Sunday, September 6, 2009

Panthera Pardus – can a leopard change its spots?

Chuck and Madame Boodwah were recently sharing a bottle of vino at Chateau De Long as MB regaled Chuck with a dating experience that she had been recently enduring. In a nutshell MB had reengaged with an older bloke who had previously fucked her about. Madame is undoubtedly a woman of the world, so it was bemusing for Chuck to hear her dilemma. This guy who was once a penis, was now showering her with warmth and affection and pulling out all stops to win MB over one more time.

Being two of dating's foremost experts, you can imagine how much back and forth occurred as these titans of the heart hashed out the pros and cons of Madame Boodwah taking up this guy's advances.

Finally without any clear answer, Madame Boodwah turned to Chuck and said

Can a leopard change it's spots?”

Before Chuck gets to that, its important to consider this point: “why the hell would you even bother with someone who has screwed you around previously?” (Madame Boodwah's argument primarily focused on looks and mind blowing orgasms). The screwing around can be in the form of poor treatment, emotional negligence, adultery, bad taste in jewellery or mind games. No matter the deal, the fact remains that this guy couldn't treat you right, and more than likely kicked you to the curb. Sisters, repeat after Chuck “I am woman, hear me roar!”

Why even give this cracker a second chance? Are you that hard up that you need some recycled pork? Was he so fantastic that that you can forgive previous sins of the heart? People always say in relation to criminals that they did their time, they have repaid their debt to society. Well what sort of fucking time did this banana do? What's his penance?

Ok, Chuck has that off his chest and the vein in his forehead has stopped throbbing, lets get back to the post at hand. Can a leopard change it's spots?

The answer is so easy

Yes.....but only under the strictest of circumstances

Lets take a look.

Generally a dude does not wake up, scratch his balls, look in the mirror and go “you know what, I'm a total arsehole, today's the day I change”. Typically any radical shift in behaviour is as a result of some traumatic event, whether it be physical or emotional. It will be some occurrence that makes the guy take stock and re-evaluate their lot in life.

Things like death or loss are often the swift kick in the nuts that these cats require. They realise that rolling through life isnt the way to go and have the necessary epiphany to tidy up their act.

If you stumble across one of these blokes, you can give them a second crack. Key things to look for are men who have recently found Jesus or have begun offering large contributions to charity.

One loss to be wary of is the guy who's loss is financial. More often than not, he is now worth 65% less than his net worth the first time you got dicked around by him and you now present:

a) a steady income

b) familiar arms to fall back into

c) a cheaper option than the glammed up schmoo he was recently chasing

There are some instances when a man meets a woman that challenges him in every way, shape and form and this may have the effect of altering his behaviour. This leads to the question, if you weren't able to do it the first time around, what have you done lately to become awesome? You probably aren't that chick so don't even bother.

Believe it or not, some men mature with age and grow out of being a knob. As they grow they experience life, have a better perspective and are able to moderate their behaviour. This is the toughest one to pick because at any moment a lapse could occur. How do you tell if a guy has matured and is able to right past wrongs? Great question. It's at this point that a paradigm shift has to occur. The woman must absolutely control the show and crush any poor behaviour. You need to teach this old dog new tricks.

These can be massive confidence building relationships for women because you are able to set the tone and explain that you will not tolerate any slips. You have this guy in a full squirrel grip. The key is that you must be prepared to apply the necessary pressure and if the behaviour starts to show a pattern, go 180 degrees, cut circulation and walk away.

From another perspective, a situation like this presents the ultimate revenge relationship. If he comes crawling back, you can pretend to give him a second chance while totally emasculating him – making him follow all your bullshit rules and terms. When you have completely broken his spirit by doing things like dressing him in t-shirts designed for men 10 years younger or encouraging him to dye his greying hair jet black because you find it sexy, drop punt him – HARD!

Luckily for us, none of the Reality Bytes readers are of that ilk....

Postscript by Madame Boodwah

Readers will be happy to know I didn't go on a 3rd date with the recycled pork. I let his call go through to message bank, allowing him to stew for several hours before returning the call, only to leave a message that I was unavailable due to daddy duty. He got the message and I havent heard from him since.

But backtracking to the second, second date (re-engaging after a year), there were some highlights... when he told me 'I'm not walking away this time' and I replied 'it's umm okay I was the one who ummm didn't pick up your phone call so umm I think I was umm the one who walked away'... He choked on some chilli and had a bad reaction causing his tongue to swell up while giving him a bright red face and watering eyes. Although concerning at the time it's quite amusing in hindsight that he literally suffered in his jocks for telling me something that I knew was absolute crud.

Anyway maybe I shouldn't have given this geezer a second go but I was interested to see what he had to say for himself. He did lay it on thick with his apologies and compliments but because he was so far removed from my mind I actually had to think about what he did, as the first time around we only went on a couple of dates.

Now that I think about it, in one instance he asked me to a bar after Melbourne Cup and then proceeded to ignore me while eyeing off other chicks, and then left not long after I got there. I may have let this go but once I remembered what happened and had a chat with Chuck, I realised we had no solid foundation for a relationship and I needed to practise what I preached.. that dude did not deserve me!!

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