Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Nose to Nipple – words to live by

You may remember last week Chuck had a career epiphany. The time had come to push all of the cards into the middle of the table and go all in. Chuck was going to pursue a couple of his great passions – money and vaginas and become and obstetrician. After some more thought, a minimum of 8 years full time study is probably a bit much no matter how cheap the drinks are at the university tavern. Fortunately inspiration struck again today and Chuck has come up with another money making scheme that is sure to resonate and potentially reshape the pre-natal industry as we know it.

Chuck has decided that a drastic overhaul is required of all birthing and child rearing videos. Chuck came to this conclusion after sitting through a painful video on breastfeeding in which every single woman was the ugliest mother Chuck had ever seen with a complimentary set of mammaries that were equally repulsive. These women had big, bad, wiry hair and monstrous boobs that would put even the most naïve newborn off sucking on titties for life. Now before you launch a verbal assault on Chuck about how tough it is it to give birth and that no mother is concerned about how they look after 12 hours of labour, these videos featured mothers who’s babies were anywhere from 5 days to 4 months old. Are you trying to tell Chuck that they didn’t have access to a mirror before they volunteered to get their jugs out and get filmed?

When you couple these vids with the birthing movies that were shown at child birthing class where the ladies had the hairiest bushes on earth and heads to match it’s a wonder anyone even bothers to have a kid. Mind you, if you’re watching those videos you’re probably too far gone to turn back so the makers don’t have to produce a quality product because noone is boycotting them. This is where Chuck comes in! Chuck Long Productions is in the development stage of a range of birthing and child rearing videos featuring women who look like the vast majority of the population (rather than the Viking women currently starring in baby DVDs) and potentially skewed to really attractive. If the goal is to educate AND to get the male partner involved, why not kill two birds with one stone and have really really good-looking women be the stars of the flick. Are you telling Chuck you wouldn’t have blokes flocking to breastfeeding class if you got to see Heidi Klum get her norgs out as part of the breastfeeding process?

One upside of having the women in these movies look so dog ugly is that every woman in the audience feels better about themselves since it is fairly easy to determine that no matter how badly they may be struggling with the pregnancy, there is no way that they look as bad as these birds on the screen.

So that’s what Chuck is going to make his first million on. The downside is being able to afford Heidi’s appearance fee.

This inspiration came to Chuck as he was attending breast-feeding class. Chuck will admit that he was somewhat sceptical of attending a breast-feeding class, especially when you consider that the Long spawn is unlikely to ever be latching onto Chuck’s nipple. Mrs Long went to great lengths to assure Chuck that partners were encouraged to attend as it was an excellent forum for couples to learn about all aspects (and difficulties) of the early stages of breast-feeding.

Imagine Mrs Longs face as Chuck walked into a room full of 15 women…….and not a single other dude. Mrs Long magnanimously offered Chuck the option of leaving but Chuck is way too bright to leave (and risk the future wrath of Mrs Long when the spawn doesn’t want to suck on a titty and Chuck is as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse). Another upside to staying in the class was that Chuck vaulted to the top of husband of the year balloting and clearly made all of the women dislike their partners just a little more – it did help that Chuck was wearing a sharp suit.

Aside from the dreadful videos and boobs so ugly that Chuck was almost put off them for life (unfortunately none of the other class members got their juggernauts out so the ugly boobs Chuck is referencing belonged to the video participants), the class was actually fairly interesting. Did you know that babies held to their mother’s chest seem to be able to find their way to the nipple instinctively? Watching the video and seeing the infants technique to fumble down the boob until they found the nipple reminded Chuck of his attempts to find the nipple of his first girlfriend – a lot of pawing and groping. You really would expect more from a 25-year-old man wouldn’t you? The only difference was the speed, the infant found it in seconds!

Another key piece of information is that if the spawn doesn’t attach correctly, the act of breastfeeding can be very painful. The baby needs a great gob of titty in its mouth in order for the experience to work properly. The best way to get a mouthfull is by guiding the nose to the nipple. The lower jaw needs to hit off to the side of the nipple to ensure that the actual nipple gets lodged into the back of the baby’s mouth and it is less painful. The video showed a baby in slow motion, going in for the nipple kill. Chuck was waiting for its eyes to roll back like a great white shark before its bites into its prey.

The expression ‘nose to nipple’ is so awesome that Chuck is thinking about having it put on to the Long Family Crest.

Needless to say, Chuck did offer to go nose to nipple on Mrs Long but as you can imagine that went down like a lead fart. 

There seems to be some conjecture in the midwifery fraternity about ways to get the baby to suck and feed correctly. The instructor today was adamant that you shouldn’t blow on the babies face or stroke its head as even though that encourages it to suck, it can often disrupt the process. Another key piece of information is to apply pressure to the back of the baby as it sucks so that it is properly attached to the breast.

It was strongly suggested to avoid applying pressure to the back of the baby’s head while it sucks. Babies don’t like that and will often stop sucking. Interestingly enough, the same phenomenon occurs to grown women when they are sucking - no matter how well intended the pressure on the back of their head is, it is often enough to get them to completely stop sucking

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