Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Naming of the Shrew

As loyal Reality Bytes readers will know, Mrs Long is currently ‘with child’ which has opened up a new world of thinking, responsibility and activity that Chuck had no idea previously existed. People are always talking about having 5 year plans and wishy washy bullshit things like that but all of a sudden that sort of forward planning seems prudent.  Deals like 6 business shirts for $300 that used to get the juices flowing and the wallet buzzing like no other now don’t even appear on the radar. Oh yeah and helping Mrs Long put her shoes on because she can’t reach her laces any more was not something that Chuck ever imagined having to do.

Don’t get Chuck wrong, this isn’t a complaint. Some of theses experiences have been incredibly eye opening and will likely change the way Chuck goes about his business. Other occurrences have proven to be real motivators, for example should Chuck ever wonder what it would be like to have a legitimately huge beer gut, the struggles that Mrs Long has had getting up slight inclines or rolling over in bed have been enough to quell any thoughts on the topic.

The most daunting thing about the imminent arrival of your progeny is the foreboding sense of responsibility that comes along with it. Now, Chuck is squarely putting himself in with the vast majority of the population who sit in the ‘normal’ range, meaning that they actually care about their offspring and feel the need to take care of them. For parents who sit outside of this group, the following post may be a bit of a waste of your time and Chuck would encourage you to look up his post on taking a crap and read that for the next 20 minutes. If you’re not sure where you sit, let Chuck help you. If you’ve done anything on the following list you’re a fairly shitty parent: 
  • Left your child in the car while you’ve raced inside an RSL or casino to have a quick gamble
  • Taken your child with you to buy methamphetamines
  • Your child’s first experience with solids was a baby bottle filled with Coke
  • You smoke while driving with the windows up
  • You discipline your child by lowering it into a well and feeding it food scraps for 2 days
  • You removed your child from school at 12 so that it could contribute to the family’s wellbeing by earning a wage working at a local rubber manufacturing plant
  • You’ve locked one of your children in a claustrophobic basement and repeatedly impregnated her.

Do you get the gist or must Chuck go on?

Chuck isn’t sitting at home at night stressing himself thin over the child’s future but has definitely considered the multitude of responsibilities that come with a baby. Before you click off the page in an attempt to avoid Chuck going on an emotional journey, it’s probably time to reveal the purpose of today’s post- the ultimate responsibility of the parent.
Well the ultimate responsibility is keeping the little tacker alive first and foremost, so perhaps Chuck should readjust the topic to – the first responsibility. And what is the first responsibility? Naming the sucker!

Do you know how much responsibility is involved in this process alone? One false step and the poor kid is stuck with a moniker that could bring them endless amounts of pain and discomfort for the vast majority of their developmental age.

At first Chuck thought the whole process would be easy – especially if it was a boy. Call it Chuck. Upon reflection however, Chuck realised that naming a son after oneself is somewhat narcissistic and arrogant and those of you who’ve read Chuck over the last year and have gotten to know him intimately will attest– that just isn’t a fair representation. So with the name Chuck no longer an option, it came down to people that Chuck respects or admires. After diligently working through a range of people, influences and heroes, here is a combination of names that washed out:


Ok, so they are the members of Pearl Jam and Mrs Long is way too smart to slip any of those by her.

Seriously though, can’t any of the people Chuck respects have cool names?

Figuring out the name for a boy has been a freaking nightmare quite frankly. Either they are old fashioned names (like Jack) that are making a return and will eventually be ridiculed again like they were previously or they are bastardised versions of other names like Riley / Rilee / Rieley etc. The future for young males is pretty much fucked.

Female options on the other hand have been a relatively easy process. Unfortunately after Chuck had written down all of his preferred options, Mrs Long helpfully pointed out that every selection was actually a boy’s name (Charlie, Billie, Kennedy, Jordan*). Why couldn’t it be that easy for the fucking boy?

* Please note, these are not the actual names that Chuck came up with, there hasn’t been an opportunity to copyright them yet and Chuck doesn’t want others to profit from his awesome creativity. 

Girl names do allow for a bit more creativity although Chuck is adhering to 3 principles that he has held dear for some time now:
  1. Do not EVER make up a name. Renesmey is just plain stupid.
  2. Before you name your daughter, crank up 50 Cents ‘Ayo Technology’, put on your best DJ voice and say “tonight, for your pleasure, gentlemen, give it up for…………” If it sounds remotely comfortable in that sentence, pass immediately for fear of giving your baby girl a stripper’s name.
  3. Clare is a fat girl’s name – the Breakfast Club says so! 

Those 3 principles have benefitted Chuck no end; especially number 2, which helped eliminate one of Chuck’s favourites – Kourtnee Kummz from his list.

The run home to delivery day is going to be fraught with decisions and actions that will help to shape the babies life but none more so that coming up with something to call it. Chuck’ll whittle his days away Googling things like “popular boys names in Ireland in 2008/2009” or “top 10 pole dancer names” or “the deeper meaning of names” or “popular Wiccan names” or “biggest bogan names” or “easiest names to ridicule”. It’s going to be a long 8 weeks until delivery, perhaps the comments section could sprout something useful?


  1. too busy laughing - off the top of my head 'Bella'? (circa 2010)

  2. try dave or jack....might slide them by here

  3. Chuck totally forgot a suggestion submitted by a friend:

    the name is Ten, however it is spelled "X"

    Totally unique, a twist to the spelling, unisex and has an asian / roman fusion to it

    top that

  4. Omega for a Girl spelt Ω

  5. Whatever it is, it should be easy to spell!

  6. Only current members of Pearl Jam were considered Chuck's afraid