Sunday, February 21, 2010

Punishing the Little Man in the Canoe

Dear Chuck,

I recently had my first sexual encounter with a guy I’ve been seeing. He was going down on me (and doing surprisingly well I might add) when he looked up at me and said “mmm yummy”. I instantly thought less of him and have dodged his calls this week.




Dear Stacy,

Picture Chuck sitting at his computer wagging his finger and screaming “ooooh nooooo you dih’ant” while channelling the spirit of every stereotypical black female Jerry Springer crowd member.


Stacy, Chuck has read and re-read your email and each and every time gets that sticky hot sensation of embarrassment. Chuck is embarrassed, as a man for what that guy has done. Seriously, who does that?

Recently Chuck has received a few emails suggesting that Chuck has been erring towards the side of negative in posts, so in light of that, lets look for some positive in this situation.






Ok, so about the only positives that Chuck can come up with are the fact that he seemed to willingly go down on you during your first sexual encounter and that he was doing it well. Chuck has run into plenty of dudes in his time who flatly refuse to perform cunnilingus so finding one who readily dive bombs your poontang is definitely a plus. On top of that, you said he did it surprisingly well. We’re not at the stage where Chuck would call it a dying art form but for a first encounter, having a technique that pushes your buttons or having the nous to figure out what is making you tick is above and beyond what you could expect from most blokes. Chuck’s sure you were lying back and counting down the seconds until the mind-bending orgasm arrived.

Then his personality showed up.

It’s always a shame when you meet someone, things appear to click, they are decent in the sack and then WHAM – they do something fucking stupid that makes it hard for you to respect them again. Now many readers (more than likely those who haven’t ever found a man who could perform oral sex decently) will argue that one slip up shouldn’t be enough for you to cut him off but Chuck disagrees. If he thought uttering the immortal “mmm yummy” was appropriate what would this fuck knuckle say at other key moments? Chuck challenges the readers out there to poll friends and family on the use of that phrase at the moment it was used with Stacy (please oh please someone conduct the poll at a Sunday family roast – Chuck would love to see your dad’s reaction) and see how many people cringe in disgust.

Chuck cannot fathom what the hell was going through this dude’s mind that influenced his choice of words. He may have had a poor run of pussy – you know the kind, unkempt, unloved, and unwashed and yours was a breath of fresh air (literally).  Perhaps he was so enraptured by quality schmoo that all rationality went out the window and he was reduced to a boyish mental state, his primal instincts kicked in and he went cave man on you (or worse, your snatch reminded him of his mothers!).

Chuck’s sure you’d like to believe all of the above (well probably not the part about your vagina reminding him of his mothers) but the simple truth is that he’s likely an A1 cockhead. Seriously, in the throes of passion some odd things get said from time to time but “mmm yummy” is not one of them.

In Chuck’s opinion you are right to dodge this guy. It’s going to be tough to take him seriously ever again since he currently looks like an immature fuckwit. If things had been going well enough on the dating front you could possibly have a conversation with him and explain that taste testing your minge is out of bounds. That’s not going to be the most enjoyable conversation that you ever have, the awkwardness rating will be off the charts! The fact is, you saw a side of this bloke that you didn’t need to see. The good thing is it happened early on and you can either work to eradicate the behaviour or kick him to the curb before you get too attached.

The scary thing is that he probably meant it as some form of compliment. Traditional things like “you look wonderful tonight’ or “you’re incredibly sexy” typically get the job done. If you want to dig deeper and compliment a woman’s genitalia you can always use the tried and tested “your vagina is sensational”. Chuck would also encourage a bloke to offer the compliment once the sexual act is completed because it could very easily ruin the entire experience and kill the mood.

Even if this guy was trying to provide some perverse compliment, remarking on the taste and texture of ones vajayjay should never be used, especially on the first instance of sampling it. Mind you, you should take comfort in the fact that at the first tasting you received a culinary equivalent of a Michelin Star!


  1. LOL! Stacy, if he gave you a mind bending orgasm it's forgiveable however saying something like that is embarrassing but hilarious for us readers.

  2. his comment sent things careening off course. no mind bending orgasm - sigh