Tattooed Dragon Girl Playing Kick with Fire Hornets

Before Chuck launches into today’s question, it’s probably prudent to follow up on last week’s post that centered on Walter, who was seeking advice on whether or not he should take a crack at his older out-of-town female division manager, since he was about to finish up in his job. There have been a couple of emails into the Reality Bytes inbox inquiring about the outcome, so Chuck fired an email off to his young protégé to find out what went down.

Here’s Walter’s response:

Chuck,

Your email had me all sparked up! I made sure that I dressed super suave, threw on the panty loosening after shave and rehearsed what I was going to say and when.

Just after lunch I was at my workstation when my division manager walked up to me and started to chat, asking how I was doing, where I was going and generally being really nice.

Needless to say I completely went to water and couldn’t pull the trigger. I was too embarrassed to try.

I have replayed the interaction over in my head and I reckon I had a shot.

F*ck me

Walter

Our boy Walter with a bad case of “Fear of Failure”. Chuck’ll be sure to have a post on that very topic in the coming weeks.

Anyway, on to today’s question:

Dear Chuck,

Being a man of the world (self proclaimed), I’m sure you’ve read Stieg Larsson’s trilogy – Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest, Girl who played with Fire.  They’re immensely popular books and I’d like to hear your thoughts on them.

Thanks

Bobbi

Bobbi, yes Chuck has taken the time to read all 115,000 pages of Larsson’s epic trilogy and definitely has some thoughts on his work. For those of you unawares, Steig Larsson was a Swedish journo and writer who cranked out a Millenium Trio (the three aforementioned books) in his spare time. He only got around to finding a publisher in 2004, but before the books hit the shelves he died of a massive heart attack. The books were eventually published and went on to sell 27 million copies in over 40 countries – not too dusty.

More interestingly due to his reporting on extremist groups Larsson never married his long term partner, because under Swedish law married couples have to make their addresses publicly available meaning that the loony bins he wrote about would be able to track him down. This is interesting because it meant that his inheritance didn’t go to his partner but to his father and brother (who, it was rumoured, he wasn’t close to). They have subsequently squeezed his partner out of any royalties, which obviously sucks balls since she had to put up with him cracking boners over computer nerd emo chicks.

Anytime a guy can spit out 3 sizeable, interconnected novels (and reportedly had ¾ of a 4^th and the framework for 5 & 6), you have to tip your hat. Chuck isn’t going to sit here and criticise Larsson’s literary chops, nor is a detailed plot analysis going to take place (since some readers may not have indulged as yet). What Chuck will say is that the books are an entertaining read that will chew up plenty of your time, (due to the length) and hold your attention.

So what is Chuck going to talk about?

The one legitimate turd in the punchbowl that continually occurs throughout all 3 books. What’s the turd you ask?

Spoiler Alert

The fact that the lead male character – Mikael Blomkvist pulls so much pussy and so easily.

This is how it typically works for Blomkvist: He meets a female character, has a fleeting interaction, meets up again, spends more time with her and engages in a detailed conversation, then puts her through the bed springs, maintains  a casual sexual relationship for a period of time, finds a new female to pork or goes back to regular fuck buddy(who happens to be married).

Seriously, he pulls more flange than John Mayer and for the most part it’s A1 premium Kobe beef!

No man gets laid that easily unless he’s a movie star or superstar athlete. Those guys get women for being those guys – well known and wealthy (and in some cases attractive – Shane Warne clearly demonstrates that looks are not always on top of the list). We’ve all heard of women throwing themselves at these people and this can be the only instance where a dude gets snatch that easy. No work required.

For some guys there may be instances where the stars align and they find themselves with a woman who gets a little frisky, takes a shine and the next thing they know they’re nut deep. Yes, it does happen, Chuck’s just saying that it DOES NOT happen at the rate at which is seems to happen for Blomkvist. Even guys with absolutely magnetic and winning personalities do not get quality ongoing minge like Bloomkvist does. Other factors that lead the whole situation to be unbelievable is that he is a journalist (name one good looking male journalist?), he is only a minor celebrity and he isn’t wealthy.

In fact, Blomkvist’s ability to bed women got so ridiculous that Chuck started to get somewhat distracted by it. Almost every female character that got introduced into the trilogy ended up at the end of Blomkvist’s meat sword. As soon as a woman was mentioned Chuck started to try to figure out how he was going to feed it to her.

It was just totally unbelievable although Chuck could be grossly underestimating how they roll in Sweden. Perhaps all Swedish men are straight out pimps although after a cursory search revealing names like Dolph Lundgren, Alfred Nobel, the dudes from ABBA, Stefan Edberg and Mats Wilander Chuck doubts it.

About the only explanation Chuck can think of for the ease at which Blomkvist gets his end away is that Larsson was living vicariously through him! Think about it, overweight journalist tapping away at a novel every night with a long-term partner – he was trying to spice things up for himself! Unfortunately the thought of all that rumpy pumpy with emaciated, socially retarded emo chicks caused his heart to explode and he wasn’t able to cash in on his own wank fantasies.

