The Unspoken Right of (Back) Passage

A couple of weeks ago, Chuck recounted a tale about a dump taken 30,000 feet in the air and promised to return to the grander issue of crapping at a later stage. The following email landed in the Reality Bytes inbox:

Chuck,

What is it with men and using the toilet? My boyfriend literally spends hours on the loo. What on earth is he doing?

Lola

Lola,

You have touched on an issue very dear to Chuck’s heart (or more accurately, sphincter). The male dumping experience is not unlike an ancient martial art, passed down from father to son, from generation to generation. It is an unspoken right of back passage that takes years to fully develop and master. As mentioned in a previous post, Chuck is a horrific crapper – not in the “cant get it out sense” but more in the “cant get it out if not located on the home toilet”. If Chuck was a sporting team, the home and road splits would be drastic. Chuck’s a creature of habit and the home throne provides a significant home court advantage. The familiarity, the sight lines and the extensive reading material make for a grand experience. In a foreign toilet, all bets are off and Chuck never quite finds the necessary happy place needed to take masterful dumps.

If it sounds like Chuck has thought about this a little too much, you’re absolutely right.

Interestingly enough, at one of Chuck and Mrs. Long’s birthing classes, the physiotherapist actually chastised the ladies for pooing too fast. Her exact quote was “men got one thing right”. Apparently you’re meant to let your faeces slowly make it’s way out of your body by relaxing and raising your knees. Women have the tendency to try and power poop, risking hemorrhoids and burst eye balls as they tense their entire bodies trying to explode a turd out and thus maintain the false pretense that they don’t actually shit.

This isn’t meant to be a post discussing the best ways to crap, but since we’re on the topic, other than sitting on the throne, squatting is your next best option. Chuck would recommend that you try to get your feet at least shoulder width apart if your going to try this because you don’t want to dirty up your new Nike sneakers and perhaps it would be a good idea to mix in some squats because the last thing you want is your thighs quivering and then a sudden collapse into a fresh steaming pile of poop.

Chuck would love to tell you that the reason men take so long to take a dump is because they are conscious of treating their bodies respectfully and are in tune with the best ways to extract fecal matter. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Blokes just like sitting on the shitter, getting as much ‘me’ time as they can while enjoying the pleasures of a good expulsion. Don’t let any guy tell you otherwise, there is nothing more satisfying than a good bowel movement. Done properly it can set your day up to run to perfection.

So what does a guy do whilst taking a crap, Chuck hears female readers ask? Well typically a bloke will read. Today pay attention to blokes moving through the office. If you see a guy walking reasonably briskly with a newspaper, it is a sure sign that he is heading for the can. Chuck will add that this is absolutely disgusting! Not the reading on the toilet part, the taking the public newspaper to the toilet and coating it with airborne shit particles part. Chuck does not want to read some other dudes crap molecules at anytime. Despite how disgusting this is, there is always a group of males who do not care who sees them heading to the toilet with the financial review and in fact are more than happy to stroll to the loo with it tucked under their arm.

A more alarming trend in this era of electronic media is the number of men who will either text message or email from their phone while dropping gator bait. On numerous occasions Chuck has heard gents tapping away on their phone whilst on the bogger. Imagine people’s reactions if they found out they just received an email or text mid crap? Chuck has now challenged himself to close a business deal while taking a deuce. Of course it would forever be labeled a ‘shit hot’ deal.

Worse than electronic correspondence on the toilet is dudes who will happily take a phone call whilst taking a William Shatner. You’d never drop trouser during a meeting and pinch one, so why think that you can talk and crap at the same time?

In Chuck’s crapping career, perhaps the worse move ever sighted was a male colleague vanishing into a cubicle with a lap top. Of course Chuck was intrigued to know what piece of work couldn’t wait for the dump to finish. In hindsight, perhaps it wasn’t work that the laptop was being used for.

Another oft asked question by women regarding male defecation is “how do you know when its time to finish?” Simple, when there is no more to come out or your legs start to go numb. Funnily enough, it’s normally the numbness that puts an end to it. Men will sit on the crapper despite having finished pooping 15 minutes earlier, especially if whatever it is that they’re reading is interesting. The minute pins and needles kicks in, it’s time to get up. No guy ever wants to cut off all circulation to his feet and inadvertently kill their foot tissue. Nothing would be more embarrassing than having your feet amputated and then having to tell people that you mistimed a shit. Although every bloke would nod knowingly.

Men are very much like elite athletes when it comes to dumping. As they get older they learn the tricks of the trade (printing off good articles for reading on the loo, only ever buying paper backs for easy smuggling or building a sweet magazine rack). A man’s crapping prime lasts from about the age 18 to 45. After 45, the body begins to betray the male with things like joint pain preventing lengthy stays on the thrown or worse yet, a hardening of the stool which makes passage much more difficult (and accounts for the grunting and heavy breathing you often hear from older men). It’s a sad day for men when the realization hits them that they are no longer a champion crapper.

For women, a bowel movement is an inconvenience, to be dealt with as swiftly as possible. For men, it’s a significant part of the day and must be planned accordingly. Many men will have their designated “bog” time where their bodies are able to deliver stool almost to the minute each day. Others have elaborate routines that may involve the ingestion of coffee, a 5 minute wait and then the arrival of the brown train. Every man has his own technique for effectively getting the job done.

Lola, go forward in poopy enlightenment!