An Open Letter to My Next Girlfriend

The Letter

Bat Wing

Dear Chuck,

I’ve only ever dated circumcised guys.. until now, and I’m a little bit freaked out. We were getting hot and heavy when I slipped my hand down his pants and discovered all that extra skin, I actually ended up making an excuse and going home early because I wasn’t sure how to take it. Would sex be any different? Should I give him a chance?

Deb

Dear Deb,

Funny you should email in this story. Just last night, Chuck was walking through the city with an overseas visitor who was amazed by the bats flapping through the dusk sky. He was so intrigued that he camped under a tree in the hope that a dopey bat may fall out and he could get a closer look. Once Chuck explained that he couldn’t catch rabies, he was desperate to see one. At one point he turned to Chuck and asked, “what does a bats wing feel like?”

Fortunately for Chuck’s foreign friend, chiropterology (the study of bats) is one of Chuck’s favourite pastimes. Chuck encouraged the tourist to whip out his todger and give his foreskin a bit of a stretch – there would be his answer. Unfortunately, for all those standing there eagerly waiting for a stretched skin display, he announced that he didn’t have any.

So what does this have to do with your situation? Well nothing really, but how often do you get a chance to talk about bats and foreskin in the same story when you’re not writing a novel in the Twilight series? Actually, you can probably take something away from it – that the spread of blokes with and without foreskin is unpredictable.

Estimates suggest that anywhere from 1/6 to 1/3 of the world male population has had their meat crisper removed. With statistical vagaries like that, it’s no wonder your experiences have been widely skewed in one direction. Now if you have a preference for Muslim men, then you’re situation is a little easier explained since nearly 70% of Muslims are helmetless. The Jews always religiously whip the excess skin off. South Koreans also love chopping the end off their skin flute so if you decide that you cannot deal with a little extra skin cling wrap then start hanging out at Korean BBQ restaurants.

As for any concerns you may have about the presence of foreskin, about the only thing you need to worry about is the transfer of HIV. HOLD UP!! Chuck hears you scream. It’s not that bad. Basically the transfer of HIV can be increased if the carrier has not been circumcised. This has lead to millions of Africans having their knobs shaved:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/12/01/world/main5848920.shtml

If you practice safe sex, the dick helmet being there is totally inconsequential.

In terms of sexual performance, only anecdotal evidence exists that a circumcised penis is less sensitive than a non-circumcised penis. Chuck would be more than happy to line up a hundred blokes of varying cock sheathing and gently tickle their knobs in order to test responsiveness but he is a little busy leading up towards Christmas – perhaps next year? The biggest issue that medical people have is that the foreskin contains the most sensitive parts of the schlong so chopping it off pretty much puts your cock at a disadvantage…especially when boning ugly women.

Circumcision has been shown to reduce the incidence of balanoposthitis, which is an inflammation of the glans penis (knob) and prepuce (foreskin). Urinary tract infections and cancer of the wanger are also less in circumcised males. Chuck is no doctor but is prepared to say that if you take the time to give your purple bell a good clean, you too can live a longer and happier life.

So Deb, where does this leave you? Look, if you’ve always been one to eat a certain type of bread and then all of a sudden you’re presented with something new, then yes, there will be a period of adjustment. It wont look, feel, smell or taste the same, we know that right off the bat. But what Chuck would encourage you to do is take a big old-fashioned mouthful, work it over and swallow it down. Everyone needs to expand his or her horizons and try something new from time to time. Who knows, this may turn out to be the greatest bread you’ve ever hand and you’ll never go back – it gives new meaning to the expression ‘the best thing since sliced bread’ huh?

You need to get to know your new knob. Chuck’s hoping you didn’t see the hooded snake and run for the hills – it’s venom’s not deadly after all. If you were able to stifle your discomfort and not let your man see that you’re disgusted by his crank shaft (or as Madame Boodwah says “I just wasn’t attracted to his penis”) then you can take your time to build a relationship with this strange and new beast.

About the worst thing for you is the upkeep and smell of it. If your man is not a big fan of showering twice per day, then the stench on that thing can get to be a little overpowering. Think about it this way – imagine leaving a steak in the summer sun wrapped in a piece of aluminum foil. Well that’s a dick with foreskin, except his meat is getting broiled in his underwear – crotch pot cooking as Robin Williams referred to it in ‘Good Morning Vietnam’. If he has a vile smelling knob, is he the sort of bloke you want to be with anyway?

To combat this issue you could take a sexy shower where you gently and seductively clean the bad boy down and learn the secrets of hooded one eyed trouser snakes. Or you could just tell him to give that thing a good scrub if he wants to stick it inside you any time soon. Either way, it’s not a massive issue to combat.

Foreskin or no foreskin, if the guy knows what he’s doing he should be able to make you oooh when you’re supposed to oooh and aaah when you’re supposed to aaah. You are obviously stepping into the unknown, but remember – change is as good as a holiday.

Now, it would be remiss of Chuck to not leave you with one final warning. What you want to stay on the look out for is phimosis. This is a condition where the male foreskin cannot be fully retracted from the head of the penis. It only occurs in about 1% of males and the only real reason Chuck mentions it is because everyone’s pal – Josef Fritzel was said to suffer from it when he was a child….and we know how he turned out. Chuck encourages you to stay on the look out!