Wednesday, March 3, 2010

O where did you go?

Dear Madame Boodwah,

It’s been interesting to hear of your progress in rehab. I didn’t realise you were a sex addict but because of your expertise in this area I thought you might be able to help a confused soul out.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year when the other night she confessed that she has never had an orgasm with me even though she gave all the tell tale signs she was! I am crushed and feel like a complete loser.

Madame Boodwah how can I help my girlfriend achieve mind blowing orgasms?

Kind regards
Jack E No 

Dear Jack E No,

Does it sound anything like this?

Women are the experts at faking it. We can fake our hair colour, our boob size and even our age so why not fake an orgasm as well?

When discussing this post with the Orderly who kindly removed my oven mits so I could type, he told me this is why he doesn’t trust blondes. ‘A woman who has to fake anything is not to be trusted.’ He said showing me a photo of his homely looking girlfriend. I sensed he had some trust issues that were validated by his eyes fixated on my hands, making sure they firmly remained on my keyboard. 

As part of my group therapy my Neuropsychiatrist Dr Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain told us 
‘The difference between men and women is really in the timing. Men need about 3-5 minutes to orgasm while women need up to 13 minutes. Men consider foreplay 3 minutes before intercourse while for women it's 24 hours before. Men get in the mood visually while for women it is more about temperature and comfort.’ 

So yes dear male readers have a good think about what happened in the 24 hours before you last had sex with your partner.

Did you bring her a cup of tea in bed that morning?

Did you clean the house?

Did you fix anything around the house?

Did you take the rubbish out?

Did you make dinner?

If it was hot did you put the aircon on, if it was cold did you light a fire?

Did you pour her a glass of wine?

Did you give her a lovely massage?

And most importantly did you make her laugh?

If you answered yes to most of these questions I’m guessing your partner is more than satisfied in bedroom. If you answered mostly no, well now is a good time to start. The more you make her feel good, the stronger her orgasms will be and the rate of your BJs per week will increase.

So remember, at the end of every day always ask yourself what did I do today to make my partner happy?

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