Road Kill

Chuck,

For the last couple of years I’ve been living the dream – working in Sydney but travelling down to Melbourne for work at least once a month.  I have been hooking up with a co-worker on the sly for almost the entire time. I’m not going to lie, it has been awesome having a girl down there and thanks to the tyranny of distance, I don’t have to commit to anything. I feel like an international playboy! Last month my boss asked me if I’d like to step up and run the Melbourne office. It’s a great opportunity. The downside to this is that the girl down there is very excited at the possibility of us becoming an item; she’s already talking about us potentially living together. Despite hooking up with her on a regular basis, I have zero interest in actually dating her. I seriously need help sorting this mess out

Robbie

Robbie,

A sailor with a different woman in every port – many men have had this fantasy. Robbie, you have taken the luxury of having regular road beef and effectively turned it into road kill. Fuck being successful! Its called road beef because it happens on the road, not in your new office! Jesus, this is a legitimate cluster fuck – that is, a series of fuck ups all grouped together to create one giant disaster.

You probably don’t need Chuck to tell you this, but on so many levels this has gone pear shaped Robbie. In fact, the more Chuck has chewed this over in his mind, the tougher it has been to find a clear-cut answer to your problem/s. In true Chuck style, lets evaluate how you’ve fucked this up and through better understanding, perhaps a solution will emerge.

Problem number 1: You’re moving into the same town as a woman you’ve been regularly porking for over a year with no intention of having anything more than a sexual relationship with her. She on the other hand seems to have your entire life together already mapped out.

In any ordinary world, you’d simply dump this gal and pray to God that she wasn’t so hung up on you that she starts showing up at your doorstep at 3am. No matter how you spin it, you’d look like a total fuck knuckle when you dump her because obviously she was good enough to bone once a month but not worthy of girlfriend status. You could fish around for bullshit excuses to dump her (e.g. I’m not ready for a relationship, I need to focus on my career blah blah blah) but Chuck really can’t think of one that wont make you look like a douche. The upside is that in an ordinary world, you’d never have to see her again.

Problem number 2: You’re dropping the meat hammer on a co-worker. Always an awkward situation when two people in the same office are knocking each other out. What Chuck always finds amusing is how these people try and act like they aren’t rooting when everyone else in the office knows they are. You know, exaggerated efforts to avoid each other, uncomfortable looks in meetings, perhaps even pretending that they don’t like each other. Chuck has always wondered what people who work together and who are in a relationship actually talk about?’

“What did you get up to today honey?”

“Well you were in the same meeting dumbass, what do you think?”

Having a sexual relationship with a co-worker creates uncomfortable tension. It creates even more tension if you break up, especially if she takes it badly and tells everyone in the office that you’re a premature ejaculator.

Problem number 3: You’re about to be the boss of your road beef. Take the tension created by banging a colleague and multiply it by 10. That’s what it’s got to be like when you’re rogering a subordinate (its not so bad if you’re a multi millionaire company owner because you’ve got so much money that you don’t give a fuck and everyone is scared shitless of you since you own the joint). Now take that tension and times it by 10 again. That’s what its like when you are newly promoted into the role of boss. Here you’ve been flying in once a month and tagging a lass from the office.  Chucks assuming that you’re not doing the work experience girl and therefore this woman is at a similar level. In that case, she’d view you as a peer, an equal. Now all of a sudden you’re her boss! Unless she’s into dominant role playing (and lets be honest, have you ever seen a porno where the woman asks to be dominated?) she is going to be totally pissed at this situation.

Problem number 4: You’re about to become the boss of a co-worker that you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Ok, so this is where it’s getting totally fucked up. If you fly into town and dump this woman, you are in a world of hurt. The first issue you’ll have is that everyone in the office will know that you were pounding one of the workers. The last thing you want to do is lose the respect of the office in your first week, that shit is tough to get back! On top of that, every woman in the office will be looking for signs that you’re taking a ping at one of them. There will never be any trust.

You’re worst nightmare is a sexual harassment or discrimination claim. If you dump this lady there is likely grounds for some form of legal action since it could be construed that you’re fucking with her (not literally anymore) in the work place.

There is no way you’re breaking things off with this woman and getting away clean Chucks afraid to say. So how to you manage this situation? Well the first thing you do is decide whether taking this new job is worth it. Chuck assumes that if you don’t take it, you’re pretty much fucked career wise in your company. So option two is check your underwear and sac up because if you can follow Chuck’s plan, you may just pull this off. Its going to be tough but well worth it.

Right, so what you do is move to Melbourne and keep up the facade of being interested in this girl romantically. You do NOT take up her plan to cohabitate. You get your own pad under the guise that you want to take things slowly relationship wise and get settled in town. Now the upside is that you still have the road beef on offer only now it is locally grown.

You must have a conversation with this girl that you’d like to keep your relationship under wraps for a while so that you can settle in and keep the harmony in the office. The last thing you want the other works to think is that your woman is getting preferential treatment from you. She’ll gobble this up and love the mystique (assuming she has truly kept your dalliances to herself and not spread the word)

After a month or two of playing loved up couple, you will need to start suggesting that for the relationship to go to the next level one of you need to leave the company as it would look unprofessional to be dating a co-worker (Chuck is making the grand assumption that you’re not working in such a specialised field that there are no other jobs in the market). Since you’re the boss and presumably making a world of difference, it will likely be her that looks for another opportunity.

Once she gets another job and moves on, wait a month or two and then start acting really stressed out and frazzled. Blame the job for getting you down and break up citing a need to focus on work and get things straightened out. On the other hand, If you’re a real dick, dump her at her going away party.