Cagey as the Proverbial

Recently as Chuck sat begrudgingly at his keyboard banging away at a report while performing the role of uber successful businessman, an email popped up from one of his protégés. It read:

Hey Chuck,

Hope you are well.

I’m about to finish up in my current job and our division director is in town. The scouting report is as follows: 

• Mid forties
• Cashed up
• Tight body
• Attractive
• Perma single
• A look about her
• Cagey as fuck! 

Do you think I should take a crack at her?

Yours truly

Walter

Obviously receiving an email like that is the equivalent of a swift right cross to the chin. Chuck lives for emails like that at work! In fact Chuck had to get up and get a skinny latte in order to process the situation and provide the right advice.

Right off the bat, Chuck thinks that it’s imperative to highlight the use of the expression “cagey”. Long before “Cougar” came into vogue and evenings such as “Tag a Cougar” became commonplace, good looking older women were referred to as cagey veterans (often shortened to cagey or cagies if they were in a pack). The expression was derived from sporting circles where older players whose skills may have diminished got by on guts and guile. Think about it, an older woman, her once gorgeous looks ravaged by time, still managing to stay in the game by using the tricks of the trade she’s picked up over time (both in the attraction and then most definitely in the bedroom). Kudos to Walt for busting out the cagey line!

If Walt wasn’t leaving his job, Chuck couldn’t endorse taking a run at the most senior person in his division. Way too much at risk if you take the shot and miss. If she gets offended your career is likely to be up shit creek without a paddle. If you give it a shot and manage to nail her it’s going to be awkward around her knowing that you’ve plugged her and she’s seen your wiener….unless of course you manage to keep tapping it in which case its awesome!

Unfortunately, senior people in organizations are often quite protective of their positions and salaries and generally avoid fucking subordinates. Ok, Chuck should amend that to say senior “women” in organizations are often quite protective / sensible. Senior male managers don’t seem to have an issue nailing any piece of junior fluff that they can entice to a hotel (and then expense the bill).

There are likely a number of youngsters out there who wish a good looking, highly successful woman would take them under their wing and bring them into their manhood (while also picking up the bill for dinner and buying Playstation 3 games for them). Unfortunately that doesn’t happen that often and is even rarer in the workplace where most senior women have earned their position and wouldn’t blow it all on some tacker who pops wood when Target has a sale on underwear (ok, so for some women who’ve experienced erectile dysfunction at its finest, perhaps a stiff one is worth the risk).

However, since Walter is leaving Chuck has to say, “go forward young soldier”!

Hang on. (Chuck told you he had to ponder this situation over a latte)

The only thing Walter needs to consider is whether or not this woman can have any influence on his career moving forward. If he works in a fairly niche industry where this woman is a big swinging dick and can easily black mark his name through her contacts then perhaps it’s not so wise to have a dip at her. The last thing you want is to have a jilted lover subtly or not so subtly shitcanning your name all over your chosen industry.

Right, so if you’re leaving and you don’t work in an industry where this woman could ruin you, then Chuck says give it a red-hot go son! How many times in your life can you say you took down the most senior person on your division?

Perhaps the bigger question in this situation however is, “how are you going to pull this off?” It’s not like you can tap on her office door and suggest a quick goodbye shag on her desk instead of a card and a gift voucher.

Chuck would like to think that you’ve received some sort of vibe from her over the time that you’ve known her. Bosses typically hold their employees in 3 types of regard: 

• Fondness
• Disdain
• Apathy 

* Lust can sometimes enter into the equation, but tends to be more applicable to 45-50 year old men and their new 23 year old 6 foot PA who failed her typing test but has a winning personality.

If your boss displays apathy towards you then you have no chance whatsoever. Apathy is commonly displayed by management in the form of having to remind themselves to say hello to you if they bump into you in the elevator.

Disdain is fairly obvious since you’re likely to receive every crap task, never get any credit and be frequently passed over at promotion time. However, if you’re really good looking, sometimes you can parlay this disdain into a hate fuck since your boss may actually be jealous of your looks or secretly in love with you. In most instances however they don’t like you and you have no shot at penetrating them.

You’ll know that your boss is fond of you because they go out of their way to push you along, make small talk and grant you time off in lieu rather than making you take annual leave. There is a difference in fondness however. Yes, a boss can be fond of you and accept your home-made biscuits, but this does not mean that they would allow you to feed them the bone in the boardroom.

If you believe that your boss is fond of you and may be sexually attracted to you then it’s definitely worth the shot Walter. Chuck would recommend that you just get brazen and ask her out for a drink. You mentioned that she is in town (implying that she is normally from out of town) so she’s unlikely to have plans or commitments. You absolutely have to avoid going out in a group setting because it is unlikely that you can put any Gary groundwork into her in front of your colleagues, and there’s zero chance that she would succumb in front of familiar witnesses.

By simply surprise attacking her with the impromptu drink invite you are displaying confidence as well as sending a message. You’re telling her that you have an interest, there’s no hiding that fact. If she says yes, you’re a red hot chance. If she says no, you can rebound quickly simply by saying that you were planning on rounding up a few of the team but if she isn’t coming you won’t bother (then put on your sad face to really sell it). That will make her guilty and you could probably get another 20 bucks out of her on your going away present.

