Thursday, February 18, 2010

Lobbing a grenade


On the weekend my wife walked into the living room wearing a pair of leggings – you know those skin tight stretch pants. We were heading out to a friend’s house for dinner. I love my wife dearly but after a couple of kids those pants do her no favours. I mentioned that she might want to put on something different and of course she totally packed the shits with me. I know its not just me, surely those pants are off limits for those not in shape?



Hang on, just let Chuck position himself directly under the hand grenade you’ve lobbed in this direction! There’s blood in the water and the readers are like sharks, circling Chuck waiting to take a chunk out of his arse with one false move. Luckily for you, Chuck has a large set of nuts and isn’t afraid to put them on the line.

There are plenty of women out there who should be morally obligated to hang a “viewer discretion advised” off their backside when they decide that they’re going to wear leggings in public. Please let Chuck clarify that we are referring to leggings without anything else over the top. You get a free pass if you have them under a dress or skirt. Lots of women wouldn’t dare wear bikini bottoms to the beach but think nothing of wearing figure hugging tights in public that merely coat all the lumpy bits black or navy blue rather than skin colour. The leggings don’t hide the evil lurking underneath, they just change the colour!

Now before office keyboards start to blow up as the ladies pound out hate mail to Chuck, let’s think this through. Would you want to see some dude with a monstrous boiler (gut) in a skin tight shirt waddling towards you? Of course not. Granted plenty of blokes don’t realise that they are now a size XXXXXL and don’t fit into the size Medium they currently have on but that’s because they’re too lazy to go shopping.

Chuck has noticed a lot of heavier set young ladies cutting about in leggings when they really have no business showcasing their roman pillars for legs. Many would say “oh, they are comfortable in their own body and don’t care what pigs like you say!!”.  Perhaps, but Chuck has another theory on this phenomena. In the old days (20 years ago) woman generally started out as regulation size and got through their teen and early adult years in decent shape. The burden of children and careers often led to weight gain later in life. In these instances, many women are conscious of their bodies because they realise that they have let themselves go and aren’t happy about showing it off.

Fastfoward to 2010 where children are no longer born with silver spoons in their mouth rather a gaming console and a can of coke wedged in their gob. Kids tend to grow up as porkers and move into adulthood like that. They aren’t embarrassed about the state of their body because they don’t know any different and all their mates are hefty bags too! Chuck knows he’s treading the fine line right now, but it has to be said. Perhaps women are wearing the skin tight gear because they are less aware of their body and don’t know any better. It doesn’t make it right or acceptable.

Ralph, you are not alone in feeling that leggings should not be worn if a woman isn’t in semi decent condition. What defines semi decent condition? Well for starters, if you get thigh chafe from walking then you are definitely prohibited from wearing leggings! Chuck isn’t trying to run a communist tight country here but some form of self-monitoring must be in place.

There are some exceptions to the rule: 
  • Any female can wear them in the gym. You are there to work out and they are extremely practical for the job at hand.
  • Pregnant ladies. Its hard enough getting dressed, let alone worrying about what some fuck knuckle writing a blog says – dress comfortably.
  • Olympic athletes. If you have buns of steel you are almost legally obligated to show them off in skin tight clothing. 

Of course all three exceptions to the rule still must abide by Chuck’s fundamental rule – g-strings are mandatory! If you’re going to wear skin tight pants, no one wants to see your granny knickers crawling into your arse crack (this includes pregnant women).

This all may sound very harsh and judgmental and it probably is but the simple fact is that no one wants to see out of shape women in clingy clothing. You look like a lumpy condom and no one wants that.

There is one greater sin however…

Blokes in leggings.

About the only time it is marginally acceptable is if the dude is world class athlete (Chuck includes ballet dancers in this group) but even then who wants to see vacuum packed sausage?

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