A couple of long shots:

Keep up the dating scam, dominate at your job and see if your can get transferred back to Sydney (unrealistic in such a short time frame).

Performance manage her out of her job (the ultimate wanker move)

Chuck is sitting here scratching his head at this one Robbie. Declining the promotion and staying in Sydney is looking a hell of a lot more appealing – fuck your career, this nightmare isn’t worth it!

Twisted Sister

Dear Chuck,


I’m 22 and my brother is 23 (I know, my parents didn’t mess around). He is blessed with having some of the best looking friends who also happen to be really great guys as well. His best friend (let’s call him Toby) is gorgeous and I think there is definite chemistry between us. My question to you Chuck is whether or not I should speak to my brother about getting together with Toby. My brother and i have a great relationship and he isn’t the over protective type at all.


Thanks


Charlie


Dear Charlie,


Jesus, nothing like having quality beef paraded for free through your families lounge room! It must feel like you’re at an all you can eat smorgasbord – so many fine offerings in front of you, ready for your consumption. Chuck bets it makes your mouth (and other areas) water with anticipation.


However.....


Let Chuck put this bluntly; if you hook up with your brother’s best friend in any way, shape or form, you are effectively driving a steak through the heart of your brother’s friendship. Let Chuck step you through this:


Chuck’s awesome point number 1: No matter how cool of a guy your brother is or how great your relationship is, there is no possible way that he is going to be comfortable allowing his mate to carve up his sister. Charlie, you need to remember that he hangs with these guys on a day to day basis so he knows what goes down. There are no non Mormon males at 23 years of age who don’t spend at least 50% of their time either having sex, trying to get sex, talking about sex or thinking about sex (that figure is likely conservative). In fact even Mormon males are doing that, it’s just that they are doing it within the confines of a marriage they entered into at 21 and with at least 2 kids. The reason they got married so young was so that they could actually have sex without God smiting them. Anyway, Chuck digresses.


No matter how sweetness and light these guys come across in your presence, the reality is that they are chasing minge at all times and your bro knows this. Granted, they may be a classier bunch than your average 23 year old males, but they’re males none the less. He will not feel good letting one of his boys be with his sister because he knows better than anyone what this guy is after. It won’t sit well with him.


Chuck’s awesome point number 2: Being an older brother, he is genetically engineered to be protective of you and your interests. No normal older brother will willingly consent to any of his associates entering the holiest of holies of his sister. In fact, he is likely to be genuinely pissed at anyone for trying to penetrate you.


This protection gene is less dominant if the sister is older. Effectively your parents have fucked you by having him first because if you were older you would face less resistance from him if you had a crack at his buddy. Simply by being older turns the responsibility tables and he doesn’t have to watch out for you as much. Blame your folks for you missing out on boning his hot pals.


Chuck’s awesome point number 3: If you do manage to hook it up with Toby, how on earth do you think he’ll be able to hang out with your brother again? You guys may have a great relationship, but do you really think your bro wants you tagging along to everything he does with his mates? Conversely, he isn’t going to want to be with you and Toby while you canoodle and dry hump (unless of course you guys have a REALLY good relationship).


All of a sudden your business and his business get mixed up and as they say, you should never mix business with pleasure.


Chuck’s awesome point number 4: Despite being best friends, dudes need space. Whereas he could once kick it with Toby on a ‘needs’ basis, now Toby is around for family barbeques, Christmas and other special occasions. Its friend overload and the thing that will give is the friendship.


Chuck’s awesome point number 5: You’re only a young pup Charlie so the likelihood of this relationship standing the test of time is slim. With that in mind, where will your brother stand at the moment of reckoning – the breakup? If you were mutual friends and one of you commits a deplorable act, then it is common sense that the 3rd party (your bro) would side with the person who got shafted. Blood is thicker than water however and he is almost obligated to side with you even if you turn out to be a nut job who made Toby’s life miserable. The break up will totally torch his friendship because even if it is amicable, it will still be difficult to have Toby around you and vice versa.


Chuck’s awesome point number 6: Trust. If you make a play at one of your brothers boy’s, he is always going to wonder if you’ll end up working through the entire group. Imagine how embarrassing that will be at your eventual wedding when a large proportion of the male crowd are saluting the fact that they’ve chopped you up. At the moment your brother probably has no idea that you’re interested in his mate. If you make a play, he’ll forever have his head on a swivel, checking to see if you’re ready to swoop in and attack the rest of his posse.


Chuck’s awesome point number 7: Chuck doesn’t enjoy being a naysayer so let’s consider how you could make this work.


Thinking


Thinking


Thinking


Ok, so even Chuck’s big brain is struggling to help here. About the only possible way this coupling could happen without destroying your brothers friendship is if you hold off and wait until your brother is either in a serious long term relationship or better yet, married. The reason for this is that when your brother settles down himself, there will be loosening of the time he spends with his buddies and his priorities will shift to family. You hooking up with Toby will lessen the impact on his social life to a degree and therefore he will be less concerned. Having said that, all of the above issues Chuck pointed out still apply although muted in each instance.


So in all reality, you and Toby hooking up is a bad thing for your brother and his friendship. Trying to talk to your brother about it will not help the situation at all since he either flat out say no which will piss you off or he’ll get uncomfortable, not say anything and let you go ahead with it. He will then spend the rest of your relationship with Toby trying to passively aggressively ruin it. This will damage your relationship and his bromance with Toby.


If you are desperate to get your freak on with Toby, get devious and buy him a long overseas holiday for his birthday (after talking up how he should get out and explore the world) and pounce on his bestie the minute the international departure gate closes! You’ll have all of the above problems, but you’ll have plenty of time to figure out excuses or solutions.