Friday, December 4, 2009

Rotisserie Spit

Dear Chuck,

I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months and things seem to be going really well – we have a good dynamic and I find him really hot. Sexually I couldn’t be happier, everything works very well and he is a nice amount of adventurous and likes to please me. The problem is, of late, he’s started dropping hints and alluding to the fact he would like to try a threesome… with another girl. I don’t really understand because I thought our sex was spicy enough, is he tiring of me already? And if I go down this path will it just open the floodgates to more and more. Should I give in or should I move on?

Please help,

N. Otkeenforthree

Dear N,

All that email needed was a line saying how the boyfriend assured you that doing this would take the relationship to another level to have achieved full “Wank” status. Jesus, some blokes just have to push the envelope don’t they? Chuck nearly fell off his ergonomic chair when you said that he wanted another woman involved in the threesome – in fact, the whole thing might be a bit more palatable if he said he wanted to throw you on the spit with another bloke, just so it didn’t look like it was just all about him.

Look, right off the bat, Chuck’s advice would be to say no. You don’t disclose your age here, but your email reads as if you are south of 30. If you are young and have only been dating for 6 months, things are probably not secure enough up there in your coconut for this sort of activity. Chuck can assure you that if you slide another woman between the sheets with you and your bloke you will fracture your relationship. Jealousy and insecurity are powerful emotions and have broken many strong bonds. Imagine if your boyfriend makes mention of this woman again in the future – has he been thinking about her more than you? Imagine if you walk into the bedroom one night and he is tearing the head off it. Was he thinking about you or her? Save yourself the trouble and pass.

You shouldn’t worry about him being bored of you. You have to remember, he is a bloke and he will try to stretch the boundaries wherever possible. If he floats the threesome idea now and you aren’t so keen, at least the seed is planted and he can continue to tend to that until it blossoms. Plus if he can pull that off now, he can always go back to that well because you’ve opened the floodgates.

(Jesus, Chuck is a metaphor cornucopia this week!)

Ok, as per usual, Chuck knows that you probably read all that good advice and are still sitting there thinking “yeah but my boyfriend is different”. First off, no he isn’t, secondly let Chuck present a few other key thoughts:

  • Righto, the first thing that Chuck wants you to do if you are still conflicted is to say to your boyfriend, “Honey I have been thinking about a threesome myself for the last couple of months”. Watch his eyes light up. Then, Chuck wants you to say “The thought of you and another man man-handling me is so appealing, I cant wait to have 2 cocks to play with and the thought of you kissing another man is SO appealing”. Then set your stopwatch and time how long it takes him to recoil in disgust and horror and call you a filthy whore. You see young lady, what is good for the goose is far from good for the gander in this instance. You can retort that it will strengthen your relationship, but Chuck guarantees that it will do no good.

And that is the exact moment when you know your boyfriend is a selfish prick who was really just  interested in throwing his penis into another woman.

  • Another thing to consider if you go into this is that you may actually enjoy the experience. Being intimate with your boyfriend with a third party involved may open up a world of possibility for you and take you to places that you have never been before sexually. On the other hand, you may end up one of those people attending neighborhood swinger’s parties when you are 55, always looking for something different – which becomes a little tougher when your tits droop to your knees.
  • If you go kinky 6 months in, what’s next on the agenda? Adding a fourth person to the mix? Setting up an S&M dungeon in your back shed? Dogging? Dressing up like a priest and nun? There’s no holds barred once you’ve gone the threesome route (pun intended) and your boyfriend can toss anything out there now that you have to give consideration. The depravity can just escalate until you find yourself and your boyfriend kidnapping hitchhikers and keeping them stashed in a make shift tent where you use them for sexual role playing games (for many German tourist this would be the greatest holiday of them all!).

  • This is effectively approved cheating. If he asked to plough this chick without you there, would you allow him?
  • You are getting naked with another woman, which will immediately heighten all of your feelings of self-doubt. Does she have better thighs? Are her boobs nicer? Does she have a tighter poontang? Does she excite your boyfriend more than you? Do you really want to have to deal with all that?
  • How is this woman going to be selected? Will your boyfriend put an ad in the community news or did he have someone in mind? This is a big deal. You can’t just rope your best friend in because it creates baggage between the three of you. Then again, do you want to fuck around with some street urchin that your bloke found wandering the streets? And imagine if your boyfriend wheeled in some chick that he knew. You’d always wonder how far he’d been with her in the past and will go in the future. Logistical nightmare.

The one truly good thing about this whole exercise is that you are now armed with the ultimate breakup tool. When things inevitably go pear shaped after this experience and your boyfriend starts pulling some of the above mentioned stunts, you can drop the line “Look, I realized that I was more attracted to the woman than you and that she pleasured me in ways that you will never be able to”. Pretty tough to rebound from being told that you were so lousy that someone had to change teams!

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