Thursday, December 10, 2009

Koala Ears (continued)

Continued from:

The Reality Bytes inbox has exploded with high praise for Chuck’s thoughts on gym etiquette and tips for attracting partners. So many people had been thinking it, but it took Chuck to say it. In order to decrease the demand, let Chuck increase the supply:

-       - Loitering is for losers

If you can’t be patient waiting for someone to finish on a machine or with a piece of equipment you’re probably a premature ejaculator or at least an only child. Chuck shook his head in amusement as he witnessed losers standing next to people working out on machines, passively aggressively willing them to get off so that they could use the equipment. On top of that he counted numerous occasions where someone put down a weight, turned around to get a drink and then returned only to find a dude had swooped in and lifted the gear. Now accidents will happen but on many occasions, people just couldn’t be arsed waiting.

Chuck gets fairly jacked off when groups of dudes perform a lift then stand around talking for 5 minutes while leaning on the machine and not so secretly looking at themselves in the mirror. The only problem is that when you walk over and ask if you can jump on, they angrily state “WE’VE GOT 3 SETS LEFT”.

What Chuck is talking about here is people not having the patience or decency to wait their turn and not crowd other people’s space. If you’re like that in the gym, what are you like in everyday situations? Driving on the bumper of the car in front? Pushing in on grocery lines? Leaving sporting events in the 3rd quarter? And of course blowing a load if a tongue is used in a kiss.

-       - Muffin tops are never a delicacy in the gym

Look, Chuck knows that people are in the gym trying to get in better shape. That doesn’t mean that all fashion sense goes out the window. If you are a little tubby, then you need to wear clothing that works with your chubbiness, not wage a war against it that it can never win. Women in tight workout pants and shortish athletic tops with a band of blubber hanging over the top is an absolute fashion faux pas and turns men’s wieners flaccid.

Chuck has heard people say “I bought these size 10 jeans for when I lose all my weight”.  That’s all well and good because you are physically unable to get in them and will not cause stomachs to turn. Unfortunately, gym gear is often elasticised meaning that you can get a size 20 into a size 10. Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should! Try writing your weight and measurements down. As you see progression, then by all means down size. If the numbers aren’t shrinking then do not even think about it.

Men will find you attractive when your gym gear shapes to your body, not through it.

-       A boiler should never be stoked in the gym

You know a boiler? The big ball of fat that hangs off a bloke’s stomach just below his chest. Just as women should dress appropriately, so too should men. Unfortunately, men seem a little less aware of themselves in the gym environment. Almost like “I’ve done 3 bicep curls, my muscles feel tighter, I should be showing them off”. Uh yeah fellas, it doesn’t work like that, instead of looking overweight and out of shape, now you look sweaty overweight and out of shape as well as giving off the distinct impression that you may have a myocardial infarction at any moment.

No woman is interested in a man who looks like he could have a massive coronary at any moment. If you’re new to the gym or have some unwanted podge, dress a little more conservatively to try to mask it. Once again, when the numbers start to go down, then by all means bust out your lycra.

On that note:

-       - Lycra shorts should be worn under real shorts, not on their own

No one wants to see your little pecker pushing through and sweat stains around your ball bag. The only time you should wear lycra shorts sans real shorts is if you are riding a bike and realistically only Lance Armstrong or Cadel Evans pulls it off well. Too many times since Chuck started taking notes has he seen dudes in the skin tight shorts parading around the gym like they are Greek gods. Unfortunately, about the only thing they have in common is the tiny knobs they often have in stone statues.

Once in Chuck’s youth, he was working an office job like an average joe when a skinny, longhaired dude walked into the office. He was wearing skintight denim on denim (jeans and denim jacket) a black AC/DC t-shirt and desert boots. He removed his fake aviator sunglasses and said “g’day, I’m Snake” and then proceeded to stand with his hands on his hips and his legs slightly spread. Chuck went on with his work while one of the other office workers attended to Snake. After he left, the office worker, Cathy, scurried over to Chuck’s desk with her cheeks flushed red. Chuck immediately asked what was wrong and Cathy let out a huge sigh and said, “did you see what Snake had in his jeans?”

Now please remember, Chuck was only a young tacker then and was not wise to the world like he is now. Chuck had not surveyed his surroundings and assessed his competition properly (you always want to know what you are playing against after all!). The following week, Snake stopped in again wearing exactly the same outfit, he pulled off the aviators and assumed the same pose. This time Chuck was ready.  After greeting Snake, Chuck subtly cast his eyes over Snake’s jeans and almost fell off his ergonomic chair when he saw what sort of heat Snake was packing.  Inside Snake’s skintight denim was for all intents and purposes his very own trouser python. The thing was strapped to his fucking thigh it was so long and robust. The head of it was like a baby holding an apple!

What’s the point to that tale? 1) Never enter a cock-off (a random showdown between two blokes in a pub where they drop their pants to see who has the biggest dick) against a bloke named Snake and 2) if you’re hung like Snake, you can wear lycra shorts and nothing else to the gym.

-       - Conceal your breakfast

Ladies, it’s never a good idea to wear shorts so revealing that the male gym members know that you’re of Brazilian descent without first buying you a drink and loosening you up. The only men who should see your minge non-romantically are your gynaecologist and the gay bloke who waxes your chops. That’s it.  While it makes for better viewing than watching early WWF wrestling television shows on the monitors, it probably isn’t sending the best message to the rest of the gym population. Sure, you’ll find plenty of blokes who’ll gladly pound you but not too many keen to take you home to mum, unless she runs a brothel.

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