Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Koala Ears

Chuck was at his local gym recently, methodically working through a rigorous lifting program designed to develop and sculpt lean muscle mass. Generally speaking, Chuck is not easily distracted and has an innate ability to focus on the task at hand. The usual gym goings on – aerobics classes, steroid trade, blasting Britney Spears on the loud speakers, rarely cause Chuck to waiver from his goals and business. On this day however something caused Chuck to pause and take stock. Perhaps it was a lapse in concentration (hard to believe), perhaps it was a break between sets (plausible) or perhaps it was just what Chuck caught out of the corner of his eye. Either way, it was enough for Chuck to put down the two 50 kilo dumb bells he was working with and just watch.

So what was it that caught Chuck’s attention? Picture this:

Casually strolling through the gym was a man in his late 40’s, early 50’s. He was wearing a t-shirt that was over 10 years old as evidenced by the fact that it was nearly see through. The t-shirt came down to mid thigh. He was wearing flip flops and his long, grey and wiry hair was wet and tied back in a pony tail. That look alone was enough for Chuck to let out a sigh and start contemplating his next set of power lifts. However, Chuck’s eyes were drawn to this guy as he made his way to the pec deck and casually sat down (sans towel) and readied himself for a workout.

Now jumping on weight equipment without a workout towel is a fairly disgusting habit, but what Chuck saw next scarred his retinas. The chap pulled his long t-shirt up so that it wouldn’t impede his range of movement and in the process exposed what he was wearing underneath the t-shirt. A wet, royal blue speedo! To make matters considerably worse, he had the largest a set of koala ears (grey pubic hair poking out either side of his swimming trunks) that Chuck had ever seen.

So to recap, a bloke wearing wet swimwear sat down on public gym equipment, with no barrier between his body and the seat, and proceeded to lift weights while exposing his grey bush to the entire gym.

Chuck instantly fought the vomit back in his throat, took a sip of water and shook his head. None of the gym instructors or management staff seemed overly concerned with this guy so Chuck took it upon himself to have a word and hopefully set him straight on gym etiquette. Chuck waited for him to complete his first set and headed in his direction.

“Excuse me sir” Chuck began

“Yes?” the older chap responded.

Chuck continued “you’re obviously keen to get a workout in, Chuck can respect that, but I cant help but notice that you’re not using a workout towel…”

Cutting Chuck off, the old bloke snapped “listen son, I’m not doing any harm”

Always one to stay calm under pressure Chuck subtly flexed every upper body muscle simultaneously and responded “mate, leaving nut butter all over the gym equipment and flashing your unkempt groinal region to the entire gym is causing harm by offending everyone in here. It would be my recommendation that you at least put on some dry shorts and employed a towel”.

The older gentleman clearly noticed that Chuck’s mass had hardened and increased and could tell that Chuck took his gym seriously. He quickly stood up, gave Chuck a dirty look and headed for the exit. Chuck did the dutiful thing and wiped the bench down with disinfectant and paper towels so that unsuspecting users didn’t end up coated in his anal sweat and juices. Chuck stood in the centre of the gym and scanned the expansive room. How many other breaches of gym etiquette were taking place in front of his awakened eyes?

Scrambling to find his workout log book, Chuck turned to the back page and started taking notes. With so many men and women frequenting health clubs in order to maintain their physiques, the gym has always been a hotbed of dating activity - people in tight athletic apparel, demonstrating drive and determination to alter or maintain their appearance. Chuck has always preached that it is the perfect place to check out talent levels and even find love or at least common interests. The time was right for Chuck to clearly establish some protocols for the weight room that not only make the experience better for the user, but may also facilitate finding romance.

Chuck’s Gym Etiquette and tips for attracting partners:

-       Always use a workout towel.

Lets start with any easy one. Yes, you use a towel to wipe down benches and equipment after you’ve finished using them, but more importantly, you use the towel to wipe the sweat off you and your hands should you happen to spy a hottie and pipe up the courage to introduce yourself. Nothing’s worse than a sloppy, sweat soaked handshake or worse yet, talking to someone who gets you hot in the loins with sweat dripping off your nose.

-       Women should always work out with a g-banger on.

Chuck covered this some time ago:

But to recap, if you’re wearing form fitting gym gear, why inhibit the package by wearing your grandma’s underwear and presenting an ugly set of visible panty lines? Mark Chuck’s words, no matter how big your back yard is (bottom), a g–string will at least have guys checking it out. Knickers that cut into your rear end, creating additional speed bumps have just that effect – they slow your action down. Why take the risk?

-       Women wearing g strings in the gym should be careful

Nothing screams cheap and tacky than a thong hanging off your shoulder blades. Keep that thing tucked carefully in your pants

-       A hairy back should always be concealed

Men with a back rug are morally required to wear a t-shirt at all times. Sure everyone likes getting their pipes out to put on a gun show, but if you are easily confused with an Alaskan black bear, you just need to suck it up and do everyone the favour. There are not many women who will look past the forestation on your spinal chord and see the beauty in your bulk. Better to keep the thatch of hair a secret until crunch time when you have your lady naked on the bed pining for you before you peel off the shirt to reveal your horrible secret.

-       Bad male body odor is poor form

Many people would argue that working out hard causes them to sweat and thus smell. Chuck can appreciate that argument, but what we’re talking about here is that pungent and stale body odor that comes from not showering in a day or two. Not only are you impacting the workout experience for those around you by fouling the very air that they are forced to breath, you are also stunting any chance you have of attracting a partner because they will always associate the smell of stale ball sack with you anytime they see you in the gym and worse yet in public.

Chuck will be back on Friday to complete the list and help you have much more meaningful gym sessions.

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