Can Educated European Men be Right?

Recently while fulfilling his duties as a highly successful businessman, Chuck found himself at a conference that required a stay in a hotel (no, this tale does not involve call girls – stay with Chuck though). The first night of the conference saw an opening dinner and key note speaker* that invariably lead to a few bottles of red wine being polished off. Chuck hobnobbed accordingly for a few hours and at 8.45pm retired to his room. A short while later there was a tap on the door. Chuck answered to find a colleague and obligingly invited him in.

*The speech was conducted by the president of an extremely prominent Australian corporation. Chuck points this out only so that he can highlight how bad the speech was. Clearly he had not written his own speech and must have only laid eyes on it 3 minutes before he took the stage as he stammered and stuttered throughout. He also ended so abruptly that many in attendance thought that he’d suddenly experienced a bout of diarrhea. And to think he’s likely on a 7 figure salary!

Being relatively early, the colleague thought the idea of a nightcap sounded like a grand plan. Chuck had a spare bottle of wine and promptly poured two glasses. After 20 minutes or so, the colleague jumped up and headed for the bathroom. Chuck thought nothing of it and upon the colleagues return continued a lively conversation. After an hour or so, the colleague excused decided to retire for the evening.

Chuck completed his regime of 350 nightly push-ups and headed to the bathroom to clean up in preparation for bed. As Chuck entered the bathroom, he was immediately struck by the sight of the toilet seat being down (the seat, not the lid).  Surely his colleague had not taken a number 2 in Chuck’s crapper? Chuck immediately felt violated and had to brush his teeth using bottled water.

Chuck decided not to pursue the issue any further.

However, the next afternoon Chuck and his colleague found themselves in another colleagues room while working on a proposal. Chuck couldn’t help himself and had to ask the second colleague his thoughts on the etiquette of shitting in another mans hotel room. After detailing what transpired the evening before, the second colleague immediately stated that it was completely out of line and inappropriate.

Before Chuck and the second colleague could mock the first colleague mercilessly over this faux pas, he had leapt to his feet and offered:

“No, no, no, I didn’t take a crap, I took a piss”

This lead to uproarious laughter at the thought of a male colleague sitting down to urinate. His response to this laughter was:

“In Europe (he is European), educated men sit down to piss”

Aside from being hilarious, what also amused was the fact he classified himself as an educated man and then used the word ‘piss’ in the same sentence.

Once Chuck and the second colleague managed to compose themselves, they pressed their colleague on the topic. He was absolutely resolute that when urinating he sat down -the exception to the rule being in public toilets. His rationale was that sitting down was cleaner, more efficient and allowed for the opportunity to change ones mind – that is, say you first sat down to wee, well while you are there you may then take the opportunity to poo. This opportunity to change your plans would not be there if you were standing to piss.

The last point resulted in another round of robust laughing.

Once Chuck finished laughing, the colleague looked at him in all seriousness and said:

“You’ve just had a baby Chuck. All’s well now, but think about when she starts to crawl and pull herself up. What happens to be the perfect height for babies to grab onto and pull themselves up on? A toilet bowl. And if you’ve pissed all over it, what’s going to be in the babies mouth?” He then performed a slobbering sound like a baby slurping on a rim loaded with stale urine.

Chuck was stunned, the colleague did make a point.

From that afternoon on, Chuck monitored his urinating like a hawk. Was he able to consistently hit the bowl without any stray pee heading towards the floor or onto the bowl?

No! But upon close inspection it wasn’t too bad.

Anyway, Chuck was in the bathroom a day after arriving home from the conference when Mrs Long asked if he could smell anything. Not realizing that it was a rhetorical question, Chuck said “no” to which Mrs Long responded, “it smells like a men’s urinal in there”

Chucks first thought was to wonder how on earth Mrs Long knew what a men’s urinal smelled like. The second thought concerned a lifetime of sitting down to piss!

Daddy's Little Girl

Chuck,

I’m 20 and dating a girl of the same age who I go to uni with. We both live with our parents but quite some distance apart so spending time together usually means hanging at one of our houses. Her dad is really protective which makes things difficult but even worse he is totally intimidating (he is massive, smart and doesn’t have a sense of humour). How am I supposed to tackle this?

