Rotisserie Spit

Dear Chuck,

I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months and things seem to be going really well – we have a good dynamic and I find him really hot. Sexually I couldn’t be happier, everything works very well and he is a nice amount of adventurous and likes to please me. The problem is, of late, he’s started dropping hints and alluding to the fact he would like to try a threesome… with another girl. I don’t really understand because I thought our sex was spicy enough, is he tiring of me already? And if I go down this path will it just open the floodgates to more and more. Should I give in or should I move on?

Please help,

N. Otkeenforthree

Dear N,

All that email needed was a line saying how the boyfriend assured you that doing this would take the relationship to another level to have achieved full “Wank” status. Jesus, some blokes just have to push the envelope don’t they? Chuck nearly fell off his ergonomic chair when you said that he wanted another woman involved in the threesome – in fact, the whole thing might be a bit more palatable if he said he wanted to throw you on the spit with another bloke, just so it didn’t look like it was just all about him.

Look, right off the bat, Chuck’s advice would be to say no. You don’t disclose your age here, but your email reads as if you are south of 30. If you are young and have only been dating for 6 months, things are probably not secure enough up there in your coconut for this sort of activity. Chuck can assure you that if you slide another woman between the sheets with you and your bloke you will fracture your relationship. Jealousy and insecurity are powerful emotions and have broken many strong bonds. Imagine if your boyfriend makes mention of this woman again in the future – has he been thinking about her more than you? Imagine if you walk into the bedroom one night and he is tearing the head off it. Was he thinking about you or her? Save yourself the trouble and pass.

You shouldn’t worry about him being bored of you. You have to remember, he is a bloke and he will try to stretch the boundaries wherever possible. If he floats the threesome idea now and you aren’t so keen, at least the seed is planted and he can continue to tend to that until it blossoms. Plus if he can pull that off now, he can always go back to that well because you’ve opened the floodgates.

(Jesus, Chuck is a metaphor cornucopia this week!)

Ok, as per usual, Chuck knows that you probably read all that good advice and are still sitting there thinking “yeah but my boyfriend is different”. First off, no he isn’t, secondly let Chuck present a few other key thoughts:

• Righto, the first thing that Chuck wants you to do if you are still conflicted is to say to your boyfriend, “Honey I have been thinking about a threesome myself for the last couple of months”. Watch his eyes light up. Then, Chuck wants you to say “The thought of you and another man man-handling me is so appealing, I cant wait to have 2 cocks to play with and the thought of you kissing another man is SO appealing”. Then set your stopwatch and time how long it takes him to recoil in disgust and horror and call you a filthy whore. You see young lady, what is good for the goose is far from good for the gander in this instance. You can retort that it will strengthen your relationship, but Chuck guarantees that it will do no good.

And that is the exact moment when you know your boyfriend is a selfish prick who was really just  interested in throwing his penis into another woman.

• Another thing to consider if you go into this is that you may actually enjoy the experience. Being intimate with your boyfriend with a third party involved may open up a world of possibility for you and take you to places that you have never been before sexually. On the other hand, you may end up one of those people attending neighborhood swinger’s parties when you are 55, always looking for something different – which becomes a little tougher when your tits droop to your knees.

• If you go kinky 6 months in, what’s next on the agenda? Adding a fourth person to the mix? Setting up an S&M dungeon in your back shed? Dogging? Dressing up like a priest and nun? There’s no holds barred once you’ve gone the threesome route (pun intended) and your boyfriend can toss anything out there now that you have to give consideration. The depravity can just escalate until you find yourself and your boyfriend kidnapping hitchhikers and keeping them stashed in a make shift tent where you use them for sexual role playing games (for many German tourist this would be the greatest holiday of them all!).

• This is effectively approved cheating. If he asked to plough this chick without you there, would you allow him?

• You are getting naked with another woman, which will immediately heighten all of your feelings of self-doubt. Does she have better thighs? Are her boobs nicer? Does she have a tighter poontang? Does she excite your boyfriend more than you? Do you really want to have to deal with all that?

• How is this woman going to be selected? Will your boyfriend put an ad in the community news or did he have someone in mind? This is a big deal. You can’t just rope your best friend in because it creates baggage between the three of you. Then again, do you want to fuck around with some street urchin that your bloke found wandering the streets? And imagine if your boyfriend wheeled in some chick that he knew. You’d always wonder how far he’d been with her in the past and will go in the future. Logistical nightmare.

The one truly good thing about this whole exercise is that you are now armed with the ultimate breakup tool. When things inevitably go pear shaped after this experience and your boyfriend starts pulling some of the above mentioned stunts, you can drop the line “Look, I realized that I was more attracted to the woman than you and that she pleasured me in ways that you will never be able to”. Pretty tough to rebound from being told that you were so lousy that someone had to change teams!

The After Glow Effect

Dear Madame Boodwah

I did something naughty although maybe technically it isn’t so bad.

You see last night I went on a bender concluding with me having a one night stand which was surprisingly exhilarating. There was only one problem - I had a date the next day. After kicking my conquest out in the early hours and catching some zee’s I headed out to meet my date.

