Sunday, July 18, 2010

Probing for more information

With the impending birth of a first child, Chuck has been vacillating over a couple of potential career paths. On one hand, Chuck was thinking about following his heart and chasing his interest in vaginas to become an obstetrician. On the other hand, the years of study and the annoying owners of the vaginas had Chuck thinking about creating a series of birthing videos that were a little on the racier side and featured significantly better looking (and well trimmed women). It’s rare that Chuck suffers from an inability to make a decision, but both career choices have their pro’s and con’s and quite frankly Chuck was stuck.

Stuck until last week.

What was the factor that tipped Chuck in a particular direction you ask?

Being in the same room while Mrs Long received an internal examination from her obstetrician in the lead up to childbirth.

This act in itself was enough to steer Chuck well and truly away from any job that involves vaginas and internal examinations (ok, Chuck’ll leave the door slightly ajar if the porn industry ever comes knocking). It’s strange but despite Mrs Long always feeling uncomfortable and nervous when it comes to her regular check ups, Chuck could never really empathize with her, assuming that it was ‘just another check up’. All that has now changed.

For the ladies who’ve had to endure all this before, let Chuck offer a male’s perspective.

Despite the obstetrician being a homely old man (and really well paid), its still another man looking up your wife’s clacker, which can be somewhat uncomfortable. To make matters worse, his checkup room is fucking tiny, especially with 3 people crammed into it. Chuck was jammed under the coat rack in the far corner (which gave Chuck the opportunity to peruse the brand of suit that the obstetrician was wearing – Zegna, good taste!).

There are always times in your life when you just know that you’re out of your league. You know what Chuck means, you get pulled into a meeting at work where you’re unfamiliar with the subject matter or the quality of grey matter in the room is simply higher than yours and you struggle to process what’s going on around you. In those instances your body hair stands on end and you get coated in that all over sheen of sweat that makes you feel like you’re swimming in your clothes.

This is how Chuck was feeling.

Words like ‘mucous plug’ and ‘cervix ripening’ had Chuck kicking himself that he hadn’t read the 16-19 pregnancy books that Mrs Long had devoured. This self angst was soon forgotten however when the good doctor reached for the 12 inch ear cleaners. Chuck recalled that Mrs Long has some of the best ear hygiene around so surely he wasn’t going to give her auditory canals a good clean out as part of the check up.

Mrs Long sensed what was coming and tensed up.  Chuck asked what the doctor was testing for and he responded, “strep C”. Once again, Chuck started to compute how a sore throat could affect a newborn until that train of thought was shattered by the doctor rearranging Mrs Long’s legs and moving in for the kill. Chuck was suddenly uncomfortable for his dear wife and instantly regretted every pap smear gag that had previously brought the house down in Chuck’s mind.

The Doctor was in and out in a matter of seconds, which was a relief for both involved parties and Chuck.

But it wasn’t over yet. The doctor slipped on a blue rubber glove like they wear in Masterchef and applied a healthy dose of a water-based lubricant. He was about to take the plunge. Mrs Long reapplied her steely gaze.

Yet again during this whole birthing process, another of Chuck’s preconceived notions was about to be deconstructed. The purpose of this digital insertion was to evaluate Mrs Long’s cervix and whether or not it was showing signs of childbirth commencing (the aforementioned ripening of the cervix).  Of course, since he was evaluating the cervix, Chuck assumed the doctor would’ve had his face buried as deeply as he could in order to get a good view of the internal workings. Much to Chuck’s surprise, the old obstetrician didn’t look once, merely using touch and his many years of experience to determine just how far along Mrs Long was in the whole process.

That shouldn’t come as a surprise, but to the vast majority of men, internal inspection means just that- having a good old look at the area in discussion. Why do you think the vast majority of men get all-squeamish at the thought of internal examinations? Sure, having a finger up your date is bad, but having a doctor staring at your hairy ring is worse!

Anyway, after the examination we all retired to the doctor’s office for cigarettes and small talk. Since Chuck and Mrs Long are handing over a crisp $100 every time we see this guy, (weekly at the moment) it’s important to at least stretch out the appointment as long as possible in order to get you’re money’s worth (some weeks it’s lasted a whole ten minutes). On this occasion Mrs Long inquired as to what she should bring to the hospital. Being a meticulous operator, Mrs Long had performed exhaustive research and polled numerous people on the appropriate amount of stuff to carry in. Chuck’s favourite piece of advice was to bring ‘bendy straws’ so that Mrs Long wouldn’t have to bend over so much if she wanted to have a drink. That one took the fucking cake for over thinking the entire process.

The good doctor thought about Mrs Long’s questions and replied that she should bring the bare minimum since she could send Chuck back and forth home as the need arose. Chuck Long, the pregnancy Sherpa. 
Although the whole procedure felt like it lasted for 7 hours, the entire experience was over in probably 2 minutes. Nonetheless Chuck has established a new family rule that no mockery will occur when internal examinations are on the cards. Chuck is fairly confident that he can abide by this rule but has his doubts about Mrs Long, especially in approximately 10 years time when Chuck’s prostrate becomes fair game!

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