Bob

Bob,

You’re talking to a freshly minted father of a little girl, so Chuck’s best advice to you is to stay the fuck away from the poor bloke’s daughter! Stick to beating off into a sock!

Ok, so Chuck realises that that’s probably not what you wanted to hear in this situation, but put yourself in this guy’s shoes. He was once just like you, itching to stick his dick in any available hole. In fact he probably got up to way more devious shit than you and his girl ever will (considering he grew up in the 60’s or 70’s and they got up to mischief back in the day). The fact that he was once a sexual deviant only makes his paranoia worse now, since he’d be so out of touch with reality that he thinks all the kids would be doing the shit he once did - when in reality all kids do these days is make explicit home videos and post them on public forums*.

*Actually, he’s probably such a sexual misfit that he’s seen these vids online and is scared to death of stumbling across his little lady!

In all seriousness, within 3 minutes of learning that Mrs Long had pumped out a daughter, Chuck was already forming plans to move to remote locations in order to limit the contact daughter Long will have with greasy little walking erections who want nothing more than to violate young women. Another upside to moving to a remote location is the willingness of country folk to accept cults in to their community which is definitely what Chuck would form if he ever went bush – buts that’s a whole other post.

Back to being serious again. Chuck always wondered why dads got over-protective with their daughters right up until he was in possession of one. Then it became plainly obvious. Chuck would like to think he wouldn’t be difficult to prospective boyfriends but there would have to be some upside to being moderately intimidating, wouldn’t there? In fact, on a recent business trip Chuck hit the gym with a coworker who openly stated that he wanted to stay in shape “just in case” his daughter brought home an undesirable that may be scared off by a dad who appears to be able to handle himself (it’s important to note that this coworkers child is yet to turn 2). The scary thing is, Chuck started to lift harder then and there!

Every father has been in the position that you’re in Bob. At some stage in their life they have taken a shine to some pretty little thing and done everything in their power to put a length into it. It’s this past behaviour that drives the present. It doesn’t matter how gentlemanly you are about boning his daughter; the simple fact is you’re deflowering his baby girl. As much as Chuck applauds any dude in his efforts to get pussy, Chuck is fairly sure that initially he would be somewhat of a wanker in order to hopefully delay the inevitable.

So how the hell do you deal with it?

A couple of things you should not do: 

• Don’t have your hand up his daughter’s skirt when he walks into the living room and catches you on the couch.
• As you leave his house, do not do burn outs in his drive way.
• Don’t get wasted at any family events you’re invited to.
• Limit physical displays of affection in his presence.
• Don’t mention that you were too stoned to go to class.
• Don’t show off the sweet new tattoo you just got. 

A couple of things you can do to help the situation: 

• Try to bring a bottle of wine over if you’re ever invited to dinner.
• No matter what a scumbag you are in real life, try to present the image of a fine upstanding citizen in his presence – that includes looking presentable and making an effort to make conversation.
• Speaking of which, while you’re still trying to win him over, try to do some homework on his hobbies, interests and career (no matter how boring) so that you can hold court with him and appear intelligent.
• Find secluded cul de sacs and get down to business in the back of the car. 

It’s important that you are respectful but also not intimidated. Just like dogs smell fear, so do dads. Despite his size, intellect and lack of humour, the chance that he is going to beat you mentally or physically is minimal. In addition to this, you have the advantage in that you are porking his girl. Keep this in the back of your mind when he intimidates you – you’re winning after all!

In Chuck’s expert opinion, most dads just want a sense that a guy is going to do the right thing by their daughter. Unfortunately you’re 20 years old so the likelihood that you’re going to chop up his girl and break her heart are about as high as the likelihood that she’ll cheat on you with half of the local football club.

You need to make an effort to demonstrate to him that you are a decent bloke but at the end of the day, some dads are just flat out dicks and you can never win them over. Chuck is sure that he will rationalize the inevitable truth that his little girl will some day get down to business. Many men are unable to do so. In that instance there isn’t much you can do to make the situation better other than to sneak around behind his back, and pray like hell that you don’t knock her up since that will just vindicate his original concern. 

The one advantage to him not loosening up is that when your girlfriend does inevitably cheat on you with the footy team, you can take a parting shot at the old man by suggesting that at least you were good enough to only put one dick in her at a time!