New Beginnings

Happy New Year dear Reality Bytes readers! Welcome to a year that will change and empower your life all thanks to this blog. You may be wondering why Madame Boodwah has been absent over the past couple of months so today she’d like to share a part of her journey.

Yes towards the end of last year things were getting financially out of control for Madame Boodwah and Chuck plus Harry had to stage an intervention as they knew she could no longer live in denial about the reality of her shituation. Due to the GFC Madame Boodwah had been hit hard but couldn’t bear to face the truth about her finances to date.

Chuck picked up Madame Boodwah in a ‘new’ orange 1973 Datsun that putted up the road. At first Madame Boodwah didn’t know who it was until he stepped out of the car. Madame Boodwah dropped her handbag and dropped her jaw ‘Is our situation really that bad?’

‘Fuck no, just yours.’ Said Chuck throwing her a bottle of Xanax knowing that what she was about to be told would not be digested too well. Madame Boodwah downed 5 of the pills and Chuck gave her a flask of scotch to wash them down with. She instantly spat it out.

‘Yuck! What is that? That’s not Scotch!’ screeched Madame Boodwah

‘Yes it is. It’s called Jack Daniels. You have to cut costs.’ Explained Chuck. Chuck thought not to say much to her until the drugs had kicked in.

Arriving at the front of Harry’s office Chuck stopped the car the got out to open the passenger door.

‘I can’t do this’ said Madame Boodwah

‘Yes you can’ replied Chuck

‘No I can’t’ said Madame Boodwah

‘Just get out of the fucking car Boodwah’ said Chuck in frustration

‘NO!’ insisted Madame Boodwah

Chuck took a deep breath and reached into the car to drag her out throwing her over his shoulders to carry her all the way up to Harry’s office. Chuck knocked on Harry’s door to be greeted by a short bald head man in his mid 40s wearing a red bow tie and braces over his white fresh shirt that was tucked into his red tartan pants.

‘Hello come in. What took you so long?’ asked Harry

‘It’s been a bit of a struggle. Did you get the champagne I asked for?’ asked Chuck

‘Yes over there’ said Harry pointing to a bottle of Passion Pop.

Chuck threw Madame Boodwah onto the vinal chair and Harry poured her a glass of champagne. They could see the drugs were starting to kick in as Harry passed her the glass. Madame Boodwah spat it out.

‘Ah Harry. This tastes like geriatric piss! What is it?’
‘Passion pop dear. You have to cut back on your overheads.’ explained Harry

Chuck could see she was about to burst into tears so shoved some more Xanax down her throat.
‘Okay lets get down to business’ said Harry
Madame Boodwah’s started getting heart palpitations

‘Wait!’ she demanded as she reached into her handbag to pull out a bottle of Veuve. She popped the bottle leaving the cork to knock over a photo of Harry’s beloved mother who he still lived with…. yes he was part of the 1% that Reality Bytes could not help.
Madame Boodwah poured herself a glass then dissolved another Xanax into the champagne.

‘Okay so what’s happened to the yacht?’ insisted Madame Boodwah taking a big gulp of her champagne.
‘Gone’
‘The house keeper?’
‘Gone’
‘The convertible?’ The tears started to well up in Madame Boodwah’s eye Chuck passed her some tissues.
‘Gone’

‘The country estate?’
‘Gone’

‘The Jet?’
‘Gone’
‘The Chateau!’
‘Gone’
Chuck passed her the whole bottle of champagne. Madame Boodwah bought her knees to her chest and began rocking back and forth in her chair in disbelief as to what was happening to her.

‘Everything is gone. Your jetsetting lifestyle has come to an end. The only money left will be used to put you into rehab because you’ve hit rock bottom and you need to regain your strength.’ Explained Harry who had been her accountant for 20 years.

‘I’m not going to rehab!’ said Madame Boodwah standing up immediately as the room began to spin before she blacked out.
Madame Boodwah woke up to the blur of 3 men standing over her bed. When her vision began to sharpen she realised it was the doctor, Chuck and Harry.

‘Where am I?’ asked Madame Boodwah

‘Celebrity Rehab. You passed out.’ said Chuck

‘Oh’ said Madame Boodwah confused.

‘Did you know Tiger Woods is in here too? There’s a bit of inspiration for your next post’ said Chuck.

Madame Boodwah ever so slightly nodded her head as she gazed out the window.
‘Okay well I better head home. I’m cooking tonight for the girls at Mrs Long’s book club.’ Said Chuck

Madame Boodwah continued to stare out the window feeling desolate and alone.

Stay tune to see what happens to Madame Boodwah and if she gets to meet Tiger!

Resolute about resolutions

Dear Chuck,

My one and only New Years resolution for 2010 is to find a decent bloke.

Thought you should know I’m aiming high.

Love Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

Giddy up!

First and foremost, Happy New Year loyal Reality Bytes readers. Chuck is refreshed, revitalised, reinvigorated and completely refocused in the early stages of 2010 after a nice little break and a particularly thorough high colonic irrigation.

Nothing like starting the New Year with a bold prediction by a young lady keen as proverbial mustard to lock down a bloke. ‘Tis the season to be making resolutions and setting goals after all, which in itself can be quite amusing when you consider some of the stuff people come up with. Chuck can appreciate that people use the first day of the year as some symbolic starting point, an awakening or rebirth. An opportunity to right wrongs or make themselves better. What is laughable is some of the vague objectives that people set or the unrealistic targets that can never be met.

