Dear Chuck and Madame Boodwah,
I was out at a pub for a flatmate's birthday, and as is the case at these things, there were friends of friends of friends there. Early on I spotted a cute guy with a very cheeky smile, who I thought I wouldn't mind talking to. Somehow I manage to strike up a conversation with him - let's call him Jonathon - and we start to get on really well. As the night progresses, everyone gets a bit loud, and as the pub is closing, my flatmate invites everyone back to our house (we do only just live around the corner). So naturally I extend the invitation to Jonathan, who decides to come along. Anyway, back at mine we continue talking about life the universe etc, and suddenly I realise it's about 4am, and everyone else has passed out or gone home.
So obviously we had a bit of a kiss, after which I offer him the couch for the night. He is there when I wake up in the morning, and though I was wondering if we would get on as well when we were sober, we do. Jonathan stays for breakfast, and then asks for my number. Great, I think. Here's a lovely guy who seems genuinely interested in getting to know me, for a change.
I get a text two days later, asking how I am, and saying how nice it was to meet me. Again, great! I reply with something similar, and we continue to exchange texts for a couple of days, until I work up the courage to ask him out for a drink.
And this is the reply I got: "I am free on the weekend, but I think if we met up you would be disappointed. My heart's not really in it, I've been single for a while and planning to stay that way. Sorry."
Now this is where I just don't get it. If he didn't want to see me, why did he take my number and then text me?
It's all very confusing Chuck & Madame, can you offer any kind of explanation?
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Firstly I’d like to say WTF but well done for keeping yourself nice.
Why did he ask for your number? Well I think he might be passively trying to set you up as his booty call. Although he’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship he still left an opening for you ‘I am free on the weekend’ which leads me to think he’s actually saying 'I am free on the weekend FOR JUST SEX'. If he comes back with ‘I still want to be friends’ that’s bullshit, he’ll only want to be your friend incase you have a moment of weakness.
Why did he go to the effort of talking to you till 4am? If he’s passively trying to set you up as a booty call a good way is by feigning an ‘emotional connection/chemistry’ so you’ll feel less threatened and open the stairway to heaven a lot more easily in a situation that suits him.
Why did he go to the effort of staying at your place ‘on the couch’ and have breakfast with you in the morning? Well some men will do anything to get a root. I think you should flag this joker. There are better men out there but next time hold off on the kissing for when you first meet them as it’s too much of a clear signal you’re keen.
Where to from here? I think you deserve more than being just a booty call. Don’t contact him and don’t be surprised if you hear from him again but late at night. Again don’t respond as he probably sent that text to 10 other women to see who’s the most available….sexually. If he’s saying he’s single for a while you’re not the first woman he’s probably pulled this routine on.
New rule: never ever ask a guy out. If he’s into you he’ll ask you out. If he asked for your number, then texted you he can also ask you out. If he's not asking you out he's not interested.
Madame Boodwah
Melissa,
Here's a challenge, poll as many single people as you know and ask them
“do you like being single?”
the only people who will say yes are people who:
have just divorced or murdered their partner and gained significant wealth
someone just out of a relationship with an over bearing pain in the arse significant other
a bloke with poontang on tap
As Chuck Darwin would say, we are intrinsically wired as human beings to either seek partnership or spread our seed.
I tend to agree with my esteemed colleague Madame Boodwah on this one, I think Johnny Boy was lining your good self up for an old fashioned booty call.
Lets break down the proceedings and see if we can find the tell tale signs.
I was out at a pub for a flatmate's birthday, and as is the case at these things, there were friends of friends of friends there. Early on I spotted a cute guy with a very cheeky smile...
Ok, so you meet a cute guy at a pub and you strike up conversation. The vast majority of blokes meeting a girl at a pub think “i might get laid tonight”. So lets assume Johnny Boy falls into the catergory of most blokes.
my flatmate invites everyone back to our house (we do only just live around the corner)...
Things get a bit boisterous and loud, he is probably counting his chickens at this point and then decides they have come home to roost when old room dog invites everyone back to your place. Hes' in, I bet he even flicked his mates a look “Boys I'm dialed in, don't wait up”.
it's about 4am, and everyone else has passed out or gone home...
4am, everyone has passed out. Johnny Boy has probably also nearly passed out due to all the blood being in his boner for the last 2 hours.
So obviously we had a bit of a kiss, after which I offer him the couch for the night. He is there when I wake up in the morning, and though I was wondering if we would get on as well when we were sober, we do. Jonathan stays for breakfast, and then asks for my number. Great, I think. Here's a lovely guy who seems genuinely interested in getting to know me, for a change.
Alright, lets get this straight, its 4am, you're both drunk and now you are making out. Johnny Boy is already thinking about how he can tell his posse about how easy it was to nail you. Things crash down when you offer him the couch but then his mind switches to “OK, I'm in the front door, I've done the Gary Groundwork, I can convert this” - hence he asks for your number.
He plays all the angles in the morning, leaving you with a nice taste in your mouth.
I get a text two days later, asking how I am, and saying how nice it was to meet me. Again, great! I reply with something similar, and we continue to exchange texts for a couple of days, until I work up the courage to ask him out for a drink.
Johnny Boy waits the bog standard two days before reinitiating contact, following all pre-conceived dating ideals. He applies the appropriate level of complimentary small talk over the next few days, keeping they buttery sensation of interest in your mouth and continues to angle for the next hook up.
And then all of a sudden
WHAM
You take hold of the steering wheel and yank the power play into your court, asking him out on what he now views as a date.
Now if he had the game that Chuck Long possesses, he would have parlayed that into yet another opportunity to drop the hammer. Unfortunately Johnny Boy has not undertaken Chuck Long's class on Pimpology and therefore we have:
"I am free on the weekend, but I think if we met up you would be disappointed. My heart's not really in it, I've been single for a while and planning to stay that way. Sorry."
Johnny Boy clearly shit the bed when you intimated date and has thrown out his last ditch attempt at the hook up. I am free on the weekend but don't expect anything other than a physical encounter out of it. Melissa, a lesser woman may have proceeded, but you my fine girl turned to Reality Bytes and we have saved you the aggravation.
Chuck Long has seen the likes of Johnny Boy in action before, so rather than you wondering what might have been, let Chuck Long paint you a watercolour of it
You show up, you have a few drinks, Johnny Boy turns on the charm, you have that funny feeling in your loins, you go back to his place, he gives you everything he has for 3 minutes and it is all over.
Chuck Long may have just satisfied you more.
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