Not so long ago, Chuck was engaged in a lively conversation with a female friend at a local alehouse when they spied a couple of young men that they recognised from past activities. Upon approaching the lads and offering up greetings, it was soon evident that one of them was on a date and that the other was along for the ride as the date had insisted upon bringing a friend along.
Once Chuck had finished a series of jokes about polygamy, Mormon marriages, ancient courting rituals and this dude's complete and utter non-chance at getting laid tonight, the subject turned to the friend's wingman obligation.
Almost instantaneously, Chucks female friend stated “oh, so you have to be a good wingman and take her off to the side to talk to her”. As she was saying this she was smiling broadly as if she had unlocked some secret of the male domain.
Chuck could only shake his head in bemusement. Is this what we have come to in society? Watering down one of the last remaining bastions of male virility?
Of course, this leads to part 13 of the Chuck Long Educational Series for Women. This chapter is one of 650 designed to introduce women to some of the intricacies of the male psyche as well as aiding in familiarising ladies with male behaviour.
Today's piece focusses on the proper definition and use of the Wingman.
In its purest form, the wingman is responsible for distracting the female friend (who traditionally plays the role of A1 cockblocker), getting her away from the object of your mate's desire and in most instances actually running a length through her while your homeboy takes his target off for his own oil and lube change.
Since many of the Reality Bytes readers may be having a hard time grasping the concept, let Chuck use a real life example that everyone can relate to:
In the movie Top Gun, Maverick and Goose hit the bar and Maverick spots his target (Charlie). He informs Goose that he is locked in and immediately their roles are defined. Maverick is on point and Goose is the wingman. If on the other hand Goose had made a call (and let's be honest, the only thing he would have been pulling that night was his own pud, especially with that wispy moustache he was sporting), then Maverick would have been obligated to play the role of wingman. In reality, Charlie would have been slurping down gin and tonics with a frumpy friend, bitching about her last boyfriend.
As Maverick approaches, the frumpy friend instantly determines that he has less than pure thoughts on his mind and she immediately starts counting Charlie's drinks, killing the mojo on any of Maverick's best lines and generally trying to squirrel Charlie as far away as possible. Her mission is to prevent Maverick from getting off a rocket.
This is where Goose comes in. As a true wingman, he has to engage the bogey and get her to divert her attention to him. He has to listen to her banal conversations, offer soft compliments at first until she begins to loosen up and then he has to get her heat seeker focussed squarely on him. While he is running interference, Maverick is working the flaps, trying to get maximal elevation.
If Goose is a wingman of high standing, he actually gets the bogey thinking that all her lucky stars have collided and she loses all interest in cockblocking. This allows Maverick to go full throttle, and for his target to take control of the joystick and steer them out of there. Goose is left with a fully engaged bogey and two tanks full of aviation fuel to dump.
What seems to have been lost in translation is that the end result of all this is that the friend (Maverick) puts one away. Too many times Chuck has heard the term wingman tossed around after some dude has managed to secure a phone number while his buddy was buying the chunky friend a vodka cruiser.
That isnt being a wingman, that is being an enabler – Goose would be turning in his grave if he knew that his role had been diluted so woefully.
The wingman has to put all self respect and reasoning to one side and take one for the team no matter what the friend looks, smells or feels like. He has to use every move in his repertoire to distract this woman so that his boy can get the job done. In polling blokes about the least attractive thing they have ever put their howitzer in and why, most would respond that it was as a result of the call of duty. They were doing what they had to do for their country.
Of course, the true measure of friendship is a bloke who zeroes in on a woman with good looking companions where all the hard work is actually worth the end result.
For all Maverick's crocodile tears at Goose's tragic death, he couldn't have cared for him all that much since he went after a woman with a male companion.
RIP Goose, the ultimate wingman – taking a scud missile in the tail pipe.