Thursday, November 19, 2009

Excess Baggage (Part 2)

Continued from

The group started to straggle back into the room as Chuck wheeled the white board over to the semi circle of chairs. Ladies, please take a seat and let’s get started again,” said Chuck.

The women settled into place in anticipation for what Chuck had in store.

“Ok, so we’ve discussed the biggest issue in dating a bloke with a kid or kids – the mother of the child. The next pain in the arse is the kid itself,” warned Chuck.

One of the ladies let out a gasp at Chuck’s statement.

Chuck pressed on, “Look, it’s not so much the kid itself. Granted, if the little fucker is a good-natured beast life can be easier, but the mere presence of a child causes problems. Each and every one of you is childless, so you’ve never had to share. All of a sudden, you meet a bloke and in a perfect world you’d be the centre of his universe. He’d be going out of his way to wine and dine you. As soon as you throw in his spawn, you are competing for his attention. In this instance unfortunately, blood is thicker than water and if he is dialled into his kid, he will punt you in a heart beat to attend to the child”.

The group gave a collective Oprah like “mmmm hmmmm”

Chuck let his last message settle before continuing, “In the early days of a relationship, you are out to impress and assess – I & A.......... Write that down!”

The ladies scrambled for their notebooks and jotted furiously.

As the ladies scribbled, Chuck pressed on, “It is very difficult to both assess and impress if you are constantly battling for attention with a child. You can’t get his full attention and your effort to show him what a top shelf item you are is often dampened by the kid complaining of being hungry or stinking of a soiled nappy. The absolute worse case scenario of course is running into a guy with teenage kids.”

A lady in the group named Rhonda* looked up from her notes inquisitively. Noting the look, Chuck barrelled on -

* Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Yeah, teenage. Think about when you were 13-17 years old. How much of a fucking nightmare were you for your folks who may or may not have gotten along like a house on fire? Now think about how you would be if your dad was running his cock through some other tart that wasn’t your mother.”

At this comment many of the women sniggered. Chuck knew that his point had been delivered.

“Teenage kids are an absolute thorn in your side. They will slaughter any chance you have with their father. About your only way of penetrating their orbit is to author a popular book on vampires,” concluded Chuck.

The group laughed somewhat uncomfortably.

Chuck cleared his throat and continued, “The last major issue surrounding dating a bloke with kids is his family or his ex partner’s family. They are like in-laws except they are 3 times as bad because you are either not as good as the kid’s mother (his folks may think that, the kids other grandparents will definitely think that – unless their daughter was a heroin junkie). Worse yet, if the mother of the child is an A1 disaster, they will be even harder on you to make sure that their son or father of their grandchildren doesn’t make the same mistake again. You are screwed whichever way you turn”

The in-law statement sucked the life out of the room and Chuck knew that he needed to brighten the mood.

Slapping his hand on the white board and adjusting his tone to a richer baritone Chuck went on, “Right, Chuck has highlighted the downside to dating a bloke with kids, but as the Y chromosome pool seems to be ever shrinking, there are going to be inevitable situations where you, as gorgeous, successful and available women have to swim in that sea”

This seemed to lift the spirits of the class.

“Ok, so what Chuck is going to do now is set some parameters that may help you in your dating journey. These are not steadfast rules. Think of them as guides to help in your decision-making process.”

Chuck turned to the white board and began drawing a triangle with various numbers and lines inside it. After 3 minutes Chuck straightened up, wiped his brow with the back of his hand, studied his work and then suddenly swivelled to face the group.

“Ladies, I give you Chuck’s Pyramid of Pussy Possibility,” said Chuck proudly while pointing at his creation.

Clearly baffled, Rhonda looked at Chuck and said, “What?”

“Pyramid of Pussy Possibility” boomed Chuck convincingly.

The secrets of the Pyramid will be revealed on Monday

No comments:

Post a Comment