If you get a yes, you need to pick some place out of the way that your colleagues don’t attend (this will make her more comfortable) and have the willpower to not brag to co-workers who may end up cock blocking you by either showing up or talking about it around the office.

Right, so if she says yes and you get her into a bar for a drink, what then? Well Chuck’s not about to divulge all of his secrets but you will definitely need to ply her with a few drinks just to socially lubricate the situation and hope like hell that you can run a semi decent conversation. If you can put an hour to 2 hours of conversation in and things are going well (you’ll need to read the play here), then maintain your ballsy approach and suggest that you go back to her place. You want to do that for a number of reasons, 1) you probably still live with your folks and if not in a grotty share house, 2) she’ll be more comfortable in familiar surrounds, 3) you’ll have an excuse to leave.

While this sounds like a total long shot, Chuck is absolutely pulling for you on this one. It would be a story for the ages.  Just remember though, as athletes age they learn a range of nifty tricks to get themselves out of difficult spots – so make sure you pay attention if the cagey veteran goes for the squirrel grip!

Suited and booted

Hey Chuck, 

I work with a guy who insists on wearing his suit and tie when we go out for drinks after work (typically on Fridays). Most of the other men will at the very least ditch the tie, while others even bring jeans to change in to. I keep telling him that he looks pretentious but he won’t have a bar of it.

I was hoping you could make a ruling on this once and for all.

Cheers

Sammy

Dear Sammy,

You’re emailing a guy who has an unhealthy interest in male fashion, specifically business attire. Where did Chuck get this sick fascination from? It certainly wasn’t from Chuck Snr who works in the corporate sector and has flatly refused to wear a tie everyday of his working career (yes, Chuck did make his wedding black tie, requiring full tuxedo’s and bow ties!). In fact, Chuck has such a passion for couture that one of his greatest regrets in life revolves around not purchasing more than one suit when he stumbled across potentially the greatest bargain in suit buying history…..

On a lunchbreak one day, Chuck found himself standing inside a fantastically garish male suit store owned and operated by a chap named Mario. Mario swanned about in Versace with open collared shirts and his thick black locks, dyed and coiffed to perfection. Despite the look and feel of the store, Mario sported some of the finest suits Chuck had ever encountered. The prices were not cheap, but twice a year Mario would have a sale and Chuck would bite the bullet and outfit himself with a stylish number or two. Mario knew his shit and seemed to enjoy packaging men into his sharp outfits. To top it all off, Mario had a wife of Eastern European decent who smoked 8 inch, super skinny cigarettes and back in her glory days may have been quite the catch (or at least really expensive) – what more could you ask for in a suit shop?

Anyway, Chuck would typically visit Mario’s store once every 6 months – once to scout the suits and once to purchase when they were reduced in price. Around Christmas time after not visiting the store at all in the past year, Chuck decided on a whim to pop his head in the shop. As Chuck walked into the store, a white sheet of paper on the door caught his attention. Chuck backed up to read the document that turned out to be a notice inviting people to Mario’s funeral! Chuck shook his head in disbelief and entered the store to inquire as to Mario’s fate. A friend who was managing the store said Mario had been struck down by lung cancer (potentially from his wife’s second hand smoke).

It seemed inappropriate to buy a suit at that point and Chuck was a bit shaken by the news. What shook Chuck even more however was when he turned to leave and noticed that the suits were now being marked down by about 600%! Chuck left the store forlornly.

Returning the following week in better spirits and with a friend, Chuck snapped up two suits with the in-mourning Eastern European wife doing the selling. She tried all sorts of measures to get Chuck and his friend to pay more, even pulling the old “how will a widow support herself” card but Chuck did not bend. After making the sale, she batted her eyelids and asked for contact details so that if she decided to continue Mario’s suit selling legacy she could send us sale details. Chuck shuddered when the Eastern European proceeded to punch the details directly into her mobile phone. Either Chuck was going to be called upon for a rebound root or she was forwarding the details to her contacts within the Russian mafia.

Figuring that Chuck could feed on this decomposing whale carcass of a suit shop in the very near future, Chuck was mortified to find on his return 2 months later that the shop had been sold and although it contained all of the same stock, the prices had been jacked back up to their original prices! All Chuck had needed to do was make hay while Mario lay in his Armani crushed velour casket….or poke his grieving wife.

Devastating.

Having said all of that, wearing a full suit and tie to after-work drinks is pretty wanky.

If a bloke is ducking out for one or two drinks straight after work then Chuck has no problem with it at all. A post work dinner on a Friday night may also cut it. However, it’s the guys you see at 11pm on a Friday night cutting about in the full bag of fruit that’s the issue. Look, as good as a business suit and tie can look, they just aren’t all that comfortable. To be quite frank, ties serve no purpose whatsoever! They don’t keep you warm, they get in the way and if you are wearing your shirt and tie properly, they are fairly snug around your neck. So there is absolutely no good reason to be wearing one outside of work unless you’re getting married or preparing to bump into a random billionaire who may want to interview you on the spot for you’re dream job. Nothing like being ready Chuck says.

