Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Banana Hammock

Hi Chuck,

I’d really like your opinion on a subject that is causing some tension in our household. My fiancé and I are about to head to Fiji for a long overdue holiday. Personally I find my fiancé irresistible and spunky. However, the issue I have is his insistence on packing Speedos rather than board shorts. He doesn’t have a bad body at all, I just think men look stupid walking around in them in public. He on the other hand thinks he looks great and he can get an all over tan.

Please tell me that you share my thoughts and more importantly please give me something I can shove under his nose.

Thank you


Hi Betsy,

One politician comes out as a certified budgie smuggler wearer and every bloke decides that it’s the look of the summer? Would it help sway your fiancé if Chuck mentioned that his new idol is about to get blown out of the water in the next election?

Fortunately for you Chuck is not a huge fan of the Speedo, which probably comes as a surprise to all who know Chuck and his chiselled physique. Being a fairly rationale chap however, Chuck did take some time to ruminate on the topic.  Before Chuck goes on any further, its important for full disclosure to take place – Chuck owns 2 sets of Speedos. The first set was purchased with the distinct purpose of bettering Chucks lap swimming time with the second set being procured as a tool to aid beach running while being worn under boardshorts. Let Chuck elaborate.

Lap swimming – Speedos are totally acceptable at the local pool when a male is actively working on his fitness. It’s hard enough work swimming laps let alone with the drag created by a baggy set of board shorts. Plus the tightness around your package gives you something to think about in the absence of an iPod or any other form of entertainment other than a black stripe at the bottom of the pool.

Beach running - short of being shot through your liver with crossbow arrow, there is nothing more painful than ball chafe. The instance of ball chafe increases exponentially the closer you get to the ocean. The fresh sea air may do wonders for your lungs, but the minute you combine it with testicles, male body hair, sweat, sand and salt it becomes a lethal combination that has felled many a great man. Wearing Speedos under board shorts while running on the beach allows the runner to dive into the surf to cool down and then to continue on with the run. If this was attempted sans underwear, the runner would probably manage an additional 50 metres before their nuts were barking in agony and the beach run came to a halt.

So that’s why Chuck owns Speedos.

Chuck isn’t going to lie; it does feel pretty cool to wear them. It’s like a combination of an ironman, pro wrestler and porn star pool cleaner. Unfortunately in most instances (Chuck is excluded from the following analogy), the vast majority of men to do not have the physiques or appendages of the aforementioned examples.

Speedos are doable if they are being used in the pursuit of athletic excellence (or if you a porn star pool cleaner). If your fiancé is planning on swimming 3 kms and running on the beach for 2 hours then you can probably let him slide. If he is planning on lying on a poolside reclining chair and sipping pina coladas then he is committing a fashion foul.

Chuck thinks his disdain for Speedos is closely aligned to his feelings about spandex at the gym. Tight fitting gear that blatantly showcases your pickle is just not acceptable social attire. Simple as that. You know your clothing is too tight when those around you know that you’re circumcised without A) ever sleeping with you or B) probing you over your Jewish faith. The exposed pocket rocket is too much, especially when you’re on holiday and people are trying to relax. No one wants to be half way through “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest” only to be distracted by a 2 inch pecker emerging out of the resort swimming pool.

Too often the dudes who decide to wear the sluggos have terrible bodies that have no business being poolside let alone scantily clad. A big old hairy arse, a fat gut, and a forest of chest hair is not what you sign up for when you book a holiday to Fiji. That same look squeezed into skin tight material is enough to make you vomit up your nasi goreng in your mouth.  To make matters worse, it is often these bodies who decide to slather themselves in oil and lay out in the sun all day slowly broiling. The next thing you know, you’re sitting down with your lover at the resort hotel about to have a romantic meal when the freshly bronzed grizzly bear wanders in. Now all of a sudden all you think about is his rotten body and shrivelled pickle. A great way to spoil your meal.

Chuck is assuming that your man doesn’t have the same sort of body described above because most normal women would rather cancel the trip than put up with that bullshit from their partner. It may be an ego shatterer for him to be shut down if he thinks he has a moderate to good body. He’s probably thinking that it’s a great opportunity to showcase his package. If he is hung like the majority of the male population you can emphasise that the Speedos and time spent swimming and boozing will serve to downgrade his weiner size dramatically. That information alone will likely serve to get him to ditch the idea ASAP. If he is hung like a Shetland pony….. well Chuck doesn’t really blame him, Chuck’d be showcasing it too!
While writing this post, Chuck has been trying to recall the instance that he was put off of Speedos. With many things that people have an aversion to, there is often one key moment that is the turning point. It finally hit Chuck.

A number of years ago, Chuck was working out at a local gym with one of his protégés. The facility also had a 50 metre swimming pool attached to it. Halfway through the session, an older gentleman sauntered in and began a series of rudimentary weight bearing exercises. Chuck didn’t think too much of it until this chap’s outfit was scrutinised a little closer. He was wearing sneakers and an oversized t-shirt. Chuck couldn’t see any shorts.

Chuck finished squatting 300 kilos and while rehydrating looked up to see the old timer on the pec deck. On this apparatus, the user sits with legs bent at 90 degrees and uses the arms to pull the weight into the centre, thus working the chest. The short situation was revealed. The old guy wasn’t wearing any. Instead he had wet Speedos on and the t-shirt had crept up. Other than not using a towel to prevent nut butter from leaching all over the equipment, the thing that was burned into Chuck’s retinas was his koala ears. For those of you unawares, Koala ears are great tufts of grey pubic hair sticking out each side of his Speedos.

So forgive Chuck if his view on Speedos is a little negative, but no man deserves to see that.

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