Thursday, July 1, 2010

Looking through a crack

How many people do you meet in life who slog their way through the day in a job that they just can’t stand? Telltale signs that you’re in the company of one of these unfortunate souls is hearing lines like “I CANNOT wait for the weekend” (spoken on a Monday morning at 9.01am), excessive sick leave and a general air of despondency. Considering the vast majority of people spend at least 40 years of their life working, it’s a real shame that people are prepared to stick with something that they loathe.

And you know what? At times, Chuck Long has been one of these people. Chuck knows that many readers would have a hard time believing that. Seriously how could writing a totally awesome blog that tens of tens of people read on a daily basis AND has the ability to change lives be something that’s a grind? Well it isn’t. Unfortunately all the popularity and the help hasn’t quite parlayed into a multi million dollar pay check just yet (although Chuck has every cent of that million accounted for when it does!)

No, from time to time Chuck has been guilty of being one of those dudes who’s coasted along getting very little out of something that so much time is spent doing. To make matters worse, Mrs Long is one of the godforsaken people who is passionate about what she does and truly believes that every day is a blessing. Fucking bullshit that she gets to be like that.

Anyway, all that’s about to change since Chuck has just had a career epiphany. Don’t fret kind reader, Chuck wont be abandoning this outpost of hope as he pursues his dream. In fact, this new gig will more than likely provide so much material that Chuck may have to bring on an administrative assistant to carry some of the workload.

People are bound to wonder how a man in the prime of his life with so much going on stumbles across a new career path. Well this pregnancy of Mrs Long’s has been the driving factor in all reality.

So what will Chuck be doing for a crust in the very near future?


Chuck knows that not many would have been expecting that choice of job but after spending so much time around an obstetrician the decision has been very easy. Although probably not the best reason to radically change career paths, the simple truth is these people get paid a fucking boatload! Chuck is not one to be driven by money but after seeing Chuck and Mrs Long’s good doctor sting the family a hundred bucks for a 10 minute consultation, Chuck’s wheels starting spinning. About the only other gig making that sort of coin is a high priced call girl and unfortunately Chuck just doesn’t have the legs for it.

Seriously, it is no surprise that obstetricians roll in flash cars, own sweet boats and support expensive drug habits. They are freaking rolling in cash. and since it seems like everyone is pumping out a kid at the moment, all they need to do is sit back and rub their hands as more flows in.

So obviously the remuneration will be a massive bonus to Chuck as he gets to perform a job that he truly loves. Now you’re probably asking “how do you know that you’ll love it?” Well Chuck can tell you that one of his true passions in life is the vagina, so anytime you can get a job looking up clackers all day and get paid a small fortune to do so has to be your dream job right?

The VJ is perhaps God’s greatest creation (right after the creation of life and perhaps the sun) and while Chuck is not particularly religious, he does worship at that particular alter. Its an intriguing organ and what better way to spend your day than having your nose buried in …..all the facts and figures about it?

As Chuck has mentioned his new career path to trusted advisors, a few have asked why Chuck would want to be an obstetrician and have to deal with stressed out parents and babies when he could be a gynaecologist and work with straight up poontang? Interesting question. The upside to being a gynaecologist is that you don’t have the complications of 3rd parties – typically it’s just you, the woman and her va jay jay. The downside is that not many women are bringing in a perfectly healthy tuppy hole for a gyno to stare at. In most instances there is going to be some sort of problem that will require fixing. The only time you’re going to see a fully healthy vagina is when a pap smear is required and all the joy gets suck out of the room the minute you have to start probing around.

No for Chuck, obstetrician is the way to go. Sure you’ll run into difficulties from time to time but for the most part, your looking at fully operational fannies with the added bonus that you’re also bringing life into the world.

Obviously Chuck has done some research and with any job there is always a downside. Obstetricians actually come with a couple of downsides, including:

On call 24/7. Yep, it would seem that Mrs Long’s obstetrician is on call every moment of the year (which probably does justify the cost in a way). In a recent appointment Chuck was forced to ask the tough question, “when do you ever have a drink?” To which he responded that he really only ever has one glass. So it would be a great job for a recovering alcoholic since it would be a great excuse to never have a drink.

10 years studying. Chuck has thought about the fact that he has no medical qualification whatsoever and would require full training. This is easily managed by sending Mrs Long back to work immediately after child birth so Chuck can become a full time student / house dad. Chuck could parlay this into lofty government subsidies and use his newfound uni buddies as willing babysitters.

Dealing with stressed out and anxious parents. It would suck balls to have to deal with would- be parents (especially first time) each and every day. Chuck has cringed at some of the stupid questions he’s asked the obstetrician from time to time, so one can only imagine how Chuck would go putting up with it on a daily basis. Even the best vagina is easily spoiled by a pain in the arse soon-to-be-mother.

But you know what, if they are the downsides, then Chuck could easily deal with them. It’s obviously not all about making reams of cash, safely bringing children into the world and staring at snatch all day however. Chuck will also need to find the time to get good at golf, drive his boat and hang photos of the kids he’s delivered over the years. Tough gig!

(Did this whole post make Chuck seem creepy?)

1 comment:

  1. Creepy? Maybe delusional. I don't know, all that bodily fluid, pain, screaming, death stares mid-labour, not to mention the responsibility. I don't think obstetricians are compensated nearly enough. Of course it's all worth it when the little bundle of joy arrives safe and sound and everyone is happy. Can't put a price tag on that.