The only way a guy can make it worse is if he does that awful tie loosening trick – undoing the top button and stretching the knot so it simply hangs around the neck. That just looks plain stupid and really only works in Broadway productions where they’re trying to portray some guy down on his luck.

That’s Chuck’s take on the whole situation, so lets quickly examine why your co-worker is being a pretentious knob end.

The only reason a guy wears a full suit and tie to after-work drinks is to indicate to potential dates that he in fact has a job that requires him to wear a suit and tie. In effect, they use the suit and tie as a sign that “yes, I am successful as evidenced by what I wear to work”. This is all well and good if you want people to know that you’re a lawyer or work in high finance, but it can also suggest that you work as a concierge in the foyer of a high-rise building.

Since your co-worker isn’t likely to change with your protestations, Chuck would suggest you encourage him to at least remove the tie in order to stop looking like a try-hard wally. It is imperative however that if he loses the tie, he doesn’t end up looking like this:

Learning to be the man you always wanted to be

When Chuck said he was cracking into the vault and providing a couple of key tips that feature in Chuck’s Mentoring Program (CMP) for young men between the ages 17 & 27, you didn’t think Chuck would just toss out 4 or 5 principles to live by and be done did you? The demand to gain access to this privileged training program is incredibly high and only increased when Chuck shared key learning’s in the last post. Following on from that post, allow Chuck to peel back the covers and give you an insight on what it is like to be mentored into manhood by Chuck Long.


BUYING DRINKS FOR WOMEN TO GET PUSSY IS POOR FORM


This can often be a contentious issue for both young and old men. Young men often feel uncomfortable when the first enter the CMP because they had used alcohol as a social and panty loosener. Being young and less experienced, the use of alcohol to make the situation easier can often become a crux. For older men out, the problem arises when they try and chase young beef and no longer have the looks or ridiculous cash resources to naturally attract girls. Plus buying the drinks allows them to slip in the Rohypnol.


There are obvious exceptions to the rule. An example being the times that you take a woman out on a date that features dinner. As a man you should buy the wine – it’s the gentlemanly thing to do, especially on the first date. If this leads to you getting some action then fair play to you. In this instance, what you need to avoid is pouring 3 aperitifs, an extra bottle of plonk and a cognac down her gullet at dinner, since she’ll end up a sloppy drunk at the table and will likely vomit in the ice bucket. If she can consume all of that and is still coherent, well then you may have just met the world’s greatest female drinker or an alcoholic.


What Chuck is really referring to under this principle if those guys who stand at the bar and shell out a hundred bucks pumping drinks into a woman in the hope that it’ll buy him good fortune. For starters, most women have wizened up and will actually take your drinks all night and then leave you with the bill (and if they’re really cagey, they’ll have you buying for a friend under the guise of a potential three way). If you do manage to pull it off, you’ll live with the stigma that you payed for the experience – you may as well have visited a hooker (plus a prostitute is more likely to dress up as a priest for you). In some instances, the woman you poured drinks into all night and you actually end up dating. Guess what happens to you? You become horribly pussy whipped and live your life as a door mat.


DO YOUR DAMNDEST TO BE IN GOOD PHYSICAL CONDITION


Between the ages of 17 and 27, men have the metabolism of a nuclear reactor which is why those that are moderately active can consume hamburgers and coke like air and still fall out of bed looking like they have 4% body fat. The young tubs of lard you see barrelling around the place are typically the ones who list their sport of choice as Wii. While you’re young and your body turns fat to muscle when you chew, Chuck is a big advocate of being in tip top physical shape. It is extremely easy for men this age to hit a gym on a semi regular basis and end up cut out of granite. Once you’ve added size and mass, it’s fairly easy to maintain and you can typically carry that look into your thirties with a bit of extra work (and waxing off your back hair).


Being in good physical condition requires some motivation and work ethic which if developed in this age range tends to stay with you for the remainder of your life (obviously there are some people who slip off course – see Geoff Huegel). Learning the principles of hard work and dedication is a good thing.


Of course there is the added bonus of looking really good which gives you many more chances to pull fluff. Women will tell you that they don’t want a Calvin Klein model and that they like a bit of beef on their man, but Chuck’s betting they wouldn’t be saying that once you got them home and ripped out a shredded 6 pack. In all seriousness, Chuck isn’t referring to being iron man fit, merely maintaining your size and weight so as to maximise your mental and physical health and your popularity amongst the lady folk.


NEVER SKIP OUT OF A DRINK ROUND


The principles of round buying have been around since Jesus was a lad (why do you think he turned water into wine? He was skint and it was his buy!). And since that time, there has always been some knob end who’ll cash in on free drinks and then vanish when it’s his turn to buy. It’s pretty simple; if you can’t afford to buy a round of drinks, don’t accept a drink in the first place. Chuck is a Dalai Lama- like man of peace but when it comes to dudes skipping out on their buy, Chucks blood starts to boil. The worst experience Chuck ever had was at a News Years function where a group of guys and girls (6 in total) were buying drinks. The girls were on champagne and the guys on decent beer. Everyone had touched their wallets and it was time for one of the guys to buy. He vanished at this stage and appeared about 30 minutes later with a cheap beer and a wine for the tart he was trying to pull. Chuck instantly recognised that he had skipped his buy but was cut off by Mrs Long who suggested that she simply go and get the next round. Being a man of principle, Chuck could not let it slide and walked up to the chap, clapped his hand and said “I thought it was your buy”. Realising that he had just been outed as tight fisted fuck in front of his beef, the dude quickly offered the can of beer that he had to Chuck (he hadn’t yet sipped from it). It was clear that he thought Chuck would decline, but instead Chuck took the beer out of sheer spite and the fact it tasted like urine.


