Tuesday, February 2, 2010

On the face of things

Dear Chuck,

I was reading your post about the girls who’s boyfriend wants her to wear stilettos while making love:(http://realitybytes101.blogspot.com/2010/01/walking-tall.html)
My boyfriend’s current ‘thing’ is coming on my face. Unfortunately for him, I’d squirrel grip him the minute he tried. Why on earth would this be appealing to a guy?



Dear Maddy,

Once again, Chuck needs to point out just how lucky you are…..You really should be thankful that he’s offering to blow on your grill rather than some hooker. Take that 150 bucks and get yourself a facial girlfriend! No in all seriousness, your face is so much better than in your hair. Imagine what a nightmare getting a comb through that coagulated mess would be?  Worse yet, try explaining it to your hairdresser when you have to go in for an emergency procedure to remove half your fringe because the sprog hardened like superglue.

Ok, jokes aside.

As you can imagine, a worldly man like Chuck Long has seen and heard his share of weird and wonderful things in his time.  People will concoct stories to suit their needs. One of Chuck’s favourite tales is that semen is actually good for your skin. Now, a few key thoughts on that statement: 
  • Any scientific research around that statement was surely conducted by men (potentially in a lab called ‘The Tool Shed’) and there would have been no shortage of men looking to contribute to the test and very few women interested in being subjects.
  • If it was so good for your skin, Nivea and Oil of Ulan would have released “Revitalizing Moisturizer Powered by Spunk” by now.
  • Even if it was good for you, who the fuck wants to walk around smelling like an indoor swimming pool? 

If a bloke ever runs that line by you, Chuck would encourage you to immediately suggest that his skin looks a little dry and could really do with a dose of man butter to get it back to shape. Watch the bloke quickly retract his statement while vomiting in his own mouth. (And if he doesn’t retract the statement he is clearly a serial killer and you want no part of him).

There is no real point to Chuck’s tale above other than dudes will try almost anything to dump a load on a woman’s face. Just like getting a woman to wear heels in bed, the money shot on your face is a move directly out of the majority of porn flicks. There is a strong chance that your boy has been dialing into porn and decided that despite the fact that his wiener is 1/8th the size of John Holmes, he’d like to star in his very own adult movie.

Unlike wearing heels in bed, having a full load deposited onto your beak can be construed as being fairly derogatory. The ‘heels in bed’ is a fantasy act that doesn’t cause you any discomfort (unless they’re really tight and cut off your circulation) and allows your man to live his dream. A steaming glob of spermatozoon on your face is not ordinarily something that you’re going to enjoy and go back for more. Chuck doesn’t often turn to a higher power for support, but in this instance it’s fairly obvious – if God wanted women to receive gizz in their face, he would have at least made it smell like roses rather than hard-core bleach.

The second possible reason why a bloke wants to ejaculate on your dial is the power trip angle. It’s a fairly demeaning act to spray a bodily fluid onto someone’s face. Imagine if someone spat in your face? You’d want to punch fuck through them! Sprogging on a woman’s face is probably the biggest power trip (short of clubbing one and dragging her into your cave by her hair). For some blokes, subjugating a woman is a huge turn on and a means to control them. If that’s your boyfriend, then the best course of action is to tell him to eat rocks and go and find yourself a better one.

In all of Chuck’s travels, he’s never come across a guy who enjoys blowing onto himself (admittedly, its not really a conversation topic over a coffee) so it’s fair to say that porn and power are the key motivators. It’s smart that you have set the parameters with your boyfriend – try it and I will grab your nuts and twist. If he doesn’t get the message after that, he may be retarded. Mind you, a bloke being a bloke, he’ll definitely show some persistence on the topic in the hope that you have a moment of weakness and relent.

One last thing to consider- the novelty of trying it once. Most guys are secretly itching to blow in your eyes at least once in the relationship and then watch you stumbling around the room looking for a tissue while they scream ”ATTACK OF THE ZOMBIES!!!!!!!”

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