Of course, every news station led with some sort of package around New Year’s celebrations and people’s ideas for 2010. Some of the nuggets displayed on every station (with Chucks thoughts included):

I’m going to lose weight – Ah fantastic, any specific amount or are you looking to shift 100 grams? Additionally do you have any plan for actually dropping the beef? Wouldn’t it be great if someone actually said, “yeah, I’ll just get my guts banded” or “I’ll spew regularly”. Unfortunately, carry-on fat baggage doesn’t melt away through mind power.

I’ll give up smoking – How do you expect to lose weight if you give up smoking??

I’m going to make more money – brilliant! Sticking up petrol stations or defrauding your employer?

I’m going to hit the gym – And you wonder why franchise gyms rub their hands together at this time of the year. Swarms of people wandering in, signing up for year long memberships and then never being sighted after the first 30 days while their bank account gets raped every month. Easy money. (Maybe it was a gym owner who made the “I’m going to make more money” resolution?)

I’m going to be nicer – Once a dick always a dick. If you can’t be nice now, what makes you think you could be nicer starting January 1?

I’m going to give up drinking – typically made by someone who is totally boozed or nursing a brutal hangover the next day. In Chuck’s entire life history, three known associates have actually given up drinking- 1) nearly burnt through his stomach lining through drinking 2) was a raging alcoholic and 3) found fundamental religion (please stop to consider how popular Chuck is and therefore how many people he must know). Chuck’s point is that people don’t just give up drinking without a valid reason.

Granted, these were saccharine sound bites and the vast majority of people offering them up were blind drunk at the time, but Chuck’s point is that a lot of people out there make resolutions as bold statements with no plan for achieving them and then wonder why they can never make them come true. Don’t get Chuck wrong, it’s not all about shitting on people’s hopes and dreams, Chuck himself is a goal setter of the highest order.

Without dipping into some sort of goal setting workshop (since Chuck usually charges a premium for these sessions), it’s important to set targets that are realistic and achievable and think about the steps that must be taken to reach them. In order for you to get your head around what Chuck is rapping about, lets take a look at a small sample of the 37 resolutions Chuck set for himself in 2009:

Resolution 4 – Help People

Plan – establish an immensely popular blog designed to provide realistic and honest relationship advice.

Achieved? – Check

Resolution 9 – Get a radio show

Plan – parlay immensely popular blog into other mediums, including radio.

Achieved? - Fail

Resolution 15 – Reduce body fat to below 3%

Plan – design and implement a rigorous workout program involving 6 workouts per week featuring cardio and weight work. Overhaul diet, adhering to a strict eating plan and reducing alcohol consumption by cutting out Vodka Cruisers.

Achieved? – Check

Resolution 16 – Win 2009 Cheerleading & Sport Aerobics National Championships.

Plan- work on flexibility through yoga classes, start wearing more form fitting lycra and design a killer competition routine set to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns ‘N’ Roses.

Achieved? – Fail (groin tear as a result of training mishap)

Resolution 24 – Learn a new recipe every week

Plan – combine web based research and cook book study to broaden culinary expertise.

Achieved? – Check

As you can see from that brief insight into Chuck’s life, there is a plan in place for each resolution to ensure that Chuck gives himself the best chance to meet his objectives. Not every goal is met as evidenced by the ‘fails’ that Chuck has marked next to some of his highlighted resolutions, but this means that when Chuck resets his aims for 2010, he can evaluate the plans and determine better ways to go about reaching the designated targets.

So what’s the point of all this mumbo jumbo you ask? Well, since the vast majority of people will have crapped on their resolutions for 2010 already, perhaps you could use Chuck’s advice and get back on the horse before its too late or at the very least, start making preparations for 2011. On top of that, Chelsea did write in to say that her resolution was to find a decent bloke in 2010.

Obviously, based on what you’ve just read from Chuck, you’ll know that Chelsea’s resolution is a little thin. It has a bold statement, which Chuck likes, but it lacks the prerequisite planning to ensure that she can pull it off. Since our girl didn’t give us too much to work with in terms of her background or circumstance, let Chuck slap together some ideas for planning purposes and hopefully help Chelsea hit pay dirt this year. The following are some loose guidelines and ideas that should help Chels on her way:

• Avoid hanging out at gentleman’s clubs
• Always wear g-strings when at the gym
• Put yourself in places where decent blokes hangout (library, volunteer organisations, pet shelters)
• Don’t correspond with prisoners on death row
• Dodge golfers
• Wash your hair semi regularly
• Stop sleeping with every new guy at your work
• Eat 5 veg and 2 fruit; drink 2 litres of water daily
• Employ Chucks Certain Amount of Outlay Theory

http://realitybytes101.blogspot.com/2009/08/100-on-nose.html

The last point is probably the most salient since Chuck is pretty much laying out for you how to find a decent dude. In fact, since it is so pertinent, one of Chuck’s resolutions for 2010 (taking the tally to 43) is to keep adding to the Certain Amount of Outlay list so that ladies like Chelsea have a one-stop shop for finding premium quality beef. Rest assured, Chuck has a plan!