Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Cullen'ary Delight

Dear Madame Boodwah

Sorry to hear you’ve been in rehab. Chuck’s been doing a fantastic job of keeping up the fort but we are missing your insights so I was hoping you could help me about with a dilemma.

Basically my wife has gone Edward Cullen mad.

At first she added him to her screen saver, read stories of him in the New Idea, checked him out on the internet and we watch one of the Twilight series every night. Things are getting worse though - she now makes me douse myself in Johnson & Johnson’s talcum powder and put on her red lipstick so she can pretend I’m Edward Cullen!

At first I didn’t mind as I’m always up for spicing things up in the bedroom but now her obsession is taking its toll and I’m starting to feel inadequate. Even when we’re not role playing she screams ‘OH EDWARD!’ at the point of climax when my real name is Kevin.

Your help appreciated – I hope you get better soon!

Dear Kevin,

As a child you were clearly not loved. A parent who truly loved their child would not call them Kevin. Love is something you have craved all your life which explains why you are willing to do anything to keep the love of your wife, leaving you with little testicular fortitude to stand up to her.

Your letter couldn’t have come at a better time. Since being in Celebrity Rehab Madame Boodwah has had the time to catch up on various books and flicks which included Twilight.

One dark and gloomy afternoon while gazing out the window to an unforgiving stormy sea Madame Boodwah heard her name whispered as she sensed a cold presence behind her. She turned to see who it was but no one was there so brushed it off as a cool breeze from under the door.

Wrapping herself in a blanket, Madame Boodwah returned her gaze to the sea remaining transfixed on her thoughts of the uncertain future that lay before her when she heard a tremendous boom of thunder followed by a blinding flash of lightening that struck a tree outside her window. Screaming and confused Madame Boodwah fell into the strong arms of a person she could not see that frightened her even more.

‘Madame Boodwah, you are safe’ soothed the voice ‘you are safe’ repeated the voice as he laid her on the bed.

Madame Boodwah’s heart rate began to calm down. Her sight returned gradually to reveal a 6’2” young man with features that were perfect and angular, pale skin, topaz eyes and a slender yet muscular physique with unusual messy bronzed hair.

‘I have a package for you’ said the young Adonis as he sat down beside her on the bed sending her into a pliant daze.

‘What kind of package?’ said Madame Boodwah with a subtle pant.

‘This kind of package’ said the smooth young Adonis looking deep into her eyes as he unbuckled, delving deep into his pouch to reveal a big, thick, white………….box.

‘Oh, that kind of package.’ said Madame Boodwah in a soft but disappointed tone.

He gave wry smile. ‘I’ll be back’ he assured her through his blood red lips as he handed her the package.

Madame Boodwah bowed her head to investigate what and who it was from. She lifted her head to finish the conversation but he had vanished into thin air.

Overcome by an instant void she still managed to open the package that revealed a copy of the DVD Twilight and a pair of new knickers with a note that said ‘Dear Madame Boodwah, you have been in our thoughts. Get well soon. Lots of Love P-Club x’

Note: P-Club was a secret society Madame Boodwah belonged to who met every month to talk about Prose, Poetry and Pen*s over cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. There was even a secret handshake. A hall of fame is yet to be established.

Although baffled by the new knickers her spirits were instantly lifted and she immediately placed it into the DVD player.

Madame Boodwah had tried to read the book a couple of weeks back but found it hard to keep focus as she felt as though she was reading re-runs of her ever dramatic life. She can’t even say the photos of Robert Patterson (yes I had to Google what his real name was) did it for her in New Idea or Who magazine.

Not realising it was humanly possible, half way through the movie Madame Boodwah started to eat her knickers. She now understood what the spare pair was for and what all the Edward Cullen fuss was about.

What makes Edward Cullen so attractive? Why has your wife become overly obsessed with Ed?

Firstly his name’s not Kevin.

Secondly he is everything a real man is not or could ever be which makes him the perfect fantasy. He may be psychically attractive but his attributes are what make him ‘impossibly beautiful’. If the average guy possesses at least three of Edwards attributes he’s doing pretty well.

If you don’t have any of the below and would like to lose your virginity, here’s a few tips on how to Edwardsize yourself;

Intelligence – there are places in this world called libraries, in there you will find objects called books and in these books they have things called words which are made up of letters. You are meant to read them. If your mum is reading you this post I suggest you just go to school.

Style – burn your high wasted jeans with your attached mobile pouch and the white trainers you wear with them. Throw in the multi coloured parachute suit too and remember Jerry Seinfield is funny not fashionable. If you invest in a decent haircut and clothes your chances of popping your cherry will increase by 50%.

Articulation – Edwards so awesome he can read minds so there is no need for him to pick up the phone. Scuse the cliche but reality bites so be a man, pick up the phone and call her. I dare you. Short texts are fine for logistical purposes but trying to have a whole conversation is a bit on the flaccid side.

Musical Aptitude – Burn your Knickleback CD, the wobble board and your recorder from grade 3. They don’t exactly say sex machine. Edward listens to Debussy and plays the piano. Good taste in music is vital. Most instruments require good finger work. Imagine what that says to her.

Mobility – Edward can dance. Like properly with a woman. It’s sad that a majority of Australian men today have lost this skill unless forced into it for their wedding day. Women love being flipped around. Invest in some dance classes as per Chucks advice in…

Chivalry – drop fuck from your vocabulary unless used in context. Don’t send her the porno jokes your mates send you. Pay for dinner, make sure she gets home safe, treat her the way you’d like your sister to be treated and don’t pressure her into sex. Ask her questions about herself and listen to what she has to say as you may find out something interesting about her. Manners are sexy too.

Endurance– Sure you will never have the speed, strength or the telepathic abilities of Edward but investing in fitness is a sure fire way to develop it. Not only will it make you feel better your lover will appreciate it too.

So you must all be pleased the size of his donga hasn’t even come into it! I could be forever adding to this list but I won't otherwise I'll be here all day.

To be honest Kevin I think your wife is in a fragile state. In my professional opinion I think your wife has decided to invent a new reality so she doesn’t have to deal with the trauma of being married to a Kevin anymore. If you want your marriage to work and for your wife to come out of her psychosis you are going to have to change your name. Trust me one name change and the talcum powder will be gone.

With love,
Madame Boodwah x


  1. A comment if I may... although I have noticed that censorship is rife.

    My comment is this - KEVIN is a fantastic name for a cat.

    That's all.

  2. Poor cat. A call has been lodged with the RSPCA.