Thursday, July 8, 2010

Delaying the Inevitable

G’day Chuck,

I’ve got a quick one I hope you can help me with, my girlfriend arrives back in the country in the next couple of days after a year away. How should I go about reigniting the passion – its been a long time after all?



There is nothing like the last minute cry for help from a young man saddled with a chronic case of the blue balls.  Fortunately for you, Chuck is not only a master of practical advice but also an artiste when it comes to the finer points of seduction. After a year, it’s going to be hard not to hump her on her baggage trolley as she walks through the customs exit at the airport. While this isn’t the most romantic way to greet a long lost lover, it may also be deemed offensive to other waiting terminal visitors. On top of that, it would just be your luck that  “Border Security’” was being filmed on that date and you end up on national television nut deep on top of a suitcase.

Before Chuck tackles the inevitable, there are some absolutely critical tips that Chuck can provide you that will ensure the inevitable actually takes place. To the vast majority of female readers, these tips may appear to be so rudimentary that you’ll think Chuck is mentally stunted, but you need to remember the target audience here. Man + girlfriend away for a year = sexually addled mind.

Ok, so Chuck is going to break these tips out with a little bit of reasoning for each. Make sure you implement at least 95% of them. 
  • Clean the house (See Chuck said it was going to be fairly basic). Chuck’s not talking about a cursory 30 minute ‘man clean’. Instead of doing what all blokes do, which is wipe down the kitchen counter with a 3 month old stankified sponge, actually break out some chemical cleaner and a new cloth and lift the toaster, kettle and sandwich press and wipe underneath. This also applies to vacuuming. Chuck advises that you actually move furniture and suck up the year old dust that has been coating the underneath of your bed. Still on cleaning, it is important to give the bathroom a thorough once over. Yes, the crapper doubled as your library for the past 365 days, but as of right now you need to remove your magazines and newspapers and perhaps contemplate splashing some bleach around the toilet bowl. No woman enjoys a filthy toilet, especially one who hasn’t seen you for 12 months and will likely want to freshen up before mauling you. Spend the time, it’ll be worth your while. If you live with other people, encourage them to perhaps find alternative lodging for the evening. Believe Chuck, they’ve put up with the sound of you running it through your knuckles for the last year, they’ll gladly give you some space so that you can unholster your weapon. If you live on your own, do your absolute damndest to keep her family away from your place. The savviest way to do this is to prearrange a barbeque for a couple of days later. Hopefully they’ll get the hint that you need to pound their daughter until your semen is coming out like puffs of dust. 
  • Hopefully you haven’t completely let yourself go in the time your lady was away. Its probably too late now to hit the gym and lose the additional 5kgs you put on if you did. In any case, make sure you show up at the airport in a semi respectable fashion. Tracksuit pants and thongs do not scream “I’m so happy to see you”. If you have put on some beef, wear loose fitting clothing preferably in black. And when the time comes to drop the meat hammer, keep the lights off so that she isn’t repulsed. 
  • While Chuck’s on airports, it is important that you actually park the car and go into the terminal. Your girl isn’t just getting back from a day trip for business so you CANNOT instruct her to fire you a text when she lands and meet her on the median strip where you do a rolling stop as she throws her bags in and you speed off all in a total of 10 seconds. Get online, check the flight times and be there waiting (this is also beneficial if she gets busted smuggling contraband into the country as you are on hand to bail her out). 
  • They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Let Chuck tell you that the quickest way to your nuts exploding through inactivity is to not have prepared some form of food for your arrival home. Looking at her the minute she walks through the door (after she has finished admiring your house keeping mind you) and asking either “what’s for dinner” or “what do you want for dinner” is a sure fire cock blocker. Chuck understands that you’ll be desperate to get into her knickers ASAP and doesn’t expect you to whip up a meal beforehand, so what you need to do is have a food plan. Have a meal that you can knock up post coitus. Keep it simple as you’ll probably want to bust it out real quick so you can get back in the sack.
  • Having a plan makes it look like you have put some time and thought into the return. By not pre cooking a dish, you also avoid having wastage as there is a chance she’ll be so taken by your penis that she wont want to eat that night (or she recently had a delicious airline meal).
  • Chuck would strongly advise you to change your bed sheets too. There is a possibility that you have been on a 60-day sheet cycle while living as a bachelor. Firstly, that is fucking disgusting. Secondly, clean sheets are nice and nothing is better than sleeping in your own fresh bed. Once again, it looks like you’ve made an effort.
  • If you want to push yourself into uber boyfriend status (its rarefied air up here, let Chuck tell you), a fresh bunch of flowers on the table is a true winner. It doesn’t have to be a grand arrangement, just a token of your appreciation for having her back in your life. All women love having flowers bought for them. If she happens to be a hippy and revolts at commercially grown flowers, go and pick some wildflowers.
All of the above steps are fundamental in ensuring that you get your end away and lets face it, that’s the real reason you’ve written in Quincy. Look, it’s inevitable that you’ll be putting one and likely more away since you haven’t seen her for a year. By taking some of the above steps, you just grease the slide a little more. Instead of walking into your place and being hit by a stark reminder of what a slob you were / are (she’ll have slowly forgotten this over the past year), she only has to think how awesome you are.

Getting back on point, it is very likely that your first sexual experience in over a year is going to be over very quickly. Chuck recommends that you don’t hide from it and in fact talk it up a little bit. Get the first one out of the way and then get down to business. Make the first one the best 3 minutes of her last year and promise that you can stretch the next one to at least 6. 

The only two ways you can fuck it up are if you 1) unload before she undresses, 2) get chronic performance anxiety. Both may very well have her wishing she could get back on the plane. If you’re prone to getting a little excited you may need to have a stabilising wank an hour or so before she touches down in order to take the edge of it. If Mr Wang Chung decides to hibernate at the critical moment then you’re really in trouble – there just isn’t any way to talk your way out of the inevitable “aren’t you happy to see me?” The response “I’m really tired” isn’t going to get yourself out of it.

You could try the old,  “I couldn’t wait to see you and had a toss before you landed” chestnut. If she buys that, you’ve got about an hour. Get cracking on the dinner you planned and hope like hell that the blood starts to flow sooner rather than later because otherwise you’ll soon be a bachelor again!

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