Sunday, March 14, 2010

Pure Hatred

Dear Chuck,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. About a week into our cohabitation, he walked out of our ensuite obviously having poo’d. About 15 seconds later, the most aweful smell I have ever encountered swept through the room and I felt physically ill.  I left the room to go and sit in the garden assuming that perhaps it was last night’s meal or something. Since then the same has happened multiple times.

I have no idea how I should handle this situation



Dear Chloe,

The problem with writing an incredibly popular blog is that your words and thoughts reach a broader audience. This is good (one is able to help more people) and bad (one is able to piss more people off). Case in point, when Chuck mentioned that a couple should never marry before first boning. Of course this statement brought representatives from the Catholic Church banging on Chuck’s door asking for a retraction or at least some sort of acknowledgement that Chuck was a heathen and shouldn’t always be listened to.

While Chuck was raised a Catholic and is even considering naming his first born son Joseph Ratzinger or Pope Benedict for short, there are just some ideals that make too much sense to back off from. How on earth could you make a life commitment to a man or woman without determining whether or not you are sexually compatible?

You can’t, in Chuck’s esteemed opinion.

Following that line of thinking, how on earth could you possibly go forward into holy matrimony without living with your future spouse first?

You can’t. You know why? Because the last thing you want to do is make a life commitment to a dude, only to find out on day one of marriage and cohabitation that his insides are rotting and that he deposits the most heinous faeces into your toilet bowl on a daily (sometimes twice daily) basis. How the fuck could you accept and live with that stench offending your olfactory receptors?

So first things first. Congratulations, you’ve made the right decision by trying to live with each other. You now know one of your partner’s faults. The next decision is deciding whether or not you can live the rest of your life with the smell of shit dominating the inside of your home.

Before we go any further, it would probably be wise for Chuck to assist you in determining just how bad the dump smell is. For many women, the minute something ceases to smell like roses, it is deemed to be ‘stinky’. Now that you’re cohabitating, you need to re-sync your nose to a wide range of disgraceful odors including:

Ball stench - commonly found after a bloke has worked out. Never let it get on you’re fingers, it does not come off!

Foot odor – feet in leather shoes all day = foulness

Farts – Jesus, this should be an entire post on its own

Unwashed hair – most guys wash about once per week (if you’re lucky)

B.O – vile

Unclean clothes- even worse if the guy has B.O, it’s enough to make you gag

Once you’ve recalibrated your nostrils, we can determine just how bad your lover’s craps are. Human waste never smells good. But male poo takes it to another level. If your boyfriend enjoys meat and beer, there’s a strong chance that he’s dropping bowl staining dumps that make his eyes water. Unfortunately, there is a dookie that is one class above the bowl stainer - Chuck refers to these dumps as “pure hatred”. Every man has unleashed pure hatred on some poor unsuspecting toilet at some stage in their crapping career. However, for certain individuals, their modus operandi is pure hatred. They cant help themselves, their body just produces this toxic waste that infects the air around them and seems to put shit particles into the atmosphere, enabling unsuspecting folk around them to actually taste the dump. Pure hatred craps make the air thicker, making it feel like you need a machete to cut through the dense foul smelling climate.

If your partner is dropping pure hatred on you then you need to be concerned. These shits are so bad that Chuck believes they can affect your DNA - kind of like nuclear fall outs, the evil particles infiltrate your body and may result in birth defects or physical deformities. Of course, Chuck has no scientific evidence to back this up.

So how do you handle it?

There’s a high probability that your man’s diet is causing his turds to stink. Either that or he is really old (anytime an old dude walks into a public toilet, run for the hills, they breed pure hatred after the age of 60!). Chuck isn’t about to launch into a dietary post but would suggest taking a look at this website -

Chloe, if your man is laying festering wolf bait you clearly need to have a chat with him about it. It’s fucking up your life. Now it isn’t going to be easy suggesting to him that his sphincter may be rotting out, but unless you see yourself adapting to the smell, your life is going to be misery. You can tackle it head on or you can adopt his diet and hope that you start producing pure hatred and showcase for him what you have to put up with. Unfortunately, you’ll be the one walking around with the stink of evil clinging to your skin and clothes.

If he refuses to change his diet, he’s clearly a dick and you now know that you can never be with him long term. In fact, would there be a better break up line than: “I can’t be with you, your arsehole repulses me”?

If he does try to mix up his diet but his anus continues to be possessed by demonic turds then you’ll have to try a couple of other measures: 
  • Get two crappers and make him use the one as far away from you as possible. Most guys would be happy with their own toilet that they can leave the seat up or down in as they please and pile up magazines in. The biggest downfall to this is that you’ll probably give him the toilet furthest from your bedroom which is fine for you, but what about house guests who have to walk into your home and are greeted with the smell of fecal matter? Even worse, they have to use the man cave loo! Imagine how your mum will react the first time she needs to squirt at your place and her Chanel No 5 cannot mask the over-powering sulphur in the air. If your home only has one toilet – MOVE!
  • Courtesy flush. The key here is that the minute his first robust turd hits the bowl water he must flush. This quickly washes away the turd + water chemical reaction that facilitates the air pollution. As a training technique, equip him with a stopwatch and see how quickly he can spin and flush at first water contact.
  • Shitting in the shower. Yes this is a disgraceful act but desperate times call for desperate measures. The running water will deaden the smell and your toilet bowl will be stain free. God help the poor plumber should your shower drain ever get blocked though.
  • Encourage him to dump at work or visit his folks more often. Sure, its passing the buck and he’ll never get promoted or get any sort of inheritance but at least your nose hairs can grow back. 

Look Chloe, it’s a tough situation you’re in at the moment. Young lovers looking to share a life together, to nurture and grow. Its just a damn shame that the fertilizer you’re working with is turbo charged.

Upon reflection, perhaps our forefathers were onto something in the early 1900’s. Many would say that they were primitive and less refined, but you have to admit, in this situation, how appealing would an outdoor dunny be right about now?

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