Tuesday, February 9, 2010

We been dancin' with Mr. Brownstone

Dear Chuck,

I dated a guy for a number of years, we kind of grew into friends rather than lovers and broke up. It felt right at the time and things were a bit tense but I soon realised that we had something special and I missed him. After a number of months we bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s party, speaking and getting on better than ever. We ended up sleeping together and then every weekend for the next 3 weeks. I thought things were moving to the inevitable get back together conclusion but he was non-committal until he finally said that it wasn’t right. I swallowed my hurt feelings until a couple of months passed and we hooked up again. Just like last time he said he didn’t want to go back.

He is obviously screwing me around, why do I know this but keeping going back? And how do I break out?



Dear Mandy,

Its times like these that Chuck slides on his leather pants, teases his fringe with enough hair spray to create a new hole in the ozone layer and blasts Guns ‘N’ Roses Mr Brownstone while gyrating around the room in true Axl Rose fashion:

We been dancin' with Mr. Brownstone
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone
No, no ,no, he won't leave me alone
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

More often than not Mrs. Long asks, “What the fuck are you doing?” To which Chuck responds “junkie love”. Mrs. Long nods accordingly and then refocuses on Gossip Girl.

So what does Chuck mean by junkie love? Well it’s another one of Chuck’s convoluted theories. It would be fair to assume that every single person over the age of 14 on earth knows that heroin isn’t good for you. The vast majority of humans understand that sticking a needle into your arm and injecting a drug is a bad thing. Now for whatever reason, a percentage of the population are compelled to give it a go (although Chuck does often wonder what goes through someone’s head the first time they decide that injecting smack is something that they’re going to do – “yeah, I’ve heard all the bad news stories, but what about the good news stories?”)

Not having ever tried heroin Chuck is going to riff based on some common assumptions and is more than happy for any users or former users to write in and correct any deficiencies in Chuck’s tale.

In the early days, the drug makes you feel good and you tend to enjoy its company. As the relationship progresses, the dependency kicks in, you start to crave its company and you finish each other’s sentences. When you decide that you can’t be together anymore, the breakup is messy and painful. Often after a messy separation a chance encounter sees you dipping back into the pool where you feel all the early pleasures again and wonder why on earth you ever gave each other up – failing to remember the many downsides.

Ok Mandy, so you’re sitting there shaking your head and wondering why Chuck is comparing you to a heroin junkie. Well relationships can be a lot like a drug… Roxy Music even sang about it (Love is a drug and I need to score…). You were with this guy for a number of years and inevitably shared a number of great times. Generally you split for a reason – in your instance you state that you lost the spark. Of course when you bump into each other at a party, the conversation flows and the familiarity makes you feel warm and fuzzy. From there you boned him and Chuck’s guessing that a lot of the physicality that may have been missing later in the relationship came flooding back. Suddenly you felt so good and wanted more. If you hadn’t received a length in a while it probably felt like the best shaft you’d ever had (coupled with the fact that he is a familiar lover and probably knows a few of your hot spots).

And that’s where the love junkie analogy comes into it. You’ve forgotten why the wheels fell off only a short while ago and been seduced by the instant pleasure you’ve received from these dalliances. On top of this, you also still have feelings for him so you’re easily drawn back into his clutches. Unfortunately for you, he isn’t interested in anything more than a quick fix and thinks nothing of discarding you once the buzz has worn off.

The simple fact of the matter is that your ex boyfriend is treating you poorly and is unlikely to want anything more than access to your beef curtains. Continual usage will lead to heartache, pain and abscesses on your skin. The good news is that you know this now. Admitting is the first step to recovery!

So how do you kick the habit? Well you can take a couple of avenues. 
  • Get on a love methadone program – in other words start carving up someone else to take your mind off your ex. Preferably someone attractive that you are not mentally drawn to. You wont get addicted.
  • Go cold turkey – delete his number, stop going to places where he may be, cut out mutual friends, remove pictures of him. This is going to make you feel hollow and sick and result in a lot of lonely nights in front of the television but you’ll get through it. You’ll break the cycle but can you cure the underlying issues?
  • Become a monk – ship out to Thailand and find a monastery that deals with physical and emotion crisis. Somewhat extreme but gets you out of the same stratosphere and allows you some space to get him out of your system.
  • Seek professional help – ordinarily Chuck would encourage you to attend Reality Bytes group therapy but a broken hearted woman should not be around Chuck’s raw animal magnetism. Talking through your issues may help you see that this guy isn’t the be all and end all and that there are other options out there.
  • Fix him a hot shot – no Chuck isn’t talking about mixing up a lethal shot of drugs that will kill him! Hit the gym, buy a few new outfits, treat yourself (hair, massage) and make yourself look and feel like a million bucks. Then accidentally on purpose end up in the same location – this is going to take some intestinal fortitude. You need to let him see you and desire you and then walk away. He’ll chase and you MUST say no. He’ll be jonesing for a fix and you have to play it cool and let him know that he has no chance of scoring. You can then have a drink and leave or preferably find some other dude and start snogging face in order to drive him insane. Of course this is completely childish and immature but you do need some revenge. 
Chuck wishes there was a clear answer to your dilemma but its going to take time, determination, cramping, night sweats, 12 steps to recovery and probably a sponsor (in the form of a girlfriend that will soon get the shits with your whinging). As with any drug, there’s no easy fix in love.  

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