Upon arriving at the date I must admit I felt pretty relaxed and in all honesty quite confident, more so than what I normally would. He on the other hand was a jibbering mess and was overtly keen.

Madame Boodwah am I on to something? Does it pay to get one in with someone else before a first date to appear less desperate?

Sincerely disgraceful,
Won Inn

Dearest Won Inn,

A woman walks into an office looking fabulous. Her skin is glowing, she has a smile from ear to ear and she has a skip in her step like nothing could ruin her day and you notice that all the men in the office are paying her more attention than usual. Has she;

a) Just stepped out of a salon
b) Got a big pay rise
OR
c) Been performing naked acrobatics that put the Cirque de Soleil to shame the night before breaking a year long penis drought and is now suffering from what is know as the After Glow Effect.

Chances are c). To go into more detail about The After Glow Effect it's the extreme radiance exuberated from an all night shag fest after at least a 2 month penis drought that can make you more attractive to the rougher sex although they have no idea why you look this way. Similar to the Butterfly Effect where a butterfly that flaps its wings in Mexico creates a tornado in Texas except in this instance you’re swapping butterfly’s for penises hence creating The After Glow Effect.

But what are these men thinking? Do they know what she has been up to? Or because she’s been dousing herself with her male counterparts pheromones all night do they unconsciously sense she is taken hence wanting what they can’t have?

After a conference call from the RB Beach House to my esteemed college Chuck at HQ I discovered he believed it would be very rare that a man would notice why you looked this way. They would notice how confident and attractive you looked but they wouldn’t question why.

One of the RB correspondents believes that when you’re single, a woman should have a least 2 casual sex partners while trying to find a serious partner. This way when you go on a date with a potential ‘serious’ partner you’ll appear less desperate and a lot happier from your regular dose of endorphins.

However Madame Boodwah suggests you just take up running but if running isn’t your thing maybe give this idea a crack and let me know how you go. After all Madame Boodwah has the philosophy that when you are in a good mindset and space that’s when you will attract the right person into your life.

During a hot dry summer a couple of years back the Russian Diplomat had flown into Singapore to see Madame Boodwah before she flew to Europe for an Austrian Christmas with her family. As you all know at this stage the Russian Diplomat was a bit overweight and living was in a 3rd world country but every time Madame Boodwah saw him a standard had dropped.
This time the standard that had dropped was deodorant. Madame Boodwah was ecstatic to see him as it had been 3 months and upon his arrival noticed a certain extra manly smell that wafted from his armpits but her urge to wrestle him between her thighs over took.

After the Russian Diplomat gave her multiple Christmas presents plus a diamond bracelet they decided to have a shower together before going out for breakfast. In the shower Madame Boodwah gave him a good scrubbing down and told him her favourite part of him was his the part of his chest that was between his neck and man boobs. The Russian Diplomat was flattered as at this stage wasn’t finding himself very attractive which was previously discussed in Is Big Beautiful?

When hopping out of the shower and drying down Madame Boodwah asked if he’d like some deodorant. The Russian Diplomat looked at Madame Boodwah and said ‘I don’t really wear deodorant.' Madame Boodwah’s response was a 5 second silence while processing how she was going to handle this situation delicately although it came out more blunt than expected.

‘Well sweetheart to me you smell manly and sexy but to others well you’re a little pungent.’

The Russian Diplomat’s face dropped as if his world had come to a fast halt that eventuated into a ‘did you just really say that’ look as Madame Boodwah handed him the deodorant. He took it off me still holding that ‘you’re the Wicked Witch of the West look’ as he steadily lifted his right arm to spray his arm pit then switched hands to spray the other armpit while still holding my gaze.

‘In India people don’t where deodorant.’ Said the Russian Diplomat

‘Well of course they don’t, they can’t afford it but you can!’ Exclaimed Madame Boodwah

The Russian Diplomat soon realised he didn’t really have an excuse for bad hygiene.

That afternoon Madame Boodwah hopped on the plane bound for Austria. Once arriving at her destination and stepping off the plane she couldn’t help but notice all the men giving her the eye and a cheeky smile. Madame Boodwah lightly patted her auburn sweeping fringe to check she didn’t have ‘Something About Mary’ hair but no it was fine. It wasn’t until she glided through the airport to pick up her luggage that the stares became almost Neanderthal. Then it clicked and Madame Boodwah realised was suffering from the After Glow Effect and it was extra potent because her lover wasn’t wearing deodorant.

Madame Boodwah averages about 5 dates a week but when she is ovulating or after she has spent a couple of weeks in an exotic location it jumps to 10 but during that Christmas break it jumped to 20. It was the Christmas where my personal assistant also demanded a second assistant as my diary had become the work of 2.

So does it pay to get one in before a date? Possibly but even if your date ran one through the knuckles before meeting you that could even of helped him.

Ladies what are your experiences of the After Glow Effect? Did you notice men paying you more attention than usual? Men have you have noticed when a woman was suffering from the After Glow Effect?