It still makes Chuck mad typing that (and it happened 3 years ago)!






That last one has actually rattled Chuck’s cage so it’s probably best to sign off at this point in order to save the screen of Chuck’s laptop from getting punched. It’s a difficult process moulding young boys into men and there have been losses along the way as there is with any war. Fortunately Chuck has the experience and battle scars to lead the way...now whose buy is it?

A Leader Amongst Boys

(Ok so that title does sound like Chuck is going to talk about his time as a Scout Leader)

Since Chuck went on holiday to New York City and has spent the past few weeks crapping on about the whole baby evacuation and keeping alive process, the Reality Bytes mail box has steadily been piling up with questions and cries for help. After poring over the list and sorting them into appropriate stacks (life threatening, sexual enhancers, common sensical and romantic overtures) it became apparent that a number of young men have got wind of Chuck’s Mentoring Program (CMP) and desperately want to be involved. 

The CMP is a closely guarded course due to the labour intensive work required not only by Chuck but also its participants. The goal is to provide leadership and direction to 1-2 young men each year and assist them in navigating the tricky years between ages 17-27.  Each year Chuck takes a couple of lost souls under his wing and provides insight into living life as a ‘man’. The education comes in mental, spiritual, emotional, physical and of course sartorial forms. Chuck works with these young men to smooth the edges off so that they develop into fine upstanding citizens (or can at least pull a root without having to pay for it).

Anyway, with demand for entry into the program far exceeding the available spots, Chuck has decided to offer up a few pieces of key advice in the hope a greater slice of young men can benefit. It’s plainly obvious that an online mentoring program is not going to be as effective as one-on-one counselling since there are times when Chuck needs to physically eyeball a wayward lamb (please don’t suggest video conferencing) in order to see where his head is at. In any case, some help is better than no help, so lets get a few simple guidelines out there.

VERBAL COMMUNICATION IS KEY

With technology advancing in leaps and bounds, it is easy to take shortcuts and find the easy way out. Examples of being a total pussy include:

Dumping a girl via text message- this is a bullshit maneuver that suggests either you have no testicles, or aren’t quick enough on your feet to get yourself out of the jam. Before anyone says they don’t like hurting people’s feelings and a text saves you from that, punch yourself in the face and imagine how it would feel if you got a text message from a hospital telling you a loved one had passed away because they couldn’t deal with the pain of telling you face to face. Granted, that is a fairly extreme example, but Chuck isn’t running a school for pussies here! Suck it up and make the call.

Text messaging your boss to tell them you’re sick - also a below average move. It isn’t hard to dial up your boss and put on your sick voice and the vast majority wont even question your illness unless it is on a Monday morning after a Sunday concert and you’re friends with them on Facebook and you just posted photos.

By sucking it up and making the tough call, you’ll equip yourself for tougher situations in life, such as having to fire someone yourself or being trapped on a bomb laden bus that cannot drop below 60mph with a bridge approaching that has a large segment missing.

NEVER GET MARRIED BEFORE 30

This is Chuck’s patented Plus 30 rule or +30 for short. Look, between the ages of 17 and 27 you are figuring out how to get laid, how to do it well, how to make money, how to handle alcohol, how to experiment with drugs, how to drive laps around popular night spots with your stereo pumping and how the world works. That’s a lot of shit to get sorted out. Getting married prior to all of this being sorted out puts undue strain on things and can often lead to ruin.

There are many young men who taste vagina (ok, bad expression, Chuck should have said sample) and are positive that that vagina is the one for them forever. In fact there are probably plenty of non religious freaks who married the first bush they had and who are now stuck with it, without ever seeing if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Chuck isn’t suggesting blokes should whore around but you do need to experience what life has to offer before being mature enough to settle down and make it work with your chosen woman.

After 30, most guys have a grip on a career path, some financial stability and a sprinkling of maturity. All of those things are key ingredients in making a marriage work. Why enter into holy matrimony before you’re in that place? Now, if you are devoutly religious and you are a virgin, Chuck can understand why you’d marry the first decent chick you meet, a man has needs after all. If this is you, Chuck suggests a change of faith or perhaps a Greek religion.

WHEN YOU DESPERATELY WANT A TATTOO, WAIT 2 YEARS

Chuck has said it before in this forum – how many life decisions do you make when you are 20? At that age, the biggest decisions you make involve upsizing meals at fast food outlets and whether or not to take the sticker off your new cap. Yet Chuck sees countless young men succumbing to the lure of the tattoo gun and having awesome art work like the following etched onto their bodies permanently:

Chuck has been in that head space where he wants something desperately (everyone needs a Dust buster after all) and has found that a casual stroll around a lake and a good long hard think about the merits of what it is that he desires is often enough to quash the need for the time being.

