The Sure Shot

Dear Chuck,

My wife and I have been trying to fall pregnant for some time now. We’re both getting frustrated and sex feels like a chore. Before we turn to methods such as IVF, I thought I’d get some insight from you in the hope that you can save us time, money and frustration

Cheers

TJ.

Dear TJ,

Isn’t it funny how a 17 year old girl can toddle off to schoolies week, imbibe one to many vodka cruisers, drunkenly pash on with multiple adolescent boys, end up at a dark and dingy party and invariably fall onto the permanently aroused dick of some lucky scamp. Despite the fact that the teenage lad probably got 2-3 pumps in before he prematurely ejaculated, his marijuana addled sperm somehow found its way into her uterus where her pickled ovum lay waiting. Her egg, clearly under the influence puts up less resistance than if it was sober and the next thing you know we have an unwanted teenage pregnancy to a dude that she barely remembers. Totally romantic!

TJ it’s quite fortunate for you that Mrs Long is at this very moment ‘with child’ which makes Chuck even more of an expert than normal. As an avid reader of Reality Bytes you’d probably assume that Chuck managed to knock up Mrs Long the moment she pulled the goalie (went off birth control). And you know what, Chuck even thought that would be the case. When you couple prodigious physical attributes, unbelievable stamina and intellect, it only seems fair that you’d conceive straight away since God or Darwin would want you to have your super sperm in the general population as soon as possible.

So it’ll come as a surprise that Chuck didn’t have Mrs Long up the duff after the first dalliance. Yes, that information is probably as crushing to you as it was to Chuck’s ego. It’s Chucks fault, he allows himself to be a role model to the readers. Fortunately it was the second try! Chuck hopes you forgive him for letting you down.

All of Chuck’s bullshit aside, the simple truth is that making a baby just isn’t as easy as one would have you think.

As you know TJ, Chuck isn’t a qualified medical practitioner so you’re not going to get any mumbo jumbo about sperm count and all that crap. A couple of simple things to try would be a fertility test for both you and your wife and looser underwear to keep your cack and balls cool.

Trying to produce spawn is an emotional roller coaster. You go at it like dogs on heat for a few weeks and then anxiously wait to see if anything sticks. When it doesn’t, there is frustration, sadness and sometimes anger. Rinse and repeat until the result changes. On top of that you have people’s expectations and emotions that can both impede the outcome but also fracture the relationship.

Chuck’s approach was very simple – present Mrs Long with an unrelenting wave of semen that left her ovaries with no choice but to surrender. If Chuck was a general he’d have won every war he ever commanded and you’d be mentioning his name with some of histories greatest strategists. Now not everyone has Chuck’s mental and physical stamina so it’s important that you tailor an approach that works for you.

Chuck always finds it hard to believe that people’s sex lives could become a chore. The key is to maintain the status quo. If you make love to your wife 4 times per week, keep that pace up. Don’t try and add more to the cycle, stick with what works. If you only pork your wife once per fortnight, then you may want to ask yourself why you’re even trying to reproduce.

It is also critical to identify her nitro zone – that is, the period of time when she is at her most fertile. That is when you need to bring the thunder, delivering air raids at every available moment. Don’t worry about temperatures and all that mickey mouse stuff, just fill her poontang with man milk at every opportunity. The key is to have her tubes bursting at the seams.

Too many people seem to lose the joy of sex when they’re trying for a kid, which is a bit weird to Chuck. There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that once you start mind fucking yourself and thinking that it’s never going to happen that it doesn’t happen.

TJ, Chuck would encourage you and your wife to take another six months and get after it. Make an effort to make the intercourse enjoyable and satisfying. Identify her hot zone and drop the hammer on her as only you can.

If after six months there’s still no result, go and buy yourself the most expensive pedigree dog you can find. You’ll either get pregnant almost straight away or quickly morph into one of those weird couples that treat their pets like children and end up attending swinger’s parties.