Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Great Expectations

As we all know Christmas Day is anxiously looming upon us. Well maybe not so much the day but more so pressure of buying the right gift for the one we hold the nearest and dearest to our hearts… or farts.

Being woman of the world and the bearer of many fabulous gifts from her numerous lovers over the years she can still not tell you the right gift to buy for your partner but she can offer you the right advice when selecting your gift for that someone special.

The other night I was enjoying a bbq at my cousin Richard’s. Now Cousin Dick is 32, good looking, intelligent most days and has the right assets behind him however last year for Christmas he bought his girlfriend a boogie board and naturally it didn’t go down too well.

"When choosing the present I thought it was a great idea since we were going to Bali however when I gave it to her it didn’t go down too well. So this year I don’t want to get it wrong, do you have any suggestions for me?" asked Cousin Dick.

After listening intently Madame Boodwah made herself comfortable on the banana chair while taking a sip from her Pimms and dry (her drink of choice for the summer) by the pool as Cousin Dick turned his Germanic sausage on the barbie.

"Firstly I think we should start from the basics. Men are from mars and women are from venus in simpler terms you have a penis and she has a vagina. How more different could you be?" stated Madame Boodwah before going into a tale where she lived and breathed it.

When Madame Boodwah was a teenage girl she had a boyfriend named Bob (yes the men Madame Boodwah dated weren’t that exotic back then) who just didn’t get it. Christmas was coming up and I was dropping hints left right and centre but do you think he picked up on it? No. He kept saying ‘You’re really going to love it. It’s quite creative, it’s your sort of thing.’

On the morning of Christmas Day he came round to give me the present. He walked into the house with a big box. The Boodwah’s were sitting in the living room exchanging and unwrapping gifts when finally Bob gave me his present. After unwrapping the package a Purple Lava Lamp from Thingz was revealed. Needless to say Madame Boodwah was horrified and murmured ‘gee, cool, thanks' while trying to act pleased.

'You can put that put that right next to your bong’ Brother Boodwah joked. 
Where was the nice bracelet, earrings or necklace???? Where was the present that told me I was the centre of his universe and how special I was to him? Where was the present that told me he knew and understood who I was? But then maybe he knew exactly who I was and I was completely disillusioned about myself. Either way whatever the truth was it hurt. The tears were welling up in my eyes as I looked to Nana Boodwah ‘Nana I’m not a freak am I?’ she wrapped me in a warm embrace ‘There, there darling. Lava Lamps are great, Papa Boodwah and I have one in our sex dungeon.’ It was in that moment Bob realised he was never going to be a Boodwah and I started to wail.

Upon reflection to that day 15 years ago Madame Boodwah has acknowledged that he did put some effort into that present but were on completely different pages as she was a romantic and was expecting something sentimental so was severely disappointed. Romance is part of Madame Boodwah’s DNA after all.

“So dear Cousin Dick when buying a Christmas present this year for your beloved have a good think about who she is as person, what’s important to her, what she is interested in and with a touch of romance somehow magically turn that into a present but remember it’s all about her. It’s also probably a good idea to run it past her best friends.” Said Madame Boodwah.

‘What’s in it for me?’ asked Cousin Dick

‘An increased rate of BJ’s per week.’ Replied Madame Boodwah

Before writing this post Madame Boodwah asked her inner circle of friend/s about this subject and what was the worst present they had ever received or given a partner Christmas Day;

1. Snorkelling Gear

2. A bottle of Jim Beam

3. A wallet after her partner gave her a very expensive gold bangle

4. Sex toys in front of her family

5. A voucher for a Brazilian downstairs

6. Make-up

7. An iron

8. A stolen necklace

9. Battle Axes

10. Nothing

So dear readers what’s the worst present you have ever received or given a loved one?


  1. - a set of bocce balls
    - a milkshake maker (still have it 8 years later, has never been removed from the box)

  2. I kid you not, I know a bloke who gave his partner a shower cap...

  3. Big, puffy, Gorilla slippers.