Even scarier is the prevalence of neck tattoos. They seem to be the next big thing which is all well and good until you decide that you’ve had enough of trying to cut it as a pro skateboarder or a drummer and would now like an office job that actually pays. Australia does have excellent discrimination laws, but a lawyer with a sick dragon tattoo wrapping around his neck only has a small client base Chuck is sure.

Hold off on the tats lads!

ALWAYS RETURN PHONE CALLS

Chuck isn’t referring to a dodgy telesales call left on your home phone. In the age of the mobile phone where the callers number is displayed on the screen, it is just plain rude to not return a call. The caller knows you know it was them, so by not calling back you are basically saying “I don’t care that you called me and I don’t respect you enough to call back”.  Now obviously if you were occupied or missed the call and it is now late you don’t have to call, but an effort should be made to return the call the next day. Even a text message can be fired back asking if it was important  (although Chuck would argue that if it wasn’t important, the call wouldn’t have been made in the first place). Returning calls is conscientious and makes it look like you care. If you don’t like the person who called you, ask yourself why they have your number in the first place?

More mentoring to come, to be continued…

Cry me a river in Hong Kong

Wai My Darlings!Madame Boodwah is back. Sorry for the long absence but I've been going through some lengthy legal precedings following the annulment of the marriage to the psychiatrist. Madame Boodwah came through in the end thanks to a brilliant Reality Bytes legal team and is back on board.

Due to the stress of the situation Madame Boodwah felt she deserved a vacation with her hard earned blood money and decided to start in Hong Kong. Madame Boodwah left her laptop at home so is having to write to you from an internet cafe which is probably the only one in Hong Kong as they are a rarity. So here she is writing this post in between a World of Dorkcraft enthusiast named Jimmy and a horny young Dutch backpacker named Abbo who is adamant about never going to Australia. Yes his name is Abbo and it's apparently Dutch.

Over the years Madame Boodwah has come to realize that there are some (not all) men out there who will happily use their tales of woe to lure women down a sordid avenue. This guy is one of them but was incredibly bad at it. While blatantly x-raying Madame's physicality leaving her feeling violated Abbo told Madame how one night he met this cute little Brazilian, how he went back to her place to have sex then left at 2am because he wanted to sleep in his own bed but at 7am realised he had forgotten his backpack that contained his passport and other important documents. Fearful of going back he actually went through the whole painful process of getting new ones. Then asked Madame Boodwah if she'd like to get 'smashed' with him that night. Baffled that this kid actually completed a degree in business economics, Madame Boodwah declined as she had more important matters to attend to like shopping.

Shopping in Hong Kong is a joyful experience. Not only is everything way cheaper than what you'd pay for in it Australia, the shops are also open to 11pm! Over the past couple of weeks Madame had been eyeing off a pair of Merrells in Australia for AUS$180, here they were only AUS$90. So yesterday was dedicated to a full day of shopping and today after a champagne fueled breakfast Madame will do some sight seeing but not before a pedicure. In the next couple of days she plans to visit 'Happy Valley' for a flutter on the ponies then head to Macau to hang out with her long time friend Pames Jacker.

Love to you all!
Madame Boodwah

Thank God for my (Birthing) Partner!

Before Chuck launches into a comprehensive overview of the second and final “how to pump out and keep your baby alive” class, its probably wise to wrap up the whole car buying process. So here we go:

Loyal readers will remember Chuck detailing how after numerous visits to car dealerships, Chuck and Mrs Long finally met a salesman who actually seemed decent? Well, he turned into a stalker, using the documentation that Chuck left when he test drove a vehicle, to procure Chuck’s mobile phone number and then check in on an almost daily basis to see how the decision making process was coming along. The final straw however came when Mrs Long took offence at his overly manicured eyebrows that smacked of vanity and she made the decision to find another car yard.

The next place had the desired vehicle and after numerous test drives and hours of procrastination it was time to buy.

Now, there are moments in every man’s life when circumstances conspire to kick you directly in the nuts and you’re left with the stark realisation that you’re just not nearly as bright as you’d come to believe. This just happened to Chuck. The silver lining to realising that you are potentially a fucking moron is the reassurance that you married the right woman.

Chuck and Mrs Long sat down to negotiate a sales price. The older salesman obviously directed his sales pitch to Chuck since men make the key decisions in life. He tried the sneaky trick of writing down the cars ticketed price then a question mark for the trade in value and then a question mark for the difference. His next question was “how much do you want to pay”. Chuck sat in silence as Mrs Long is the CFO of the Long Corporation. Mrs Long caught the salesman with a left jab by speaking up first and saying $15k. There was an awkward silence as both parties felt each other out (and possibly because the salesman was quickly recalibrating his thoughts on Chuck who he now decided had no dick). Suddenly the silence became too much for Chuck who blurted “no, no we can pay 20”. Mrs Long then began booting Chuck under the table in order to indicate that he was an imbecile and that she would be filing for divorce at the conclusion of the meeting.

