Sunday, April 11, 2010


Dear Chuck,

My name is currently anonymous to the media but I was recently photographed being put into a cab by a high profile sportsman who’s just   broken up with his girlfriend.

I met him at the bar that night and he was quite the gentleman. He asked for my number and he’s taking me out for dinner next week. I’ve never been out with anyone famous before, do you think he could possibly be genuinely interested in me or is he just using me to get back at his ex? And should I be wary of dating a high profile sportsman?

Your advice appreciated,

Dear Tara,

Before you go out on your dinner date, Chuck wants you to do two things.

1)    Sit down at you kitchen table and list everything good and bad about your life.
2)    Ask yourself whether you’re an introvert or extrovert.

Lets start with point 1. If you’ve been honest and exhaustive you’ll likely have a fairly interesting list. If your good list is longer than the bad, Chuck is genuinely happy for you. Unfortunately, if this dinner date goes well and you hook up with the sportsmen we all think you’re seeing, you may as well dump that list on its head because you’re about to become public property and you’ll never be able to experience the vast majority of things on that list again.

Now Chuck knows that sounds fairly harsh, but lets be honest, if you hook up with this particular sportsman every person who’s ever bought a Woman’s Day (and a plethora of blokes who secretly read it in the checkout line at the shops) will be insanely interested in you and your life. Welcome to the fishbowl. You have to remember that his last woman was an attention seeking ho and the general public isn’t going to take it well if his new flame doesn’t burst onto the scene and showcase every inappropriate phone photo that’s ever been taken.

On top of that, you’ll be endlessly compared to his last tart (for better or worse) and the first time you’re ever snapped snorting cocaine off a toilet seat in a dodgy nightclub at 4am you’ll immediately be branded the second coming of her. Yes, you may be a totally classy lass but you’ll be operating in her shadow for quite some time.

If your list had a number of bad things on it you’re well and truly fucked. If the bad stuff includes criminal charges, drugs, depression, molestation or  myriad other seedy things then at some stage or another that’s all going to end up in the public domain. Of course you could take all that stuff and parlay it into a decent payday from any number of magazines but do you really want your life on display?

On to point 2. If you’re an introvert, you need to steer well and truly clear of this relationship since you’ll forever be on public display and thus be permanently uncomfortable. And if you try to remain an introvert, you’ll be labelled a moody cow. When you’re with a high profile athlete you kind of become high profile yourself which means that you’ll be out of your comfort zone on a regular basis.

You’re in better shape if you’re an extrovert, but you’ll need to remember that his last girlfriend was an extrovert and that’s ultimately what got her booted (and because she seemed to be a slapper). If things work out and you end up together you’re going to get tons of airtime. Being an extrovert means that you like being out and about, which also means that you are presenting yourself to the media on a regular basis. One too many shots of you falling out of a nightclub will lead to howls that you were exactly like his last one. Perhaps you try to reign in your excursions, but then you’re just compromising your life.

Finally, one last negative thing to think about – he’s an international athlete. You’ll see him about 3 months of the calendar year and since he’s fresh out of a relationship, he’ll be looking to tag as much road beef as he can in every port that he calls into. You’d want to play this one cool and let him shag his brains out for a while and then move in for the kill once he has picked up some foreign strains of Chlamydia and gotten his wanderlust out of the system (and the clap has cleared up too).

Now for some upside.

He may be a totally decent bloke who realised that he was with the wrong bird and is looking for a decent chick to settle down with. If that’s the case, he’ll work with you to minimise exposure and you may be stepping into a totally exciting new world. Lets consider the positives:

1)    Sweet tickets to the cricket – you’ll have awesome seats to every international game. If you don’t like cricket that’s a stinger but Chuck bets you’ll never be closer to your dad and brothers again since they’ll be scrambling for free tickets too.
2)    He lives in a 6 million dollar pad on Bondi Beach. Chuck bets you wouldn’t mind scrubbing the shower to wake up there every day?
3)    He bought his last GF a 200k car
4)    Strong chance he’d get your name tattooed onto himself somewhere
5)    Free Bonds underwear
6)    You’d get into numerous hotspots around Australia
7)    You could supplement your income by selling life stories to gossip mags
8)    You could touch the Ashes!

Tara, at the end of the day, its your call. Who knows, you may be blessed with grace and dignity and can handle the additional scrutiny and prying from the media. On the other hand, he may need some rebound pussy and you’re it. Who knows how this things will play out?

Chuck suggests you go to dinner with him and treat it just like any other date that you’ve been on. Hopefully there’s some chemistry and things progress. And if worst comes to worst ask for two tickets to the next test match in Australia and give Chuck a call!

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