Thursday, September 24, 2009

Browning your meat

Dear Chuck,

I am writing to you to express some concerns that I have about my father's new lady friend.

The story is not about me, but of a short stocky Greek man of 58 years - (imagine George Constanza for visual purposes) after being single for around 10 years, he out of the blue advised that he was indeed seeing a new partner. Once told of who it was, I almost spat out my quarter strength, decaf, skinny latte...with an equal.

For the purposes of this story, the man in question is TT, his new partner we shall refer to as Ms X.

TT used to work with Ms X's husband...they were quite close and through the years, they became quite good friends...any way, TT left his employment and so with it the friendship pretty much died...this was until one day that TT received a phone call from Ms X in a hysterical state...he could barely work out what Ms X was saying but they arranged to have coffee to discuss further.

They met over a full fat cappuccino and a chocolate muffin and it came out that Ms X's husband was a closet homosexual and had actually bitten more pillows than Paris Hilton....and that she thought TT was the man dishing up his Greek souvlaki to her husband....after offering to show her then and there that he does not do it "Greek style", he did what any good, straight man would do....he took her to the nearest bar, ploughed her with tequila shots and tried to take advantage of a female in her most vulnerable state.

From this, TT and Ms X began dating and now are in a full blown relationship, he is doing well and as most agree, punching above his weight.

The reason for this letter Chuck is to seek your opinion of my beloved father enjoying this relatively tasty but possibly contaminated enchilada?? You have been right about everything so far...

Please help me...



Dear Magic

Jesus Christ (ironic that Chuck’s invoking the lords name when we’re about to discuss a gay love triangle and the issues involved in requesting an STD examination in the early stages of a relationship).

Magic, thanks for bringing a curly issue to the table today. There are so many factors at play in this tale that Chuck can see why you may need some help in figuring this one out. It’s never easy when you’re dealing with a parent getting back in the love / relationship saddle again and can be even tougher when you start to consider your old boy throwing around his sausage. Most people actually get a little repulsed by the thought of their parents boning, so please, all Reality Bytes readers take a moment to stop, collect your thoughts and imagine your mum and dad pounding.

Ok, now that the tone is set, lets get cracking on this situation.

You mentioned it’s been 10 years since your old man’s last non-paying relationship with a woman so Chuck’s guessing that you are really pleased for him. At the same time, you’re worrying about his health, concerned that he may have picked up an unwitting vessel of disease.

Without the full story Chuck is going to have to make some assumptions here. Lucky for you Chuck is rarely, if ever off the mark. Chuck thinks its fair to state that Ms X’s ex husband didn’t roll out of bed on a Wednesday and decide that he was gay. There is a strong possibility that those late night business meetings were actually opportunities for him to find himself in public toilets. It is also reasonable to believe that it was probably taking place for some time before he actually decided to inform Ms X of his decision. Now lets also take a punt that he was more than likely to have forgone protection from time to time in the spur of the moment as the majority of blokes (hetero or homo) have done. What does that leave us with? In all likelihood he has exposed himself to some form of sexually transmitted illness.

Now continuing with this complex mathematical formula…

It’s possible for Chuck to deduce that since Ms X went off the reservation at her husbands homosexual revelation, that that she did not see it or suspect it. Quite simply, she was obviously on the receiving end of the meat sword once or twice a month, which kept her mind ticking over that her husband loved flange rather than O ring.

Since they were married, it would be fairly tough for the husband to rip out a connie and suggest that they have some protected sex, unless of course he pulled the tried and tested “I want to slow myself down” line. Chuck finds this highly unlikely, especially if they were married for over 10 years where the average length of intercourse including foreplay is 4.5 minutes

So what are we left with? The very real chance that the husband has exposed Ms X to a cornucopia of disease and pestilence.

Now how do you broach this issue with your old man, TT?

The fact of the matter is that the Greek God has more than likely already had Ms X on the rotisserie spit so it could be too late. After a decade of drought, TT is so pleased that he is packing heat again that he bypassed all common sense and dove into her anguished love mound unprotected. He is probably already a Petri dish of skank. Mind you, syphilis doesn’t get really serious until much later in its life so he could still cut that puppy down while he has the chance.

Chuck thinks it’s important to also consider your old man’s ego. Remember, Ms X actually accused him of being her former husbands lover. TT would be so keen to prove that he is hard-core heterosexual that he is rubbing Viagra directly onto his knob in order to have a perma-hard-on. He’d be destroying her poontang at any and every opportunity. They are probably having so much sex that they are giving STD’s to their STD’s.

Magic, you and Chuck both know that your old man has not even thought to ask Ms X to have her oil checked. It’s a contentious issue to raise with your dad because he is going to be smitten and wont want his snotty nosed kid suggesting that his new woman could be broken. So how do you force the issue? Consider:

  • - Every time you visit, leave some condoms in the ashtray
  • - Tell Ms X that she feels like part of the family. Then the next day instigate a new family tradition – giving blood. Say it’s for the greater good of humanity blah blah blah. Then slip the person taking the blood a fiddy and ask them to whizz it through the STD processor and see what comes out.
  • - Inform Ms X that you are haemophiliac and that you would love to have some of her blood on tap just in case you cut yourself opening a can.
  • - Trawl through her dirty laundry evaluating her knickers for puss like discharges
  • - Drop some STD information pamphlets throughout the house
  • - Confide in her that your girlfriend has a nasty case of Chlamydia and that she needs a woman to go along with her to get the test done as she is embarrassed. Then get your GF to suggest it would bring them closer if she had one too.
  • - If she scratches her crotch relentlessly, she probably has crabs.
  • - Tell her you are studying to become a beauty therapist and that the next assessment is on waxing… braziilian style. Your girlfriend is already bald as a badger and you need to practice. Once she drops her strides you need to be on her crotch like a hawk looking for festering open sores or warts.

Any or all of the above either get her under the microscope or provide grounds for you to have a frank discussion with daddy dearest. Its not going to be comfortable but it could save a life..or two. If push comes to shove Magic, send your Pop this way, Chuck will gladly take the wrap if it means your old mans todger doesn’t fall off.

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