Unrattled, Mrs Long asked for a timeout to discuss finances with her mentally disabled husband. The salesman hastily vacated the office and Chuck, sensing that perhaps he was no longer required in the negotiation suggested that it was a perfect opportunity to “good cop / bad cop” the salesman. Mrs Long being the good natured soul that she is, realised that Chuck’s ego was severely deflated and joked that perhaps we should raise our offer to 30 grand!

Fortunately, we changed tact and decided on a more expensive car when he returned which actually kind of had the salesman over a barrel and the Longs ended up with a good deal and a nice car (And if you don’t think Chuck has convinced himself that we ended up with the dude over the barrel out of all this, then you don’t know Chuck too well!).

There’s likely a kidknapper out there reading this and rubbing their hands together at Chuck’s negotiation skills!

So, we’ve established that Chuck’s an idiot. Lets move on. 

It’s always great to arrive at a class and reconnect with familiar faces. Chuck smiled and waved at the Josef Fritzel type and his daughter, shook hands with the sperm donor and empathised with the woman who’s dorky partner couldn’t make it because he found the process boring. All the good will and excitement was soon removed from the class as the midwife / instructors first topic of conversation was blood loss, blood clotting, blood smell, blood colour and maternity pads. Chuck was so glad that he’d finished breakfast 20 minutes beforehand.

A word from the wise, Chuck would suggest never attending these classes hung-over. Chuck wasn’t dying from the after-affects of booze (although after the car yard incident, you surely wouldn’t blame Chuck for trying to erase the memory from his mind), but the combination of a dimly lit room and the bean bags that are supplied makes for one hell of a battle against your eyelids throughout the day.

The key piece of information that Chuck deduced from the first session was that if you leave the house hastily as contractions commence and your wife didn’t get a chance to pack, it is smart as the male partner to take some time when you go back to pack a bag for her to stop and consider her circumstances. This comes as the instructor related tales of women being forced to stuff maternity pads into skimpy G strings as their partners decided to pack something from the “private’ collection for their hospital stay. You cant blame a bloke really since it’s probably been a while since they’ve seen their wife in her finest and according to Heidi Klum, women go straight back to their fighting weight the minute the baby is expelled anyway. May as well get straight back into the saddle!

The second session focused on how your baby will look and react directly after it’s born. Basically this was the instructors way of telling you that your new born baby will look like a space alien and that you should prepare yourself for this. Covered in a waxy white substance called vernix, with a mashed up and dented head and blue appendages, your offspring will not immediately resemble the bundle of joy you were hoping for.

It was also stated that your child’s genitals will likely be swollen, which can be disheartening for many men who thing they have just produced the second coming of John Holmes, only to be shattered when the swelling goes down and their newborn son is hung exactly as they currently are.

An interesting aside to all of these videos is that they seem to have ceased making birthing DVDs after 1985. Every bloke has a short sleeve business shirt on and a dirty moustache and every woman has a perm and a bad hair scrunchie. The final disturbing thing from these films is that every woman has the hairiest fucking bush you’ve ever seen in your life. Chuck is talking legitimate hair saddles where the pubes stretch from the belly button to the bunghole while also running down the inner thigh. Never mind the tearing, the blood or the screaming, the unkempt pubic hair was the most confronting thing!

The midwife then went on to explain some of the assessments and evaluations that take place a soon as the baby is born such as checking the hearing and reflexes. The most important one is the Apgar score, which turns out to be your baby’s first ever test in life. The higher the score, the better. Chuck has spent the past 4 hours trying to find practice questions so that Infant Long can quickly start out on its path as a high achiever!

The worst part of the whole day is when the conversation turns to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It’s confronting and disturbing and wasn’t much fun although it was important stuff to hear. The key thing is to make sure your baby sleeps on its back, unencumbered by toys, blankets and too much heat. Oh and you shouldn’t let your baby smoke or drink since that seems to lead to SIDS.

The second worst part was the segment around settling your baby where it was laid out in black and white that your infant will likely sleep in 40 minute bursts and could very well end up being the spawn of Satan and only sleep in 20 minute bursts. The midwife went through techniques designed to help relax the baby and teach itself to fall asleep. There was no mention of sending it to its grandparent’s house. Fortunately as the child gets older routine kicks in and sleep typically comes easier to the point that by the age of 16 they merely need to run it through the knuckles (if you have boy) in order to find peaceful and deep slumber.

Child bearing class ended by discussing breast feeding and getting the kid to take the nipple, how to throw on a nappy and how to interpret your child’s behaviour and moods (which wont be a problem for Chuck since Infant Long will likely be talking by 3 months).

All in all, it was a useful series of classes that on paper gave couples key information on what to expect and how to handle certain scenarios when the big day arrives - this will in all likelihood go out the window when shit hits the fan. In any case, Chuck is just thankful that Mrs Long will be there to carry him through it!

The Unspoken Right of (Back) Passage

A couple of weeks ago, Chuck recounted a tale about a dump taken 30,000 feet in the air and promised to return to the grander issue of crapping at a later stage. The following email landed in the Reality Bytes inbox:

Chuck,

What is it with men and using the toilet? My boyfriend literally spends hours on the loo. What on earth is he doing?

