The Mile High Turd Club

Ok, So Chuck’s back on board after a spirited New York sojourn. In hindsight, dragging a heavily pregnant Mrs long through a city like New York may not have been the most sensible move since it’s not really the sort of place that allows rest and relaxation. Having said that, she proved once again that she’s an absolute trooper and held up like the thoroughbred she is.

Rather than write up a third instalment of the holiday, Chuck’ll just rattle off a couple of interesting highlights and lowlights and then get onto the guts of the discussion for today.

Highlight

Attending a baseball game at venerable Fenway Park in Boston. This was a very special occasion for Chuck, right up until we found our seats and realised where Mrs Long was sitting:

(please note, Chuck used his charm to secure better seats)

Lowlight

Walking through Times Square and being accosted by touters for comedy shows. Their question is always “hey do you like comedy?” which is annoying because no one dislikes comedy. Chuck has decided that being asked if he likes comedy is something that he hates.

Highlight

Attending a taping of ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’.  While being accosted in Times Square by comedy show touters, one young lady was spruiking free tickets to The Late Show. It was a bit of rigmarole to get into the show – having to arrive at a certain time and having to endure the people trying to pump up the crowd before you even enter the venue. However, the Ed Sullivan theatre was a cool place and the show was quite interesting. It was also the first time that Chuck and Mrs Long cashed in on her pregnancy by getting priority seating (thus enabling the Long team to jump the queue). To make matters more interesting, Courtney Love’s corpse was the special guest and she unveiled her new band and song.

Lowlight

Abercrombie and Fitch is somewhat of a pretentious clothing brand for US college students. Having said that, they do make decent threads and you can’t get it in Australia so Chuck had a list of items to purchase from a broad array of people. Unfortunately it’s a popular place and had queues for people trying to get in. You could actually smell the aftershave that they sell from outside of the store like they pump it through the store air-conditioning. Additionally they typically have a model that stands inside the doorway showing off their six-pack. Needless to say, Chuck did not line up.

Highlight

Watching a Broadway show - La Cage aux Folles after purchasing 50% off tickets and getting sensational seats. To top it off, the show was also really great – although sitting so close to the stage did allow Chuck to see how much spittle was fired out of the performer’s mouths as they sang each number.

Lowlight

Tipping. It sucks balls paying someone extra to do their job. The worst instance? Typically you have to check out of a hotel at 10am. If your next flight isn’t until later, leaving your bags in storage at the hotel is a good way to continue sightseeing without having to drag luggage around. The downside to this is when you go to pick them up again, some dude has to retrieve them and then expects you to slip them 5 bones for the first bag and a dollar for each bag thereafter. In Chuck’s opinion, that is bullshit.

Highlight

Pizza at Gramaldi’s. Easily the best pizza that Chuck has ever had.

Lowlight

Someone dropping a stinking turd on the 14-hour flight home, and not flushing.

Which leads us to today’s talk point. What’s the etiquette on crapping on a plane? The issue arises after a visibly shaken Mrs. Long returned to her seat on the return flight home and mentioned that she had entered the toilet cubicle, only to be greeted by a snarling log that hadn’t been flushed down. The experience had rattled her so badly that her urge to urinate was lost. Of course Chuck wanted to know all of the details (size, shape, colour, consistency) but Mrs Long’s mind had already gone into the process of blocking the entire encounter.

So lets talk air turds.

Now Chuck isn’t the best away-from-home dumper at the best of times. In fact, if Chuck was a sporting team and shitting was his sport, his home and away record would be something along the lines of 12000 – 3 (with the 3 being the time in Thailand where Chuck took laxatives to ease the congestion and then proceeded to clear out his entire digestive track. Chuck may have also been the only person to ever buy laxatives in Thailand, as evidenced by the confused look in the chemists eye when he asked for them). Anyway, the whole ‘taking a turd’ topic will be explored in full in a subsequent post.

Now ordinarily you don’t hear about women laying down grizzly turds and they’re generally very diligent in the disposal of poo. Ask yourself, how often do you ever find a lady leaving rotten skid marks or forgetting to flush? So Chuck is going to green light women shitting in-flight. It’s the blokes who need to be banned.

It’s important to think about the carry on effects of taking a monstrous shatner on an airplane. First and foremost, everyone on that plane is breathing shared air so if you drop solid beef and don’t flush, those shit particles in the air will quickly be recycled through the air-conditioning and pumped into everyone’s face for rapid consumption. The stench is another matter since it gets captured and condensed in a confined space and then suddenly released as an unwitting soul quickly opens the door. Once that smell is unleashed, it gets in people’s clothes and pores and the entire plane smells like a flying barn.

On top of all that, think about the poor sucker who stumbles across the wolf bait. They open the door and even passengers who may have been sleeping are suddenly jolted awake by the thick stinking air that is thrust upon them. And who do they pin that on? The person standing by the shitter. So for the remainder of the trip that person is black listed as having laid a gruesome stinking deuce. Mrs Long said that she was so shaken by what she saw that she immediately left the toilet without doing her business or flushing the other persons. The next person going in would have seen that beast straight away and associated it with Mrs. Long!

Men are renowned for dropping hulking turds that aren’t always handled well by plane toilet flushing mechanisms. Without Chuck performing exhaustive research on flush power in airline toilets, its safe to say that many male bogs are simply too dense to be flushed, thus leaving disgusting reminders for following users.

With all that in mind, Chuck has to outlaw the male in-flight shit. It’s just an unpleasant experience for everyone involved. Granted some flights stretch into 20 hours but Chuck would like to think that the vast majority of blokes could clench the sphincter and hold it until the plane touches down. Of course airlines don’t always help the cause with some of the cuisine that they serve, but unfortunately their chefs aren’t onboard for your anus to protest to.