Reality Bytes: Tossed Salad

Dear Chuck,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a number of years and he seems to have a real aversion to the hand jobs that I give him. I’ve had very little success in getting him to come and I get the distinct impression that he just doesn’t like my technique.

What can I do?

Ramona

Dear Ramona

The old rusty trombone.

We haven’t had a hand shandy story at Reality Bytes since Jesus was a lad (is it bad to talk about whacking someone off and Jesus in the same sentence?? Chuck just called his local Church and was told that it’s no problem if the whackee and the whacker are married). This is a fantastic opportunity for Chuck to unload every euphemism for masturbating in his repertoire.

Chuck needs to be honest here, your technique is probably shabby. Look, it’s widely acknowledged that men are useless when it comes to clitoral stimulation which sometimes is a bit unfair when you consider that it’s pea sized and hidden away and 50% of men have fingers the width of chorizo sausages making manual dexterity fairly difficult. Just because the average male penis sticks out like dogs balls, doesn’t make operating the machinery any easier.

Now, Chuck needs to preface that last statement by saying that the man’s situation will often determine how likely he is to spurt. If a man and woman have been dating and have yet to have intercourse, then it is highly likely that a wristy will cause the spillage of his mans sauce (unless of course the woman’s technique resembles the act of punching someone). If the man is under 23, manual stimulation will cause an eruption (with the speed of said eruption increasing as the age decreases – an 18 year old will dump his beans in 30 seconds flat!) If a couple have been together for some period of time – your situation Ramona, then it is highly likely that he doesn’t blow or enjoy it or both because he has tasted the honey of your other offerings.

A critical thing to consider in all of this is a man’s ‘Order of Sprog’.

“Order of Sprog?” Chuck hears you asking the co-worker in the cubicle next to you.

Yes, the Order of Sprog.

Quite simply, this is the ranked preferences a man has for getting a shot of. For the sake of this argument, Chuck is going to use the normal distribution bell curve, where the mean “preferred ways to ejaculate” tends to cluster around “vagina”. In layman’s terms, Chuck is talking about ‘normal’ blokes. Since we are discussing a woman flogging her boyfriend’s trouser snake, Chuck will be considering heterosexual males in this stunning example of higher level thinking.

Right, so for most normal blokes the Order of Sprog is as follows

1)    Vagina
2)    Mouth
3)    Partners Hand
4)    Own Hand

*Important note – anus trumps all on the list but no normal bloke gets it regularly enough for it to be considered. Its very much like Christmas – everyone loves Christmas.

* Another important note – there is a significant gap between point 2 and point 3

* One more important note – point 3 & 4 may be interchangeable. Sometimes having a quick wank is a much preferable option to the rigamorole and RSI that results from a salad tossing (when the girl does it). On top of that, every bloke hopes to Christ that the female will get incredibly aroused from the act of stroking his man sausage and will insist upon intercourse -Invariably there is an element of disappointment to having a load done by hand. At least tossing yourself off meets all of your expectations.

Since you have been dating your boyfriend for a few years, Chuck’s assuming that you’ve had sex. One quick glance at the above list will indicate that his preference is your Va Jay Jay closely followed by your mouth. Now if you’d never had sex but had swallowed his manhood before, then he would eschew your hand for your mouth. Your problem is that you’ve given up the magic and now cheapened the rest of your act.

Oh and probably your technique is rotten.

Fortunately, Chuck isn’t one to criticise your style without providing some coaching to assist you in taking it to the next level. It is important to remember that every guy has something that works for him, so Chuck’ll give you some basic principles and you can add some twists once you’ve refined your game.

Chuck has done exhaustive research on the topic and found a 10 step guide that is sure to have your man spurting each and every time. Oddly enough, Chuck found these steps at eHow.com. After typing in “how to wank off a bloke” with no luck, Chuck got radical and tried “How to milk a cow”, low and behold there was a simple guide that parallels the art of turning a blokes crank shaft (Chucks comments in red):

Milk at the same time daily. In a man’s perfect world
Sit on the same side of the cow each day. This will help your cow feel more comfortable - cows like routine. Chuck concurs, comfort is important and men like a routine
Place cow in a stanchion if this makes you feel more at ease. If your cow is an old hand at being milked, this probably won't be necessary. Ask the farmer you purchased her from what her routine was with the farmer. True, communication is imperative
Place stool at a right angle to the cow and sit with your head resting on her flank. Or your mans balls
Wash udder with warm water and clean cloth. Mmmmm The thought of a warm, moist towel on Chuck’s cack ‘n’ balls is enough to get the blood flowing
Place pail under teats. Or tissues
Take a teat into the palm of your hand. Although dexterity and fine motors skills will be better if you use your fingers
Squeeze teat at top with thumb and forefinger. Continue squeezing each finger around teat, forcing milk in a stream until all fingers are around teat. The teat (or head) is the most sensitive part. The shaft is for show only, it does nothing, focus on the teat!
Release teat. The on off pressure is the key, work it girl!
Repeat until only a small amount of milk comes out and the udder is soft to the touch. Preferably you’d want a lot of man milk to come out. Stop once he goes soft.