The Love Boat

Hi Chuck,

With Queen Mary recently berthing in Sydney, my girlfriend has been pestering my about going on a cruise with her. I’m always up for something different, but I thought I’d run the concept by you first since you seem to have a solid grasp on reality for the most part.

Thanks

Tina

Hi Tina,

Chuck appreciates you recognising the good work that goes down at Reality Bytes. If more people took the time to consider Chuck’s common sense and insight there would be significantly less facial piercings and place in time tattooing going on that’s for sure!

When considering a holiday, it’s really important to determine what your purpose or goals are for said holiday. For example, say that you have recently been through a tough break up; you’d likely be looking for an escape where you could shag random strangers and drink yourself silly. Hence you select Bali. If you are a young couple expecting your first child, perhaps you decide to hit some historic destinations that would be less accessible with a small child (e.g. Rome). Very rarely do people book a trip with no idea of what they want to explore, see or experience.

Now, if your goal is to be a floating semen receptacle then your first choice for a holiday is a cruise.

Before any 60 + years of age readers start putting calligraphy pens to paper in order to voice their complaints to Chuck about slandering cruises, Chuck needs to state that he is referring to the recent spate of cruises that are catering to the ‘youth’ market as opposed to the cruises that gather 2000 or so middle aged citizens, drift out into the ocean and proceed to leach retirement funds out of them at every port through over priced meals, gambling and tacky cocktails.

Chuck is glad to have cleared that up – wouldn’t want to offend any of the readers in aged care.

Tina, two young single females walking onto a cruise ship is like the fuckwit who climbs down into a lion enclosure at the zoo – except in this instance, the fuckwit is draping fresh steaks off himself. Think about it, once you’re in, there’s no getting out. You’re trapped and the predators will see fresh meat and immediately start devising plans to consume you as quickly (and as painfully) as possible.

Blokes are on these vessels are looking to pull pussy. It’s plain and simple. Do you really think a group of men in the age range of 18-35 are looking to get some sun, unwind and relax because they have really stressful jobs and need a break? Of course not, they’re on the high seas big game fishing and Chuck will not hear it differently.

Since Chuck excited himself so thoroughly with the “lion enclosure at the zoo” analogy, it’s time to try another one. Going on a cruise is like going to the shittiest night club you can think of. Chuck’s talking garish lighting, bad music, terrible outfits (floral shirts and men in sandals), sunburn and brutal pickup lines. Do you have a clear picture in your mind? Now multiply that experience by at least 7. 7 represents the number of nights that you are likely trapped in this shit box nightclub. But wait, this awesome analogy is not over. Just imagine that you drink a little too much (or someone drops a splash of rohypnol in your pina colada) and you end up sleeping with some slapper with too much product in his hair. In real life, you could wake up, gnaw off your arm and escape into the night with only your conscience to deal with for the rest of your life (and potentially the Chlamydia he passed onto you – at least until you have it cleared up). Unfortunately, on this floating night club, you’re confronted with the fact that you’ll likely run into this plastic haired duded again and again and again and again. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare!

Chuck’s not finished

In real life, if you ploughed this guy and inexplicably ran into him again a week or two later, man law states that only he can have a crack at you again. His mates aren’t allowed to line you up for a length unless he states that he is uninterested. Unfortunately, once you hit international waters all bloke rules fall by the wayside, meaning that not only will this guy have a crack at you again, his mates will also circle your carcass knowing full well that you are more than happy to partake in one night stands (there is a 100% chance that every detail of your encounter has been shared with his mates plus other details that didn’t occur but make him sound more prolific as a lover). They will be pack hunting but not as a team – each guy will be out to get his. You will be subjected to ruthless backstabbing and extremely cheesy pick up lines all night long*.

*Please note, a smart bloke will partner with a friend to play good cop / bad cop. This involves one dude running crass or dodgey pick up lines on you. You’ll obviously fend him off (unless you just sucked down a rohypnol daiquiri). After an unrelently wave of bullshit, he gives up. This is where the tag team occurs. His mate then sidles up and actually plays the role of semi decent bloke. Of course, his semi decentness is magnified by 200% after his buddy just came off as a stroker (in fact, mate number 2 may end up looking like the second coming of prince charming). Anyway, the combination of alcohol and his perceived charm leads to you allowing him to carve you up. Win to the dodgey blokes!

Who says Chuck doesn’t help?

Cruises are like contiki tours used to be. Back in the day, you’d pack 6 pairs of knickers, set off for Europe, see a few sights, bang some smelly Europeans and smoke copious amounts of weed. It is what it is. In fact, in some dictionaries contiki is actually defined as ‘sex in multiple locations’. At least if you said you were going on a contiki tour, people automatically knew that you were sick of missionary position sex with your high school boyfriend and appreciated the fact that you needed to broaden your horizons. Cruises still attempt to exude an element of exoticness and mysticism when in reality all they are is a floating contiki tour – its false advertising.

A single woman on a cruise will never be viewed as an exotic adventurer. You’re a walking vagina with steak hanging off it.....and the lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, jackals, panthers and vultures are sculpting their hair in preparation for the feeding frenzy!