Friday, November 27, 2009

From the hunted to the hunter

Dear Chuck,

A very good friend is getting married and I just received my invitation to her wedding. It’s been addressed to Jenny plus partner. WTF?? She’s knows I’m single, now I’m wondering if I should try to find some random to take with me. What would Chuck do?


Ahh, the dreaded “Jenny plus partner” invitation. You get these sorts of invitations for several reasons:

You are a strumpet and change men like you change underwear. You friend can’t keep track of your male comings and goings and has covered her bases by throwing you a generic partner invite so as not to embarrass you or her.

You are a loser and perpetually single. The ‘partner’ is designed to fill you with hope that your friends think that you can get there in the relationship stakes.

You’re a train wreck (see and your friend’s fiancé/new husband doesn’t want you near his mates. Hopefully you bring your own sausage to keep everyone safe.

Your friend knows that there will be no eligible bachelors there and is helping you avoid dancing with another woman, sitting forlornly on your own during the slow dances or getting stuck dancing with an alcoholic uncle who thinks he has a chance with you.

You can choose to look at the above, see the negatives and immediately place an ad in the local community newspaper looking for a bloke with a pulse OR you can turn to your old pal Chuck Long and find enlightenment. No one wants to go solo all night, but Chuck is imploring you to throw caution to the wind and go it alone!

Here’s why

There is a common understanding amongst men that a wedding presents a fertile hunting ground for toey poontang. Women go to a wedding, get all misty eyed as one of their mates gets hitched and start to lament their own lack of matrimonial success. They then immediately look to resolve the issue, preferably by latching onto a bloke that night when their emotional guard is down (the woman that is). Single women at weddings are like those giant schools of mackerel you see on National Geographic. The men act like sharks, herding them together and then simply swimming through the middle taking their fill until they are satiated.

You know what ladies? Chuck believes that you can turn this on its head and go man shopping yourself! Now Chuck knows that many of you would be choking on your skinny double decaf latte reading this proclamation, but please allow Chuck to elaborate.

Most of the loyal readers would be familiar with Chucks ‘Certain Amount of Outlay’ Theory. ( Basically, you want to position yourself in places where guys have to invest some element of time, effort or capital because it generally shows a level of commitment and eligibility. Well a wedding requires all of these factors, plus you have the rarely available opportunity to reference any dude that you may be interested in because either the bride or groom will know him. It doesn’t get any better than that in terms of fertile hunting.

Let Chuck quickly illustrate the point. Say your radar locks onto an attractive and well-put together blonde guy across the room. You make eye contact, perhaps converse and even flirt a little. Turns out he is an old uni mate of the groom. You sidle up to the bride as she makes small talk with some old relic of an aunt and whisper in her ear “oi, 2 o’clock over there, blonde guy nice tan – what’s the drum?” She looks up and says “errr, dirty sleaze bag with a nasty case of genital warts.”

And you can now end all interaction with this guy before you even put yourself in the situation of pulling his trousers down in the reception centre garden and seeing the gnarly warts up close and personal with your own eyes.

Aside from getting real time reference checks, there are additional benefits to manhunting at weddings:

Knowing who is and who isn’t available will allow you to avoid screaming catfights with enraged wives whose husband you have been inadvertently hitting on for the last 30 minutes

You can check out how the bloke scrubs up. How a man dresses for a formal occasion is a massive insight to their personality and psyche. This is obviously not going to work if your friend or her husband is a dirty hippie and the dress code for the wedding is ‘hemp’. Anyway, if the guy knows how to wear a suit – well cut, colour schemes matching, polished shoes – then he is likely to be well to do and sophisticated (he could also be a philandering grease ball). If he looks like he spent 80 bones on the suit or if it is made of polyester then he is either a tightarse, has no class or is homeless.

Weddings are fantastic opportunities to evaluate how men behave in alcohol soaked situations. There are plenty of blokes out there who are the perfect gentleman until they mix in a few wines and then morph into something that pisses into pot plants. The same principle applies to aggression. You’ll quickly learn the blokes who can handle the grog and those that possess the ‘rage’. The rage leads blokes to argue with wait staff over the frequency of service at a wedding with free booze or get in a punch up over the garter. It’s a great opportunity to find out if potential love interest has the rage in a social setting where others can jump to your defence if he tries to break a glass over your face.

How they dance will be on prominent display very early in the piece. The guy who gets up and carves up the dance floor with style and grace is obviously confident, athletic, stylish and more than likely gay. On the other hand, the blokes who shuffle from side to side at least recognise their shortcomings and are willing to try. If they can’t coordinate the shuffle, they may be retarded so avoid these guys. The danger guy is the bloke who refuses to dance – especially if he is single. He is also likely to be the dude who won’t eat green vegetables because he hated them when he was 5 and hasn’t tried since. Socially maladjusted.

Believe it or not and despite their protestations, most men would walk out of a wedding with sentimental feelings of their own (if they are successfully married) or a dream to have one of their own (if they are 30+ and single). You’ll always get a few bitter pills who have been divorced or who had ex’s who tried to sever their penis while they slept. You just avoid these guys.

The key for you Jenny is to go from hunted to the hunter Stop being the mackerel and start being the shark. Do you homework, have a strategy and a checklist. Then sneak up from behind and sink your teeth in to the fattest and juiciest one you can find!


  1. Jenny. Don't complain that your friend invited you plus one. It could be worse. I once had an invitation from a friend to a wedding NOT inviting my partner of three years & the father of my unborn child. I'm not joking. Plus this also means she's paying for a meal/drinks for someone she doesn't even know. Enjoy it, I say & quit your complainin' woman.

  2. I agree anonymous. I went to a wedding a couple of months back as a single gal and I felt like a social retard not having anyone to dance with after the Bridal Waltz. 4 of us girls were left sitting at the table by ourselves while the whole wedding got up and danced. Eventually one did try and have a crack but he smelt like an ashtray and a guy I did have a connection with was with someone else.