most business leaders fall into the silver fox demographic, but think about the damage you could do to your reputation and career if word gets out that you were swallowing the bosses beans under the boardroom table? When the bus breaks down in struggle town and the wheels invariably fall off, who's the one coming out of this second best? Sure, you could hold onto every poorly crafted text message that a 50 year bloke has awkwardly punched out or even capture his wrinkly prune on film, but you're not the one with a multi million dollar severance package.

Finding and capturing the silver fox is the easy part. Once you have a silver fox in your sights and before you release the hounds Chuck needs to help you weigh up the pro's and cons of actually capturing one:


  • High probability that this guy will be really into you (especially if you are reasonably attractive). Remember, most men are vain, he will feel like he is 21 again.

  • Likely to be financially stable and independent (unless his first, second or third wife has completely cleaned him out). Nice pad – check. Boat – check. Flash car – check. Expensive holidays – check.

  • if you snag the right silver fox he will be cultured and know how to treat you like a lady. Gone are the days of being taken to a local RSL club for dinner. This guy will have an appreciation for fine food and wine that you will reap the rewards on.

  • Staying with the “treating you like a lady” theme, your silver fox is likely to do the little things that younger guys seem to have lost. Opening doors for you, unexpected compliments, slow dancing, respect and consideration.

  • Expansion of your social circle. You are going to be exposed to an older crowd, likely with deeper connections in business and society. Tap into this to expand your career opportunities (preferably not by shagging every one of his male friends) and social standing.

  • Refined sense of style and fashion. No more tracksuit pants and ugg boots. You are now in the land of leather loafers and Hugo Boss polo shirts – to breakfast!

  • Last will and testament. So you snag a silver fox and manage to date for a year plus. On the off chance that he dies, you stand to inherit a small fortune. That's a definite upside.


  • Not only do you run the risk of being broken up with (as in any relationship), you also have the probability of death being significantly higher. Imagine trying to make a relationship work with the spectre of death hanging over your shoulder?

  • Snarky teenage kids. If you snag a silver fox, the likelihood is that he will have children in an a range (13+) that allows them to have a fully developed sense of resentment and hate. Additionally, if their mother finds out that her former husband is now hanging out of a woman 15-20 years his junior, she will take a full dose of bitter pills and pollute the kids with propaganda about you.

  • If you pull a silver fox with grown children you could be in a world of hurt. There is a chance that they may be your age or worse yet, older. In this instance, you know they are going to be all over their old man about him being embarrassing and living the dream. Family dinners could be very awkward unless of course they like getting on the cans as much as you in which case you may have just found yourself some new drinking buddies once their dad has to potter off to bed at 9pm.

  • Bad body. Quick, rattle off how many 45 year old hard bodies that you know? The reality is that you are going to have to find a way to see a healthy paunch and grey pubes attractive. Good luck.

  • Your parents. How are your folks going to react when you bring a fellow pensioner home?

  • His friends. You will probably be the toast of the town amongst his male friends who would give their left nut to be able to trade their leathery handbag of a wife in for a younger model. Unfortunately, the handbags will detest you for that very reason and you will always be on the outer.

  • Unlikely to want to commit to marriage. Most of these silver foxes have been through the marriage ringer before and are unlikely want to make that leap again. The key to getting a silver fox down the isle? Mind blowing blow jobs. Men are suckers for a premium gobbing.

So there you have it sisters, Chuck has once again strapped on his back brace and carried you so that you can make an informed decision. There is no right or wrong move in this instance as the silver fox can make life really good or really awkward. Before Chuck goes however, he probably should leave you with the biggest con of all, so big in fact it that deserves its own section...

Two words- ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. Forget about those nights many moons ago when you picked up a European backpacker and he bounced you around every room in your house until your nether regions needed to be iced. The only way that is happening is if your silver fox mainlines Viagra. Get ready for nights filled with loving embraces and you telling him, “its ok, we can try again next weekend”.

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