Thursday, December 17, 2009

Moroccan Spices (Continued - Part 3)

Started here:

Continued from here:

Chande noticed Chuck grimacing, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, Chuck is just used to a fairly tight schedule and hasn’t eaten this morning – got to feed the machine you know” said Chuck, valiantly attempting to mask the stabs of pain piercing through the lower half of his body.

In deep storytelling mode, Chande shrugged off Chuck’s unusual body language and continued, “So obviously Dan is hinting that I should pay for the calls so I offer, and he replies with "Thanks for offering, yes that would be great."

Realizing that he was now doing Chande a disservice by not focusing 100% on her situation and instead worrying about the impending bowel obstruction he was facing, Chuck reached into his jacket pocket and slipped on his Ray Ban Aviators, allowing his eyes to be covered and delved deeply into his happy zone and began Transcendental Meditation of which he was a master. Chuck’s pain quickly dissipated and his clarity returned.

“So you’re telling Chuck that this squeezer left you in a foreign country – one that’s not always known for it’s delightful treatment of women, and now expects you to square away his phone bill?” queried Chuck.

Shocked by Chuck’s sudden crispness of focus, Chande blurted “Yeah, it was two phone calls. Worth a total of £80. And yes that is expensive - I agree - but no more expensive than a night out. And I should throw in here that he lives at home, pays no rent. And I'm now about to stump up $160 for two phone calls. And I'm not exactly broke but I don't live at home and $160 is not spare change for me”.

“You spend $160 on a night out? Are you an alcho?” asked Chuck incredulously.

A sheepish Chande admitted, “I don’t mind a drop”.
Chuck’s adrenalin had now kicked in and he was functioning at his usual higher than the average human being level again. He stared out to the ocean and ruminated on all that Chande had offered. After 5 minutes, he turned back to Chande, “Chande, when Chuck saw you this morning it looked for all intents and purposes that you were ready to head into the early morning surf and not return like Bhodi in Point Break”.

Chande chuckled.

“Let Chuck make a few assumptions. Number 1, you’re actually contemplating paying the bill. Number 2, you’re prepared to accept that leaving you alone in Morroco was ok because he was sick. Number 3, you actually feel bad that you ran up his bill and number 4, you’re disappointed that you were attracted to a tight wad loser.”

Chuck eyes burned with passion and he radiated confidence. Chande sat slack jawed in awe.

“Oh my, you just covered every thought that was running through my head.” Then in rapid fire Chande continued “I know I shouldn't pay, but I know I will. I know I'm a total mug. I'm really disappointed he turned out to be such a tight-arse loser. Is it just me or is it really cheap to ask a chick to stump up for two panicked phone calls she made because you left her stranded in a foreign country?”

“Yeah Chuck just said all that” deadpanned Chuck.

Chuck grabbed a handful of sand and put on his most serious face. Holding his hand up, Chuck slowly let the sand fall out the bottom, “like the sands of time…”

Chande leaned in closer, ready to absorb Chuck’s wisdom.

Chuck quickly opened his hand and let all the sand drop out. “I always wanted to say that”.

Chande slumped back.

“Look my girl, first and foremost, no decent bloke leaves a woman/ date stranded in a foreign country, unless customs just found marijuana in your boogie board case and your facing 20 years to life, in that case its ok to do a runner. It’s a bullshit move and Chuck believes that you should be outraged at that straight off the bat. Now you’ll argue that he was delirious 
and not thinking straight and Chuck will implore you to stop making excuses for this drop kick and hate him for it like he deserves. Once you have mustered up enough hatred, all of your other problems will dissolve away.”

“How does that work?” asked Chande.

“Well, if you truly begin to despise his actions and in turn this guy, you’ll quickly realize that there is no fucking way you’re paying his poxy phone bill. If anything, he should be paying it and paying you damages,” continued Chuck

“Yeah but I ended up having a good time” said Chande.

Chucks eyes narrowed “Will you stop covering for this fuck knuckle?” Coincidentally (and now with a better understanding of your affinity for boozing) you met a group of decent people who you had a good time with. You’re using that to help justify things. Chuck’s sure that if you were kidnapped and forced into prostitution, you’d spend your time in between blowing middle eastern business men cursing Dan the little man and conspiring to slaughter him if you ever managed to escape like the Count of Monte Cristo”

Chuck emphasized his last point with a sharp finger point.

Chande nodded.

“So to get things right in your head, you were completely justified in using his phone in this situation and you will not be paying a cent to this dude, ‘ Chuck summarized.

“And before you even say a word” said Chuck just as Chande was opening her mouth. “Stop even worrying about dating a dude with moths in his wallet. You weren’t to know based on two months dating that he was a cheapskate.”

Chuck could sense that he had brightened Chande’s disposition as she was now openly smiling, “however, you should focus a little more on Chuck’s blog since if you really dialed in, you would have known that going on this trip was ill fated anyway based on the short tenure of your dating history. You claim that it was going to be free and easy, but there was obviously a little more to it. Unfortunately for you, you had to find out that this guy was a penis in a foreign land with no support”.

Chande was now beaming.

“Oh Chuck, you have been a ray of sunshine. I’d been beating myself up over this for weeks. I feel rejuvenated” said Chande as she suddenly lunge at Chuck and put a monstrous bear hug on him which was surprising since she was so diminutive in stature.

The surprise and speed of the hug caught Chuck off guard which abruptly cut off the Transcendental Meditation that Chuck had been practicing for the past 15 minutes. With the focus now cut and Chande’s squeezing, Chuck’s bowels sprang back to life aggressively. All of a sudden Chuck broke out in a full body sweat, had piloerections erupt all over his body and his rectum began to pulsate.

Realising that he was about to defecate in his shorts, Chuck squeezed Chande back hard, using the hug as a guise to hide his desperate attempt to slam his sphincter shut. Chande took Chuck’s reciprocation of the hug to mean that he was enjoying the embrace and ratcheted up the intensity even further. Chuck was now in full panic mode, it felt like he was trying to hold onto a bowling pin with his anus. Despite all of Chuck’s mental power, he could feel the inevitable slide of poop coming. He quickly released Chande from his arms, stood up as quickly as possible, ripped off his shirt and started running somewhat awkwardly for the surf.

A stunned Chande called out “Chuck, what are you doing?”

Always one blessed with a quick mind, Chuck screamed, “Chande, today is your rebirth” and then quoted Acts 22:16 “And now why tarriest thou? arise, and be baptised, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord.”

 A blazing smile broke out on Chande’s face and tears welled in her eyes as she scrambled to remove her jumper.

Chuck dove headfirst into the water just as his bowels emptied. Swimmingly madly to escape the sewerage that he’d just dumped, Chuck ventured out deeper and then turned to watch Chande dip herself into Chucks murky wake. Chuck trod water as Chande surfaced and began her new life, confident that with his vindaloo blessing, she would have the strength and courage to make it.


  1. My, my, my, you are good at reading situations, are not you, Chuck Long. You do tend to crap on in your stories though. I'm half tempted to ask your advice for my little o'l problem.

  2. Give into temptation and send it in