Sunday, May 30, 2010

Tattooed Dragon Girl Playing Kick with Fire Hornets

Before Chuck launches into today’s question, it’s probably prudent to follow up on last week’s post that centered on Walter, who was seeking advice on whether or not he should take a crack at his older out-of-town female division manager, since he was about to finish up in his job. There have been a couple of emails into the Reality Bytes inbox inquiring about the outcome, so Chuck fired an email off to his young protégé to find out what went down.

Here’s Walter’s response:


Your email had me all sparked up! I made sure that I dressed super suave, threw on the panty loosening after shave and rehearsed what I was going to say and when.

Just after lunch I was at my workstation when my division manager walked up to me and started to chat, asking how I was doing, where I was going and generally being really nice.

Needless to say I completely went to water and couldn’t pull the trigger. I was too embarrassed to try.

I have replayed the interaction over in my head and I reckon I had a shot.

F*ck me


Our boy Walter with a bad case of “Fear of Failure”. Chuck’ll be sure to have a post on that very topic in the coming weeks.

Anyway, on to today’s question:

Dear Chuck,

Being a man of the world (self proclaimed), I’m sure you’ve read Stieg Larsson’s trilogy – Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest, Girl who played with Fire.  They’re immensely popular books and I’d like to hear your thoughts on them.



Bobbi, yes Chuck has taken the time to read all 115,000 pages of Larsson’s epic trilogy and definitely has some thoughts on his work. For those of you unawares, Steig Larsson was a Swedish journo and writer who cranked out a Millenium Trio (the three aforementioned books) in his spare time. He only got around to finding a publisher in 2004, but before the books hit the shelves he died of a massive heart attack. The books were eventually published and went on to sell 27 million copies in over 40 countries – not too dusty.

More interestingly due to his reporting on extremist groups Larsson never married his long term partner, because under Swedish law married couples have to make their addresses publicly available meaning that the loony bins he wrote about would be able to track him down. This is interesting because it meant that his inheritance didn’t go to his partner but to his father and brother (who, it was rumoured, he wasn’t close to). They have subsequently squeezed his partner out of any royalties, which obviously sucks balls since she had to put up with him cracking boners over computer nerd emo chicks.

Anytime a guy can spit out 3 sizeable, interconnected novels (and reportedly had ¾ of a 4th and the framework for 5 & 6), you have to tip your hat. Chuck isn’t going to sit here and criticise Larsson’s literary chops, nor is a detailed plot analysis going to take place (since some readers may not have indulged as yet). What Chuck will say is that the books are an entertaining read that will chew up plenty of your time, (due to the length) and hold your attention.

So what is Chuck going to talk about?

The one legitimate turd in the punchbowl that continually occurs throughout all 3 books. What’s the turd you ask?

Spoiler Alert

The fact that the lead male character – Mikael Blomkvist pulls so much pussy and so easily.

This is how it typically works for Blomkvist: He meets a female character, has a fleeting interaction, meets up again, spends more time with her and engages in a detailed conversation, then puts her through the bed springs, maintains  a casual sexual relationship for a period of time, finds a new female to pork or goes back to regular fuck buddy(who happens to be married).

Seriously, he pulls more flange than John Mayer and for the most part it’s A1 premium Kobe beef!

No man gets laid that easily unless he’s a movie star or superstar athlete. Those guys get women for being those guys – well known and wealthy (and in some cases attractive – Shane Warne clearly demonstrates that looks are not always on top of the list). We’ve all heard of women throwing themselves at these people and this can be the only instance where a dude gets snatch that easy. No work required.

For some guys there may be instances where the stars align and they find themselves with a woman who gets a little frisky, takes a shine and the next thing they know they’re nut deep. Yes, it does happen, Chuck’s just saying that it DOES NOT happen at the rate at which is seems to happen for Blomkvist. Even guys with absolutely magnetic and winning personalities do not get quality ongoing minge like Bloomkvist does. Other factors that lead the whole situation to be unbelievable is that he is a journalist (name one good looking male journalist?), he is only a minor celebrity and he isn’t wealthy.

In fact, Blomkvist’s ability to bed women got so ridiculous that Chuck started to get somewhat distracted by it. Almost every female character that got introduced into the trilogy ended up at the end of Blomkvist’s meat sword. As soon as a woman was mentioned Chuck started to try to figure out how he was going to feed it to her.

It was just totally unbelievable although Chuck could be grossly underestimating how they roll in Sweden. Perhaps all Swedish men are straight out pimps although after a cursory search revealing names like Dolph Lundgren, Alfred Nobel, the dudes from ABBA, Stefan Edberg and Mats Wilander Chuck doubts it.

About the only explanation Chuck can think of for the ease at which Blomkvist gets his end away is that Larsson was living vicariously through him! Think about it, overweight journalist tapping away at a novel every night with a long-term partner – he was trying to spice things up for himself! Unfortunately the thought of all that rumpy pumpy with emaciated, socially retarded emo chicks caused his heart to explode and he wasn’t able to cash in on his own wank fantasies.

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