Friday, August 14, 2009

Beauty is in the girth of the beholder.

Dear Madame Boodwah

My friend and I would like to share our double dilemma with you.

Firstly I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months now and while we haven’t slept with each other yet, things ventured into second base last night and I’ve discovered he has an ANACONDA FOR A PENIS!!! As lovely as this discovery is I’m a bit worried it won’t fit.

Secondly my friend is a single mother of 3 kids who’s been with her guy for about 6 months. They are really in love but when it comes to rumbling in the hay it actually is like trying to find/feel a needle in a haystack. My friend is also mindful she is a bit loose due to pumping out 3 munchkins.

Madame Boodwah do you have any tips?

Your help appreciated, The Snake Charmers

Dear Snake Charmers,

Many moons ago I once found myself in a similar snake pit – yes an Anaconda. I shared my concerns with a Russian Lady of the Night named Ya Ya who frequented a bar I use to go to when living in Tokyo. ‘Ya Ya it’s soooo big! I’m a little scared’ I said sheepishly trying not to mimic her Russian accent. Ya Ya reached over looked me in the eye and gave me an assuring squeeze on my arm. ‘Darling, do not vorry you vill adapt’ she oozed, giving me an affirmative nod. She then lit her cigarette between her pink pouting lips and exhaled into the air like a glamorous 1950s movie star. ‘But you know, small men are a good thing. I can get more business done in one night’ she added, while keeping an eye on her 4 phones that lay on the bar. ‘You know in Russia ve do exercize’ she said with a wink as she pointed down to her genitalia. Before I had a chance to delve into the topic, one of her phones rang and she was mouthing the word ‘business’ while waving to me out the door, leaving me forever curious as to what these exercises were.

Still not convinced I paid a visit the next day to my friend Dr Geena the Gyno. I told her of my dilemma ‘Well I know your vag is average so you’ll be able to handle a 9 inch long 2 inches wide schlong.’ Dr GG's a woman who likes to explain gynaecology in layman terms. While trying to think about how long my boyfriend's penis really was, she went on to explain that 60% of the female population have an average sized vag, 10% can rip the button off a champignon and 30% are loose enough to handle a slab of salami.

Dr GG also informed me that the size of the vagina varies at different times making it hard to measure, as it does expand when aroused for sexual intercourse and particularly giving birth. When laying dormant the vaginal walls collapse to each other and the diameter is less then one inch and the length is generally around 3 to 4 inches.

That night I downed a couple of neat scotches and took on the wild beast. The first few times were a bit uncomfortable but it didn’t take long to adapt and before you know it he was giving me orgasms like clockwork. Sadly though we broke up 6 months down the track and I fell into a deep dark depression. Please note: An ex with a peccadillo has given me orgasms like clockwork too.

So what to do if the person you bump uglies with has a champignon and you’re part of the 30% that is built for a slab of salami? According to the Russians, Kegel exercises are out and the ancient Dao technique of using wooden balls or “eggs” is in. 42 year old Tatiana Kozhevnikova from Russia holds the title of World’s Strongest Vagina in the Guinness Book of World Records by lifting 14 kilos with her lovely lady muscles thanks to her daily Dao’s.

In conclusion maybe a leaf out of Tatiana’s book may help your friend, and a set of birthing stirrups plus happy gas with a surgeon on standby will help you.

If only it was like fitting a glass slipper.

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