Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Ball Hawk

Chuck Long is going through an interesting phase in life ladies and gentlemen. This is going to surprise a lot of loyal readers who regularly tune in to Reality Bytes for strength and reason in turbulent times, but Chuck is afraid he needs to admit that the old axis is causing things to spin a little wonky at the moment. Of course when things get tough, Chuck rolls up his sleeves, evaluates his testicular fortitude and gets down to business.

So what has caused this latest seismic shift? Finding activities that Mrs Long can partake in at this late stage of her pregnancy. Chuck knows many of you will be glancing up to the title and assuming that Chuck has Mrs Long dive bombing his plums like a bird of prey (and now that Chuck’s typed that it sounds like an awesome idea), but alas, swinging off Chucks nuts is not the only thing Mrs Long has found to entertain herself.

Being saddled with an active partner pre-pregnancy is enough of a challenge as they have a tendency to need to be in perpetual motion. Mrs Long’s affection for activity is headlined by her passion for climbing hills. Chuck often joked that her idea of a great time was finding the biggest hill she could and climbing it. There are two advantages to this mentality 1) she tends to be highly motivated and energetic & 2) she isn’t morbidly obese.

So the challenge in the Long household is finding activities that a once athletic and active woman can undertake now that she is severely up the duff. Hill climbing is well and truly out the window (thank fuck!) now that Mrs Long’s heart rate explodes getting out of bed and she has bouts of breathlessness while sitting at her computer at work.

Once a normal woman gets past about 32 weeks of pregnancy* they are packing anywhere from 1.75 to 2.5 kilos of womb parasite around with them plus the additional beef that comes with pregnancy. On top of that, their belly is now so big that they can no longer see their feet and turning usually requires a 3-point manoeuvre. Mrs Long has had a tough time getting her shoes on lately so anything too strenuous becomes a major problem.

*Male readers let Chuck fill you in on a little secret. Pregnancy is not 9 months. Its 40 weeks / 10 months which completely threw Chuck off the scent since all you ever hear people talking about is the 9 months of pregnancy. Don’t feel too dumb, almost every first time father Chuck has spoken too admits that they got slightly scrambled at some stage of the process trying to figure out when in fact the little sucker was coming.

So Chuck has come up with a couple of ideas for couples to try and then in true Chuck Long fashion - the ultimate activity for heavily pregnant women.

The movies – Chuck’s rationale here is that once you’ve had a kid you end up becoming one of those people you used to mock when they said ‘the last movie I saw was Star Wars…….the original one”. You’re not going to be heading to the flicks on a regular basis anymore (unless you become a total dick and take an infant with you that invariably starts wailing at some stage during the film). You may as well cram as many as you can in now. The downside? High probability that your woman will need to hit the toilet at least 5 times and the round trip will take 10 minutes in the dark.

Dinner – much like the movies, not really something you can do with a newborn child (unless of course you are the same dick who takes an infant to the movies). Chuck would advise men however that it is probably not the best idea to take your lady to a super upmarket restaurant and then indulge in a degustation menu with accompanying wine. This is basically torture to a woman who obviously can’t drink and has to be subjected to you feasting like a king. Additionally her stomach is getting so severely squeezed by the spawn that she can barely get any food in. Doing this is basically like rubbing the meal in her face. And yes, Chuck made this mistake…only once.

Sporting events – the pregnant lady can sit down, enjoy the spectacle and follow her favourite team. Ok, Chuck’s not kidding anyone, it’s just awesome to be able to have a few beers and then have a chauffeur for the ride home.

Baby shopping – yeah, we’re getting a little thin on ideas at this point but it can be a fun activity and definitely gets you thinking about the impending arrival. The downside to it is that you’re already thinking about how you’re kid will look in public before the little tacker is even born.

On a side note, Chuck was confronted with one of the more shocking things that he has ever seen on Monday. After attending birthing classes, couples were informed that sensible underwear was a smart move for the mother in the days /weeks after birth since they’ll likely be oozing blood and a fishing line g banger is probably not the most appropriate thing to be holding maternity pads in place. With that in mind, Chuck and Mrs Long set out to purchase some transition underwear (from post pregnancy to fully operational). The first thing that Chuck noticed was that there was not a great deal of options in the ‘full brief’ section and that most women under size 16 are not catered for in any way, shape of form.

When Mrs Long did stumble across a pack that fit her petite derrière, they were of the variety that features sides that are about 10 centimetres high. Seriously, who wears these monstrosities? Mrs Long put them on and immediately Chuck understood why elderly people struggle to get sex. They were fucking heinous!  Anyway, Chuck pledged then and there to do whatever he could to aid Mrs Long in a speedy recovery just so that those tents can be burned.

And finally the ultimate activity for heavily pregnant women?


Ok, stop rolling your eyeballs and hear Chuck out, he’s never steered you wrong to this point.

Chucks not suggesting the pregnant lady should play.

Look, blokes aren’t going to be hitting up the course too much in the coming weeks and months after birth so it gives them a chance to have a hit while life is less complicated. For the lady, you have the opportunity to take a leisurely stroll around what is usually a well-manicured garden, spending time with your partner, chatting away during the walk and mixing in some less than strenuous activity. Of course there are downsides to this activity, one being the possibility of being struck by a wayward golf ball and another being exposed to an ugly side of your partner when he misses a putt and launches his club across the green.

What Chuck found to be an additional upside recently? Well since Mrs Long is pregnant, she can pretty much get away with anything so as it was late in the day when Chuck and Mrs Long tried this shared activity, Chuck had Mrs Long pick up any stray golf balls she happened to stumble across. After 5 holes she was on an unbelievable pace (something about heightened maternity eyesight Chuck is guessing) and when questioned by a golfer who’s brand new ball she’d swiped, all she had to do was show some belly and offer “whoops, baby brain, I thought it was one my husband lost on the last hole”.

Not only did Chuck get quality time with the mother of his unborn child, but he ended up with quite the golf ball windfall. A true ball hawk indeed (although swinging off Chucks ball bag really would be better come to think of it).

1 comment:

  1. the long road to g-stringsJune 15, 2010 at 9:43 PM

    She can wear your underwear post delivery, Chuck! The height of comfort.