Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Unleashing the Beast


I’m young (21) and have a lot of female friends at uni. The problem I have is that I’m not into sport but enjoy music, fashion and dancing. Of course this means that everyone thinks I’m gay. I think even my girlfriends think I’m gay. I get a lot of crap from the guys at uni.

The big issue is that I’m not gay. I don’t think I come across gay. I have yet to have sex and because all these people think I’m gay I don’t think it will happen


Dear Tyler

This problem is so easily solved my friend. Pay for sex!

Depending on when you go, you could put this issue to bed (pun intended) for as little as $50 bucks. And for 50 bones, you’d probably get a nice little STD to remind you of your first time! What could be better?

Ok, its time to get serious.

You’re a young man looking to pound some beef and the way you act/ dress/behave is cock blocking you. Tough predicament.

You’d never pick it from Chuck’s work here at Reality Bytes since it drips pure testosterone, but Chuck also grappled with the “is he or isn’t he” question for a period of time. Chuck will give you a second to wipe your desk down since your morning skinny latte probably just got exhaled out of your nose at that admission. Style can be both a blessing and a curse. When you’re the sharpest dressed guy in the room and notice things like black being worn with navy and inappropriate use of accessories, it’s easy for the less couture minded to label you as different / homosexual.

So how did Chuck break down the misconception? High-class call girls.

Look Tyler, you’re going to have to dig yourself out of this mess if you ever want to get laid. Unlike you, Chuck really only dealt with this problem at work, so it wasn’t really as much of an issue – Chuck didn’t socialise with these people or have any desire to bone them. So much for trying to empathise with you.

The reason your situation is stickier is because you actually socialise with these people and in typical university student fashion, the girls who are currently you’re friends are typically the ones that you should be trying to nail. It’s obvious that you are a little different to the other dudes you’re studying with since you value female companionship and company. Every other bloke in the joint is angling for ways to get into your mates knickers while you’re comparing notes on “So You Think You Can Dance”.

What repulses your female friends about the other males attracts them to you.  You’re interested in their lives and feelings rather than just scamming for poontang. This is all well and good, but you’re the one going home and whacking off into a sock while the other males occasionally pull after a boozy afternoon at the tavern.

Believe it or not, you’re actually in a great position to right this ship. You can hunt from within the pride. You have easy access to fresh meat because you’re already inside the abattoir! Think about it. You’ve lulled these lovely ladies into a false sense of security – they think you’re one of them! Now its time to unleash the beast.

Just like most predators, you need to be strategic and hunt your prey in a calculated and methodical manner. Let Chuck guide you on the path.

Its important to remember that if you manage to nut up and actually bag one of these chicks you’ll probably tear apart the entire fabric of your friendships with this group.  Fortunately you’re only 21 and its unlikely that you will ever develop long term friendships with these girls since the minute they pull a serious bloke you’ll be iced out of their lives due to the fact that men are incredibly insecure with their women having male friends. So with that in mind, lets figure out a way that you can start nailing your buddies.

 The smartest way to play this game in Chuck’s esteemed opinion is to go after some secondary pussy right off the bat. What Chuck means by that is that you should zero in on your friends’ friends. The beauty behind this technique is that it softens the blow to your immediate friends whilst still giving yourself a chance to throw some bone. It’s important to remember that your coming out as a straight guy is going to shock your girlfriends. Here they have been sharing their most intimate details with someone that thought was a sister in arms. Your announcement to the world that you’re straight as a die is going to be like a spy coming in from the cold. It’s likely they’ll feel betrayed and let down.

So what you’ll need to do is try to find a friend of a friend and then subtly ask things like her relationship status, her interests and of course if she puts out. This will have your buddy immediately interested and will allow you to broach the issue of your sexuality and of course your sexual needs. Since you’re in tight with this girl already, you may actually be able to have a frank conversation with her about your emotions and desires.

The ultimate score here (is your friend) is piquing her interest and making you a viable option and object of her desire. Common interests are often the basis for successful relationships. You know these girls inside out (not literally unfortunately) so unless you are repulsive looking you have good grounds to get some action here.

You need to be smart in how you play this because once you have tagged one of the girls there is little chance you’ll get a shot at the others. Another advantage that you have is that you’ve probably been privy to intimate sexual details that they’ve shared in your presence. Use this to your advantage young son! You need to know which ones are easier and which ones you actually would want to be with. If you don’t play the order perfectly, you’ll completely kill any other opportunities out there. If you do get the details down pat, you’re on the gravy train as you’ll get multiple shots at the young ladies in the group and hopefully develop a little bit of groundswell around the fact that you are a newly found precious set of stones.

As for the other guys at uni that are giving you a hard time? Stop worrying about them. Just picture their faces when they find out that you’ve banged every girl in the group… maybe even simultaneously!

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