Lola

Lola,

You have touched on an issue very dear to Chuck’s heart (or more accurately, sphincter). The male dumping experience is not unlike an ancient martial art, passed down from father to son, from generation to generation. It is an unspoken right of back passage that takes years to fully develop and master. As mentioned in a previous post, Chuck is a horrific crapper – not in the “cant get it out sense” but more in the “cant get it out if not located on the home toilet”. If Chuck was a sporting team, the home and road splits would be drastic. Chuck’s a creature of habit and the home throne provides a significant home court advantage. The familiarity, the sight lines and the extensive reading material make for a grand experience. In a foreign toilet, all bets are off and Chuck never quite finds the necessary happy place needed to take masterful dumps.

If it sounds like Chuck has thought about this a little too much, you’re absolutely right.

Interestingly enough, at one of Chuck and Mrs. Long’s birthing classes, the physiotherapist actually chastised the ladies for pooing too fast. Her exact quote was “men got one thing right”. Apparently you’re meant to let your faeces slowly make it’s way out of your body by relaxing and raising your knees. Women have the tendency to try and power poop, risking hemorrhoids and burst eye balls as they tense their entire bodies trying to explode a turd out and thus maintain the false pretense that they don’t actually shit.

This isn’t meant to be a post discussing the best ways to crap, but since we’re on the topic, other than sitting on the throne, squatting is your next best option. Chuck would recommend that you try to get your feet at least shoulder width apart if your going to try this because you don’t want to dirty up your new Nike sneakers and perhaps it would be a good idea to mix in some squats because the last thing you want is your thighs quivering and then a sudden collapse into a fresh steaming pile of poop.

Chuck would love to tell you that the reason men take so long to take a dump is because they are conscious of treating their bodies respectfully and are in tune with the best ways to extract fecal matter. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Blokes just like sitting on the shitter, getting as much ‘me’ time as they can while enjoying the pleasures of a good expulsion. Don’t let any guy tell you otherwise, there is nothing more satisfying than a good bowel movement. Done properly it can set your day up to run to perfection.

So what does a guy do whilst taking a crap, Chuck hears female readers ask? Well typically a bloke will read. Today pay attention to blokes moving through the office. If you see a guy walking reasonably briskly with a newspaper, it is a sure sign that he is heading for the can. Chuck will add that this is absolutely disgusting! Not the reading on the toilet part, the taking the public newspaper to the toilet and coating it with airborne shit particles part. Chuck does not want to read some other dudes crap molecules at anytime. Despite how disgusting this is, there is always a group of males who do not care who sees them heading to the toilet with the financial review and in fact are more than happy to stroll to the loo with it tucked under their arm.

A more alarming trend in this era of electronic media is the number of men who will either text message or email from their phone while dropping gator bait. On numerous occasions Chuck has heard gents tapping away on their phone whilst on the bogger. Imagine people’s reactions if they found out they just received an email or text mid crap? Chuck has now challenged himself to close a business deal while taking a deuce. Of course it would forever be labeled a ‘shit hot’ deal.

Worse than electronic correspondence on the toilet is dudes who will happily take a phone call whilst taking a William Shatner. You’d never drop trouser during a meeting and pinch one, so why think that you can talk and crap at the same time?

In Chuck’s crapping career, perhaps the worse move ever sighted was a male colleague vanishing into a cubicle with a lap top. Of course Chuck was intrigued to know what piece of work couldn’t wait for the dump to finish. In hindsight, perhaps it wasn’t work that the laptop was being used for.

Another oft asked question by women regarding male defecation is “how do you know when its time to finish?” Simple, when there is no more to come out or your legs start to go numb. Funnily enough, it’s normally the numbness that puts an end to it. Men will sit on the crapper despite having finished pooping 15 minutes earlier, especially if whatever it is that they’re reading is interesting. The minute pins and needles kicks in, it’s time to get up. No guy ever wants to cut off all circulation to his feet and inadvertently kill their foot tissue. Nothing would be more embarrassing than having your feet amputated and then having to tell people that you mistimed a shit. Although every bloke would nod knowingly.

Men are very much like elite athletes when it comes to dumping. As they get older they learn the tricks of the trade (printing off good articles for reading on the loo, only ever buying paper backs for easy smuggling or building a sweet magazine rack). A man’s crapping prime lasts from about the age 18 to 45. After 45, the body begins to betray the male with things like joint pain preventing lengthy stays on the thrown or worse yet, a hardening of the stool which makes passage much more difficult (and accounts for the grunting and heavy breathing you often hear from older men). It’s a sad day for men when the realization hits them that they are no longer a champion crapper.

For women, a bowel movement is an inconvenience, to be dealt with as swiftly as possible. For men, it’s a significant part of the day and must be planned accordingly. Many men will have their designated “bog” time where their bodies are able to deliver stool almost to the minute each day. Others have elaborate routines that may involve the ingestion of coffee, a 5 minute wait and then the arrival of the brown train. Every man has his own technique for effectively getting the job done.

Lola, go forward in poopy enlightenment!