Monday, August 31, 2009

$100 on the nose

Not too long ago, Chuck was asked by female reader Anne:

Ok, so you've told blokes how to meet a woman, what about some advice for us ladies to meet a man?

Over the past few weeks, Chuck has really put some time and effort into this question because in reality, its not just Anne who wants to know the answer here. There are legions of women out there who need Chuck to lay his bag on the line and provide some insight into where the ladies need to go to fish from the “good” XY pond.

Of course Chuck is making a giant assumption here, guessing that Anne isnt looking for sausage-fest 2009. If that's the case Annie, please drop Chuck a line and we can spend another post hypothesising on the best places to go to find the meat hammer.

Lets get on with the good sauce shall we?

Ladies, let Chuck introduce you to a new theory:

Certain Amount of Outlay”

Not so long ago, Chuck was sitting at a dinner party heatedly discussing the absolute necessity for women to wear G-strings while exercising (totally new topic right there). Chuck's dinner conversation partner (DCP) was arguing that while working out she isnt looking to pick up. Chuck inquired as to what sort of exercise she partook in. The DCP responded “rock climbing”. Suddenly an idea dawned on Chuck “how much does urban, indoor rock climbing cost?”

the DCP responded:

about $20”

Chuck inquired “how often do you go?'

DCP “once or twice per week”

Chuck computed what he knew about rock climbing while adding the 40 bones per week:

expensive equipment + physically fit (try lifting your own body weight with your fingers) + male dominated activity + urban setting mid week + 40 smackeroos per week = eligible bachelors

Some of you may want some insight into the brilliant workings of Chucks mind. You're sitting there saying “Ok, we all know that rope, harnesses and chalk are expensive. That's easy. We know rock climbers are physically fit. We know its a male dominated activity. How the hell did you get to eligible bachelors?”

That's why Chuck gets paid the big bucks.

Most rock climbers wear tight fitting clothes and often no shirts- exhibitionists with a little confidence. Secondly, its a rock climbing centre being populated by blokes mid week. How many married blokes could get a pass out twice a week to climb up a wall in a giant shed? Thirdly, these blokes are dropping upwards of 40 bucks a week to climb said wall. They obviously don't have a partner crunching the numbers and obviously do have some extra flash cash to piss away.

All that equals eligible bachelors.

2 revelations came out of this conversation

  1. Chucks DCP was immediately purchasing an athletic G Banger

  2. the theory of Certain Amount of Outlay was born

So what is the the theory of Certain Amount of Outlay?

Women need to go to places that require men to commit something in order for them to engage in the activity. They need to outlay something (not necessarily money) in order to fully participate and benefit from the experience. If a bloke has put a bit of capital on the line, they are usually serious about it and are probably NOT there to pick-up which means a lady can study them, evaluate them and even get to know them before a guy figures out that he wants to bone you.

The added value to this theory is that many of these places are places that you as a lady may actually have an interest in, so it is mutually beneficial. You have a shared interest right off the bat which definitely aids in the compatibility stakes.

Now it wouldn't be fair for Chuck to rattle off a hundred different options for a number of reasons-

  1. The female readership would race off to these places, pick up eligible bachelors, settle down, be happy, get married and never read Reality Bytes again

  2. There are actually some places that fit the criteria but should in fact be avoided

  3. Chuck needs to put some thought into each option

So for the unveiling of the Certain Amount of Outlay Theory, let Chuck present 2 options for male harpooning (one being rock climbing) and 1 option for the ladies to avoid.

Male Harpooning Option 1

Rock climbing is the first activity to be added to the list and Chuck only needs to flesh out a few more details here. The lads are physically fit, not adverse to getting their shirts off (which allows you to try before you buy), and they are more than happy to stand underneath you looking up your clacker while holding the rope. They are participating after hours, mid week which means they are gainfully employed. As a beginning female you can rely on them for some impromptu instruction which will allow you to evaluate their cognitive and conversational capacity.

We've covered all the other key points on rock climbing so convert your sex swing harness into a rock climbing rig and hit the wall.

Option to stay away from

Greyhound racing / greyhound track

Gambling does fall under the Certain Amount of Outlay theory. Unfortunately, for the most part, you don't want to be logging too many hours on the pull at the local greyhound track. For one, you will most likely be the only female in the place that doesn't walk on 4 legs. Secondly, greyhound racing is said to be in some circles the least reliable form of animal racing (meaning that its tougher to win money). Thirdly, there are issues around how humanely the dogs are treated.

What does this all mean to you? Well, you don't want to be swarmed upon by 20 blokes who are unreliable gamblers with little conscience for the well being of dogs do you?

These blokes are outlaying their hard earned often mid week (which ticks a few of the boxes) but they are deriving limited mental or physical benefit from it. As a female on the prowl, you wont be finding too many hard bodies at your local track on your side of the fence. Additionally, their pay-check is being drained away based on a particularly catchy name:

hey, lets put a hundred on the dog called Cunning Linguist” (insert hearty meaty laugh here)

Male Harpooning Option 2


Chuck knows what some of you ladies are saying-

everything he fucking talks about relates to sport”

But rest assured, in future instalments there will be some non physically demanding places to shop.

Lets get back on topic.

Both triathlon and rock climbing fall under what Chuck refers to as an “investment sport”. Its a sport that if you are going to do it properly, you do need to invest some time and money into it.

Triathlon requires an reasonably expensive bike, clothing and equipment for 3 different sports as well as significant time to train across all 3 activities. Triathletes often belong to clubs of like minded people who are all in ridiculously good shape and have the cash to purchase the necessary gear. It is an after hours event (once again indicating gainful and sustainable employment).

The down side to triathletes is that in many instances men stumble into it as part of their pre mid-life crisis. Mid to late 30's, cant really cut it on competitive sporting teams any longer, desire to keep fit and get their juices flowing in a sporting environment. These blokes can be somewhat narcissistic and wrapped up in their own world so stay on the look out for fresh tattoos and hair dye.

Another key selling point to triathletes - they are able to piss while running, swimming or cycling which is by no means an easy feat.

Chuck will be back with more Certain Amount of Outlay.....

1 comment:

  1. Does the same theory apply to women? Surely if a woman is spending on something like triathlon or rock climbing she's less likely to be a high-maintenance, gold-digging diva?