Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Moustache Ride


Hi Chuck,

My fiancé has decided to grow a beard. It looks terrible and feels horrible. I’m sure I’ve read comments by you disparaging facial hair. Could you expand on the topic and hopefully talk him out of it?

Thank you

Dessie


Dear Dessie,

There is a strong possibility that the reason Chuck is adverse to facial hair is the fact that he is cursed with bright orange hair follicles on his face. It would be one thing if Chuck’s head hair was bright orange - at least then there’d be some sort of facial symmetry. When your hair is dark and your facial hair resembles the colour of a Hazmat suit there is very little you can do on the face fleece front. Any growth just looks flat out stupid.  Perhaps if Chuck’s beard matched his rug he’d have a different take on beards, goatees, moustaches and fu manchu’s. Since it doesn’t, Chuck will exercise the right to eviscerate all forms of facial hair – yes jealousy is a vicious animal.

The topic of facial hair actually reminds Chuck of the worst pick up line he has ever witnessed in person. Sitting at a bar in the US, Chuck’s drinking companion spotted a little piece of crumpet across the room. He got fairly excited, gulped his beer, asked for a refill and then stated to Chuck “I’m going to ask her if she wants a moustache ride”. If this took place today, Chuck would look his buddy in the eye and say “That is the dumbest line ever” but this event took place in Chuck’s younger days and quite frankly he was intrigued to see how the crumpet would react. As a little background, the bar Chuck was in was called ‘Saddles and Spurs’ and was the sort of place that you ate peanuts and threw the shells on the floor… it didn’t exude class.

Anyway, Chuck’s buddy ambled up to the crumpet and delivered his line. Chuck braced for the sure fire face slap but was amazed when she smiled uncomfortably but then engaged in small talk and then a deep and meaningful. Chuck’s drinking companion strolled back 45 minutes later with her phone number and subsequently chopped her up a week later – the line obviously had merit. Interestingly enough, post coitus, Chuck’s buddy learned that this lovely little thing had actually sired 4 children to 4 different guys so perhaps rather than a line with merit, Chuck’s buddy just knew how to pick loose women!

Back to facial hair.

Over the last few years the beard has made a stunning return to fashion. Chuck’s not talking your Hagrid number, but a manicured covering of stubble that is no more than 5 millimetres long. Another interesting phenomenon is the line beard or the neck beard, most often popularised by overweight men who use it strategically to indicate they have a chin. Next time the Biggest Loser is on, pay attention to a few of the fatties and their facial hair. Chuck guarantees that at least one of them has a line beard that runs from their ears and across their jawbone. Typically a grossly overweight mans chin is lost as his neck fat swells. This cheeky use of facial hair is an attempt at cutting the fat and highlighting that there is a chin lurking under there somewhere, just waiting for its chance to get out. With the population continuing to grow outwards, you can expect a whole lot more of these bad boys on the streets.

Men will always get jack of shaving since it’s a total pain in the arse and then decide that they are going to grow some facial hair to avoid it. The vast majority of men start this quest and then realise that its itchy, women hate being near it and it looks stupid and they rapidly shave it off. Some guys stick with it and then feel naked without it. Chuck would recommend that you play the “it’s too itchy and I can’t kiss you anymore” card as soon as possible to encourage your fiancé to shave it off. Your other option is to grow out your body hair in solidarity. As soon as he sees your overgrown bush and hairy armpits, he’ll get the message and get out the razor blade.

If he does persist, despite you now looking like a tree hugging hippy with your koala ears and hirsute pins, then it’s important for Chuck to rank the various types of facial hair from stupid to completely stupid.

Stupid

Light beard

This is the beard that is well kept (no high cheek hair, no neck beard) and trimmed regularly to keep the facial hair short. The down sides are; A) its prickly, and you look like you put a lot of time into maintaining your facial hair.
Goatee

The goatee incorporates a moustache and links to a growth on the chin. If done properly, it looks very much like you have an addiction to huffing paint.  It is a useful tool for blokes who don’t have much of a chin.
Chin only Goatee

A tuft of facial hair on your chin only. Often used by dudes with a massive cleft in their chin (because a cleft doesn’t always look good and it is a nightmare to shave the hair inside of it)
Moderately stupid

Flavour saver aka soul patch

Kind of a waste of time piece of facial hair, a patch of hair just under your bottom lip that takes it name from the fact that if you provide cunnilingus you may end up with love juice on it. The downside? If you have one your chance of licking pussy is greatly diminished.
Line beard

Admittedly Chuck has been very hard on the old line beard but it does have it’s time and place. It actually looks quite good on black hip hop artists and maybe black athletes. It DOES NOT look good on any white person.
White Trash

Neck beard

The neck beard is just flat out feral. There is very little good about it and would itch like a motherfucker.
Fu Manchu

With fashion being a circular thing, it’s inevitable that the Asian inspired Fu Manchu will make some sort of return. With a moustache and then a downward line of hair on each side of the mouth giving the wearer the look of a true weirdo, it’s only a matter of time before all the kids are doing it.

Completely Stupid

Moustache

There is just no practical reason to have a moustache (unless it is Mo-vember and even then you look like a dick). The only people who look good with a moustache are paedophiles and dictators (ok, for some reason, blokes over 58 seem to be able to pull it off as well, and Tom Selleck). The downsides to a moustahce include; looking like a paedophile or a dictator, getting food and milk stuck in it and having dried snot on it. The advantages are that you don’t need to trim your nose hair.



Full beard

The only time you should ever have full beard is if you’re living under Taliban rule or you make a living creating survival documentaries. No woman enjoys a man with a big old bushy beard and they just look fucking stupid. Stop being lazy and trim the bastard back!
At the end of the day, your man is going to do what he wants to do, no matter how dumb he looks. It is a known fact that in the early stages of facial hair, guys look fairly decent (unless you’re Chuck and your beard glows in the dark!) Perhaps you could indulge him in the early days and then encourage him to experiment for a month or so (and then have everyone you know who sees him tell him how shit it looks). On the other hand, you could insist that for every day he persists with it, he owes you a full-fledged moustache ride. That’s a win for you right there! 

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