Thursday, September 10, 2009

Aye Aye Captain

Not so long ago, Chuck introduced his theory of “Certain Amount of Outlay”. Of course it ended up bringing the house down with the Reality Bytes inbox almost reaching capacity as the ladies clamoured for more of Chuck's insights into the best places to go mate shopping. As an interesting side note, the NSW Triathlon Association made moves to honour Chuck with a life membership after their membership numbers skyrocketed by 300%!

For those of you who missed the introduction to the theory, jump on this link quick stix to catch yourself up. Once you've done that, hustle back here as Chuck is about to unload another 2 top-shelf ways to find yourself some quality beef. If you're late back you'll end up as sloppy seconds.

Ok, once again, Chuck is going to serve up on a silver platter another 2 prime places to go to meet eligible men as well as providing a heads up on where to avoid so that you don't get yourself stuck with some monosyllabic rock ape (unless of course you are looking for that).

Male slaying option 3


This is such a slam dunk that Chuck feels almost stupid having to suggest it to people. Think about this, you are joining a club where to be a member, the vast majority of people must have the cash money resources to afford a 100k-500k vessel, it's upkeep and it's housing. That, my friends is not chump change. Lets immediately tick all boxes pertaining to financial security, gainful employment and ability to shower you with ridiculous gifts. This is almost the pinnacle of Certain Amount of Outlay theory. Your average bloke who enjoys a bit of sea salt sprayed in his face does not have the capital to purchase a yacht and hang out at the local yacht club. The dudes hanging about in this place have put a lot of their chips on the table and are wholly invested in this activity.

Before many of you less athletic types scream “there Chuck goes again, another fucking sporting activity!”, just stop and consider this... about the most strenuous thing you have to do on a yacht is occasionally tug on a rope here and there and vomit when sea sickness sets in.

Other upsides to joining a yacht club include:

  • The opportunity to loll about on the water all afternoon sipping chardonnay

  • A fantastic tan

  • Chance to wear deck shoes and a polo shirt with the collar popped

Of course there are some downsides to the sort of blokes you will find at a yacht club. These include spending all afternoon with a bloke who drinks chardonnay, who's skin is like leather as a result of sun exposure and who enjoys wearing deck shoes and walking around in a polo short with the collar popped. However, probably the biggest negative to dating a member of a yacht club is that often times their boats become their lives and they would rather polish their brass than polish you off.

You have two targets when joining a yacht club. The easy kill is obviously the silver fox (attractive older male) who may enjoy the advances of a younger woman and will likely treat you like a trophy girlfriend propping you up on their boat like a hood ornament. If the purpose of this post was to tell you how to find some rich sausage that you could bone until he had a heart attack and allow you to take his wealth, then Chuck would elaborate more on this.

The downside to going after a silver fox is two fold. 1) they're probably not in it for the long haul (or until you lose your looks) 2) you will serve to upset every woman over the age of 45 who already resents your presence in the club and now despises you hooking into the George Clooney lookalike that they have been fantasising about for the last 3 years when their husband of 20 dumps his beans on a quarterly basis.

Probably your best strategy with the yacht club option is to make an impression with the older members and their wives so that they will gladly introduce you to their sons. Now obviously you are likely going to end up with a boyfriend named Edmund, Richie or Gilroy, but when you get them around your mates and they start referring to them as Ed, Dick or Roy everything will be sweet as a nut.

If all else fails, make sure you go after the Commodore, he always gets the primo parking spot.

Option to stay away from...

If you have ever wondered what it would feel like to be meat on a rotisserie spit, then Chuck has the perfect place for you:

The Mad Monday celebrations of a professional football club.

If the original question posed by Anne was “Chuck, where could I go to get knocked up really easily?”, then one of these functions would be the place for you.

These guys tick plenty of boxes – physically fit, gainfully employed, have outlaid much physical pain and effort to be good at what they do. However, wandering into the lions den is no place to find eternal love. These lads are probably imbibing for the first time in a long and arduous season so they will have the taste for it and more than likely a low tolerance. Secondly they will have pack mentality going so there is a strong possibility that if you did pick up one, you would also be joined in your bedroom by the entire forward line or back row.

Don't get Chuck wrong, being a keen athlete and physical specimen himself, Chuck can appreciate the need for professional athletes to have a wake for their season just passed. It is what it is and the lads deserve to be left alone to do what they need to do. Chuck vows that here are more options for the lovely readers of Reality Bytes to go with before trying this option.

Finally, what the hell would you be doing at a pub on a Monday afternoon? Strumpet.

Male slaying option 4

Industry breakfasts.

Think about it, you have a group of professionals willing themselves out of bed to attend an early morning function serving bad coffee in order to sit through some mind numbing presentation or workshop. These people are ticking a number of our boxes right here – gainful employment, motivation and professionalism. Their outlay is their investment in their own future, they are committed to bettering their career opportunities (either that or they will do anything for a free breakfast). What woman wouldn't want a bloke like that?

A couple more upsides to the industry breakfast idea

  1. You get an up close and personal look at this bloke first thing in the morning, allowing you to decide whether or not you could wake up to that for the rest of your life.

  2. You are stepping into an environment where absolutely no one is looking to pick up. You may actually be able to have a conversation with a bloke without them playing some angle or self promotional line.

  3. No alcohol, so no moralistic slip ups that you would ordinarily wait for the 3rd date to make. You are catching these guys in their natural state.

  4. Keynote speakers often provide bios so you can really focus in your desired target and make sure their career success lines up with what you are after.

  5. If all else fails you may be able to bullshit your way into a better paying job or sleep your way to the top.

The downside to all of this of course is the fact that you may be an accountant and the last thing you want to be doing is hooking up with another accountant. Who the hell wants to talk about accruals over a candle lit dinner? The problem here is showing up to an industry breakfast for engineers for example when you aren't an engineer. Inevitably you will be asked “which firm do you work for” to which you reply “I'm not an engineer” to which they think “what sort of looney bin shows up to an engineering industry breakfast when they aren't an engineer?” Pretty tough to rebound from that unless you quickly respond that you are looking for some cock. That will distract him.

So how do you survive if you sneakily attend an industry breakfast unrelated to your field of expertise? The key is to do a little homework or forward planning. For example, if you go to a medical industry breakfast, you can always say “Well I'm not a doctor but I do have a keen interest in cosmetic surgery” WHAM, not only are you able to talk the talk, but the plastic surgeons will be circling like vultures ready to pick the money off your ageing and in need of a lift, body.

Something to avoid saying if you do go to an medical industry breakfast is “Oh, I'm just here looking for a doctor who will prescribe me Oxycontin”. Probably not putting out the best vibe.

Chuck will be back on Monday with another two nuggets that will have you hanging off Mr Right's arm before you know it. Enjoy your time out on the water this weekend!

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