Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sweet Ez Cuzzy Bro

Dear Chuck,

Last night I went to a concert with some friends and met a guy called Gary through my friend Kev. He’s seemed nice to talk to and I’ll admit he was pretty easy on the eye.
After the concert my other friend Kuda gave us a lift home including Gary.
In the back of the car I sat next to Gary, who started getting a bit familiar by giving the side of my leg a slight rub then progressed to holding my hand. At first I was ignoring his advances then I reciprocated. Do you think this is a bit full on for someone I’ve only just met?
Also, during the drive I noticed Kuda drove past Kev’s place so I said ‘Aren’t we going to drop off Kev first?’
 ‘Ladies first.’ Replied Kuda.
Then Gary jumps in and says ‘yeah aren’t you meant to put the shit before the shovel?’
I laughed in disbelief and said ‘well you just lost points there’ then he tried to argue that to be funny you sometimes had to be un-PC and potentially offend somebody.
Although I think it was a pretty dumb thing to say should I let this go or take it as a huge warning sign to not go out with him if he calls?

Thanks a bill,
Charmaine Beer

P.S. He’s also a New Zealander.

Dear Charmaine,

A couple of weeks ago Chuck was watching ‘The Biggest Loser’ because it makes Chuck feel better about himself. As Chuck sat on the couch performing Kegel exercises (little known fact, Kegel exercises work for men, strengthening the pubococcygeal muscles which aid in better boners and greater ejaculation control….not that Chuck has a problem with that old chestnut) and delivering scorn to the fatties on the screen, it soon became apparent that the hefty people had been airlifted to New Zealand in yet another attempt to get to the root of their gluttonous demons.

In an effort to deliver some sort of deeper meaning to the trip, the show’s producers introduced a number of traditional Maori greeting songs that culminated with the Maori’s performing a ‘hongi’ – a welcome that consists of rubbing or touching of noses. The literal meaning of hongi is “sharing of breath” which in this instance would have meant that the Maori’s would have received a generous dose of McDonalds breath. Fortunately for the fatties the Maori’s didn’t confuse the Aussie pronunciation of ‘hongi’ with ‘hangi’ as that would have resulted in the big people being buried underground with hot rocks and being cooked – although that would have made for compelling viewing and fed the entire population of the South Island of New Zealand.

Anyway, Chuck digresses.

The reason for that awesome tale? Well since Gary’s a New Zealander it is highly likely that he’s taken the nose rubbing greeting from his homeland and attempted to put his own spin on it. In this case he has tried the leg rubbing ‘I want to bone you’ technique.

As far as Chuck is concerned, it’s kind of a bullshit move, especially since you and he don’t appear to have had any interplay leading up to the leg interaction. Don’t get Chuck wrong, in many men’s younger days, the leg rub in a close confined space was a standard issue first move which kind of suggested that you were interested without the risk of having to ask and be rejected. Japanese men have taken this style to whole new levels, especially on public transport and instead of rubbing your leg with their hand they use their dick!

And then to follow it up with a handhold is weak sauce too. It really is like asking someone out without actually having to do any work for it. Just lazy dating.

It does pain Chuck that you reciprocated on the hand-holding. As a lady, you cant reinforce that sort of behaviour because if he is cutting corners on his first advance, imagine what he’s going to be like if you ever end up going out? Stop right now and think about all the foreplay you’ve had in your life…. most men aren’t fantastic lets be honest. Now, think about how much effort this squeezer is going to put in after securing your interest with a seedy old man leg rub and a random hand hold? You may as well rent out the space where your clitoris is located since it will never be used again!

The ONLY way that this move is acceptable is if he is a mute and even then, surely he could have found an old receipt and a pen and written you a note?

“Dear Charmaine, can I rub your leg and hold your hand????”

So Chuck’s sorted out part 1 of the equation for you. Bullshit move

Part 2? It’ll come as no surprise to you that Chuck is none to impressed with your boy’s performance. As the old saying goes “You only have one chance to make a first impression”. Gazza has blown his load in dramatic fashion, first feeling you up in the car and then coming across as a monosyllabic imbecile with that corny line he ran out. Don’t get Chuck wrong, there have been numerous occasions where Chuck has had to pull the size 11’s out of his mouth after going for an un-politically correct laugh, but it’s when, where and with whom that is critical.

If he liked you enough to be touching you up in the car and putting the squeeze on your paw, then surely he could have checked his mouth or at least read the play a little better. He has just met you so trialing any of his un-PC material is not the safest way to go as he has no means of knowing how you’ll react. Secondly, dropping that line in a car with more than one woman is dangerous since if one reacts adversely, the other will immediately get her back. Damn, don’t they teach this shit at “How to be a Man” camps anymore like back in the day?

While his line was cheesy, old and unfunny, it’s probably not enough to cut him loose except for the fact that he went with the inappropriate leg touching technique first…. and because he’s from New Zealand! All signs point to no if he should call.

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